The last stage of bipolar disorder is not suicide

Ah, I spoke too soon when I thought things were getting better. There is something going on at work and I have had about five panic attacks today…and of course there is nothing I can do about it until Monday. Will I get fired for this? Probably not…but that hasn’t stopped me from being a complete nervous wreck today despite taking all the meds I can muster.

And the sad thing is that I’m going to have to work tomorrow–there is just too much to do and not enough time. I’ve even started a desk audit of the things that take up my ten-hour days, and I don’t see where I’m wasting time. It’s getting to the point where I dread life, not work. I don’t want to get up in the morning, because it’s going to be either work or worrying about work. I can’t enjoy myself because I am constantly worrying.

I could go on in this vein for a while but I think I will use a metaphor. I was watching a video today trying to get my mind off of things. It was, if you’ve seen it, that Britain’s Got Talent video with the old granny who flamenco dances. At the end of the dance, one of the judges hit the golden buzzer which gives them an automatic pass through judging. I started crying. I want someone to hit the golden buzzer for me. I am tired of being judged at work and I want a pass for one. darn. day. Even on the one day off I had I spent it answering e-mails and putting out fires…while at the airport waiting for my flight. I just want one day where things go right and my team and I get praised for the hard work we do. We almost got it yesterday but my boss had to be snivelling and complain that I did not send one e-mail in a chain to him (even though the e-mail was not supposed to be for his eyes, it was a need to know document). Just one day, that’s all I ask for.

I’m going to try to take the seroquil to try to get to sleep tonight, even though I am working tomorrow. It’s Sunday, I am the only person working on that day, I can fall asleep at my desk if I want. Nobody cares anyway, so why should I? Then I have the dread of talking to my boss about the issue on Monday staring me in the face all day too. Sigh.

Can you (I’m going to suggest you try really hard to make this happen) carve out one sacrosanct day? Saturday, say. On that day, you designate “Jim” to read emails and be on point for the team, and you do not go on line for work at all. No texts. No emails. Nothing. Unplug for 24 hours. Golden buzzer for you.

We are not supposed to be sending out e-mails at all on Saturday, but I still got one from my boss (asking me to do something that I had already sent him :smack:). It’s inside my brain that the worry is coming from, not from any work, though.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling more stressed.

Hon, you just can’t continue to think this way. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. Whatever crappy things they are doing to you at your office, especially your boss, you’re making it worse on yourself right now.

OK. please take a deep breath…

DON’T go into work on Sunday. Just don’t. Don’t worry about what work still needs to be done. Not tomorrow. The work will still be there on Monday. OK? Just take Sunday off. No working, and no thinking about work! Promise? Go somewhere and do something. Anything. Give yourself permission to enjoy your day.

You won’t get fired. They know they are getting the work of about 5 people out of you. Sure, if you quit you have to pay moving expenses. But think about this. Have you tried applying for other jobs? If you had the opportunity to work closer to home at a different company with a different atmosphere, would it be worth it to pay the moving expenses back so that you can be free of these people?

I know that you’re not really feeling this at the moment, but you are actually the one in control of the situation. You’re the one who holds all the cards and has all the power in the situation. Please remember that, alright?

What Clothilde says.

It took me a long, long time to detach from work but i just have to do it to keep my sanity. Would I check my email if I was camping in the woods? No. So I look at my computer and say “I’m camping in the woods this weekend, so shut up.” And then I go out and mow the lawn.

When my boss queried why I didn’t respond to his email, I simply told him that my weekend was full and I didn’t get a chance to check email, but that I’m acting on his directive now (Monday). It actually worked and he backed off a bit.

I was pretty shocked at how easy it was to do, once I did it.

Mental health accommodations (and anything else covered by the ADA) apply to everyone, whether exempt or non-exempt. The HR counselor is incorrect, or perhaps the mental health aspect was not emphasized.

Anyhow at this point I think you should bag the job and go home. Your happiness and sanity are more important than some shitty job.

Good luck!

My choice may be made for me, if this keeps up. I made a major mistake today and angered my boss. Tomorrow has the possibility of going just as badly. My work is becoming hell.

