I get the point about needing to pay back your moving expenses. So, I think you need to start job hunting for something back with your family now… Would paying the money back be acceptable if you had another job lined up?
Also, consider the point you raised about learning the programming languages. Would that help with the job hunt?
It does seem as though getting you back with your family should be the priority, and, well, screw everything else. The money and the job will all work out.
Honestly, it’s more money than I can afford to pay right now. I have the money, but I couldn’t pay it without seriously damaging my future and my kids’ futures. So I can’t do it. What I fear is being let go. I’m doing the absolute best job I can but I still fear it, every day. I wouldn’t lose the money then, at least, but I would face a really uncertain future. I moved here because I couldn’t find a closer job in my field.
I was planning to go to a game night tonight at a local shop. Then there was another collective panic attack at work and I had to stay late to help others, so goodbye first chance at a social night in months. I am furious with the people who couldn’t get their jobs done, but also at myself, being unable to say no to it. So it was 10 more hours of work today and I still feel like I’m going nowhere. I was so wound up after work it would have been hard to talk to people anyway.
I don’t want to keep journaling in this thread although I want everyone to know I’m hanging on, so if you don’t see me for a day or so, I am all right for the moment. I did get an appointment with employee assistance for early next week, so I have that coming to me, and the game night is next Tuesday as well so I promise to go to that (I am going to head off this particular group panic attack at the pass next time). They are baby steps but I am getting somewhere. I remember someone saying “nobody said after ‘happily ever after’ came laundry and the dishes” but it is the truth for the bipolar person too. Laundry after panic attack last night, dishes tonight after the contremps at work.
Do you mind if I ask you what you are eating? I’m not bipolar - for me it’s depression. But I know that for myself if I eat whole food (preferably home cooked as opposed to take-out) and avoid snack/junk foods, fast food, or prepackaged stuff, then I feel much better.
My wife is trying to get me on a gluten-free diet. It’s hard to stay away from processed foods. There’s nowhere to eat in our building, and there are bugs in our kitchen, so I’m faced with having to have food that will stay fresh enough to eat for a few hours (or eat lunch at 10, which I’ve done too). Perhaps it would be a good idea to stay away from the soda, at least. When I stopped drinking diet soda my migraines ceased almost entirely. Maybe stepping away from those would halt my depression, too.
I need to start cooking for myself while I’m at it. It’s not easy to go from cooking for four to cooking for one. I need to try doing some of the vegetable paellas for one that I bought my little paella pan for, the one I got from the store where nobody spoke English. And I need to eat carrots and peas and kale and all the green things I did when I was back home. I do need a home cooked meal, that’s for certain. I think you may be on to something here.
Definitely drop the soda if you can. If you just HAVE to have a soda occasionally, you might like the Zevia soda - it’s sweetened with stevia instead of aspartame or splenda. It’s kinda spendy, so I can only afford to have one every once in awhile. But it’s nice when I can have one.
Re cooking for one, one thing that I do is just take a regular recipe and cut it in half - that way I get dinner and have leftovers for lunch the next day. I have a small crock pot that I got for $10 at Walmart - it’s a Rival, I think. But it’s perfect for making one or two servings of something so I’m not swimming in leftovers afterward.
Your veggia paella sounds really good - care to share the recipe?
I’m sorry, I just realized I’m hijacking your thread. I’ll stop here so it can get back on topic. And I echo the thank you for checking in - I’ve been thinking about you, too.
Cognoscant, I too suffer from depression - severe at times, moderate at others. I agree with you there this was not an “end stage” and Williams’ troubles did not have to lead to suicide. But I also truly believe I understand why he committed suicide - because I know I would likely do the same thing.
I, too, get jokey when I need to see that I can touch people. Oddly, one time, someone reached out to me and said “we like you even if you don’t sing silly songs”. I was enjoying myself so I kept it up anyway, but I knew that he saw what triggered me to start with the silliness in the first place.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. And that I agree with you. There is no such thing as a “last stage” in bipolar disorder. But you can always trust the nightly news to get it wrong. We are superior to them at least.
My wife is bipolar, and she’s found that a low-carb diet really does help. Along with the medications, of course.
Bipolar and depressive ABSOLUTELY does not lead inevitably to suicide. My wife got the bipolar under control many years ago, and she’s been living essentially a normal life. There’s times of happy, there’s times of sad, there’s doing laundry, but the suicide thoughts (which are a normal part of bipolar, I think, although I ain’t a doc) are few and far between, and easily pushed aside when they do pop up.
I think I may try a lower-carb diet (living alone and trying to eat food from home makes it hard to stick to a low-carb diet without relying too much on ugly protein bars and the like). I’m putting on weight so a diet would be of use to me anyway.
I did get out tonight, went to a games night group. It was good but, boy, am I behind the curve on games. I still remember the ones I played 20 years ago. The only games I recognized there were Settlers of Catan and Carcassone (and I haven’t played either of them). It will take time and patience to learn the games, let alone make friends with the players. But it is worth it to have one night a week where I don’t have to think about the fact that I have a tenuous grip on my job and my life.
A little update. I’ve been working a lot of hours again…I was supposed to go to a mediator tomorrow but it looks like because of a meeting that’s going to be off and I’ll have to reschedule. Sigh.
I got to see the wife and kids over last weekend, my dad this weekend. I don’t know what I’m going to do with Dad…he is taciturn (understandably) after the death of his wife earlier this year and I have little to talk about other than work. There were uncomfortable silences between my wife and I because I had so little to talk about. The cat, what I was eating…and that was about it.
I did go to a games night that is held nearby last week. That was fun but I was overwhelmed by being around people after 90 minutes and did leave early. I will get better.
I’m not exactly low carbing it. Baby steps, I will get better at it. But I do need to find things to do…not easy when I’m working ugly 11-hour days like today. Sigh.
Cogno, first off, let me join everyone else in empathizing with you and hoping things get better soon.
Does the mediator you mentioned have to do with the long hours you’ve been working?
I was thinking, when you signed up for this job, with the agreement about the one-year commitment and the moving expenses – Did you agree that you’d be routinely working 10-11 hours per day? Or was the expectation that you’d have a “normal” work day most of the time? It sounds like perhaps they were not totally up front about the working conditions and are taking advantage of you, with the penalty hanging over you of the moving expenses. I am thinking if you just move back home now they may not be able to force you to repay the moving expenses because in effect they have breached their contract with you?
I’m not a lawyer (not even close!) but perhaps you could briefly consult with one about your moving home immediately and not being liable for the moving expenses.
The self-loathing voice has been really having its way with you lately and you just want to get away from it for a while, so you get social. And just to spite the voice you put on a happy face and are fun to be around, and it’s all the more easy because you’ve escaped that nasty dominator, for a time, and you feel free. And then you realize you have to return “home” in a little while and your face cracks–maybe one eye forgets to smile–and someone notices you’re just wearing a mask to hide the despair. And you notice them notice. And your rogue eye is pleading with them to tear off the mask and help you fight the voice, but your sense of decency