I can’t leave. My wife has threatened to leave me if I quit and come home. I can’t afford to live on my own if I do, because I won’t be able to afford my mortgage. As it is I am paying my rent down here plus half of the mortgage and sundry other bills. Anyway I am well and truly stuck here until I can be here long enough to not to have to repay the housing benefit, which is part of my contract.

But I’m closing in on something bad. Not suicide. Maybe a nervous breakdown. I can’t stand the fact that I keep screwing things up at work, and that I can’t seem to get things right even with 11 hour workdays like today. There is just so much to do and when I come home there is so little to do, all I do is worry about work. All that ever happens is I screw up, worry about it and get no rest, then go back to work to screw it up again. Last week when my boss thought I was doing a good job seems light-years away.

Anyway, I am really hurting. My wife sent me books on how to conquer nerves and anxiety, and I can’t wait for them to get here because I need all the help I can get now. I’ve tried grounding exercises and they do help me sleep, but I wake up again feeling just as upset and scared. This can’t go on much longer. If I could quit this job tomorrow I would do so, but I can’t afford to both in my marriage and in my life. I’m just hoping it gets better but honestly I just don’t think I’m very good at it.

You know…I wonder if something about to burst and having a choice made for you will make things better.

I was under a ton of stress recently and something happened that was not my choice, and even though the result was hella sad I was still extremely relieved that I didn’t have to make that decision that was stressing me out.

Perhaps if you lose the job, you will be relieved not to have to worry about keeping it any more, and that will make the aftershocks so much more bearable.

Or, you won’t lose the job but this will be the perfect time to bring up your issues and your schedule with your boss. An opener to be able to say “I only fucked this up because you are riding me like a steer.”

Maybe it’s time to close your eyes and brace yourself. It might be better on the other side. (OF LIFE. REAL LIFE, NOT “THE OTHER SIDE”)

I echo what ratatoskK said: GO. HOME.

No amount of money is worth what you’re going through. Life “time” shouldn’t be gritted through like serving out a prison sentence.

Go home now, tomorrow. No notice, call your boss when you get back home. No employee is indispensable and the one who takes your place will step over your “body” to do it without a qualm.

As long as you’re still breathing you can work through financial tangles but you cannot sacrifice the present for the future—there might not be one, or at least not the one you’re envisioning.

Your kids need their daddy now, not some future “stability” you think you’re providing. Your wife needs to turn over in bed and feel something other than an empty pillow. And more importantly, you need them.

Throw your stuff in the car and go. Bad things should be looked at in the rearview mirror—put it behind you.

There will be other jobs. There will be other trials and tribulations. But families get through these things together and call it “home.” (Or love. Or lucky.)

After reading your latest post I tried to “Cancel” mine but it wouldn’t let me.

What are you—a workhorse? A meal ticket? A sacrifice?

Examine where you are. Look at where you want to be. Do what you need to get there. Nobody else lives in your own skin.

Really, I’m flummoxed. Your wife is threatening to leave you if you quit? Maybe she’s scared…?

I had a Job from Hell™(;)). Everybody gets at least one. My bosses hated each other. My three predecessors had been fired. When the put me on probation, I freaked so bad that I started sweating blood (my hands were full of blood blisters). It was the dermatologist who called me on it when I went to him about all the red dots. He asked “Are you under a lot of stress?” It was all I could do not to scream my answer at him.

That night, I went home and totaled up what I was trying to accomplish in the forty hours I was given. I figured it at a minimum of 80 hours of work a week. At this point I called a friend and asked if she would work for the temp agency across the hall from her office. She replied “In a heartbeat.” Within 48 hours, I had a temp job lined up that paid better than the Job from Hell ™. I went to my managers and handed them my office key and never looked back. Except to laugh with relief.

Was it scary to do what I did? Yes. But it was clearly scarier to stay where I was.

What is the less scary route for you, Cogsnoscant, when all routes are scary? You may even be pleasantly surprised.

Hey pal, what’s the latest?

Sorry I’m late back…it’s been a tiring last few days.

Things have been better yesterday and today…no real screwups at work, people seem happier with me. I have a lot of things I have to do the next 2 days that I don’t want to, but that’s work for you. Things are starting to settle into a dull normality. I keep saying to myself that I will not go into work before 7:30, but I still do. Tomorrow I will try again not to.

What is my wife’s role in this? I think she thinks I can make it through this. She knows that I need her as she needs me. But I think she thinks it is the best for now, and that we will be together again. I hope so. There are still 10-11 months to go, if I stay down here, for us to be reunited. It’s a really long time to say the least. I don’t know how I’ve done 7 months away, it’s been too much.

Is my job impossible? I don’t think so yet. The last job I had (if you saw the workplace griping thread you know what I mean) was much worse and also featured the imminent appearance of a boss who had sexually harassed my wife. THAT was a job from hell. This one is incredibily busy but I am hanging on for now. There is more work than I can do in 50 hours a week, which is why I’m doing 55-60 and still not getting everything done. Even my boss, who shames others who don’t work enough, is telling me to slow down. I’ve told him I’m doing everything I can, and there the issue stands. There are some certain things I need to do that I can’t get done, and it will affect the office, but with all the junk thrown my way, the office will suffer. I hope the consultants coming will help me. I hope a hurricane will come and give us a couple days off, too. Actually I know one of the consultants in the final mix, so if they are hired that will help me.

I am starting to become aware that there are many people in the office who like me. It was simply something I didn’t realize before. Some of them are friends of my boss, and so this will help me keep my job I think, even if things go badly wrong. So things are looking better I think.

I’ll write more tomorrow, I promise. I got stuck doing stuff late, and it turned into a 11-hour day. Not a bad 11-hour day, but still a tiring one. I don’t think that will happen tomorrow.

Ah, it’s good to have a perspective shift. We can all get our blinders on and focus too hard on what we can’t accomplish. A coworker who started my new project at the same time as me (3 weeks ago) was panicking because we still haven’t got access to the system we need so he couldn’t complete things. I’ve had far more experience with these projects so I’m done with that panicking. But I’ve been there many times and despite my experience, I know I might go there again.

I hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.

Ah, it’s good to have a perspective shift. We can all get our blinders on and focus too hard on what we can’t accomplish. A coworker who started my new project at the same time as me (3 weeks ago) was panicking because we still haven’t got access to the system we need so he couldn’t complete things. I’ve had far more experience with these projects so I’m done with that panicking. But I’ve been there many times and despite my experience, I know I might go there again.

I hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.

I don’t want to say I’m getting better yet. But I do feel less anxious. I’ve been taking a CBT course from a book called “Feeling Good” that my wife sent to me, and although I’m a short way through the book, I’m starting to learn why I’m so anxious. I tried to think more positively today, and darn if it didn’t work. Am I turning a corner? Maybe.

But I still miss my wife and kids dearly and no book is going to change that. Hopefully though in the near future I will be able to start thinking rationally about what to do. Hopefully, too, my wife will be able to come down to visit (I can’t take any time off for the foreseeable future unfortunately). I am not the same without her, I can feel that. I just miss her so much.

From what I’ve seen in movies and tv, if you don’t miss your wife and kids when you’re apart, you’re doing it wrong :slight_smile:

Glad you’re turning a corner!!!

The book is helping. There was a situation this weekend that could have caused me all kinds of panic attacks. Instead I accepted there was nothing I could do until tomorrow, and spent the weekend doing various things and keeping busy. I still worry about my wife and kids, still feel lonely, but I am keeping my panic attacks to a minimum. Plus unlike last weekend I didn’t spend all weekend in bed in fear of what would happen (also didn’t take the anti-anxiety drugs which put me right to sleep).

Not looking forward to tomorrow but I am not in a panic about it either. I think this is a step in the right direction. Is this the right job, is this the right place? I can make that decision later. Right now I have work to do, and I’m going to get it done, I know I will.

You sound like you are making good decisions Cognoscant. Yay you!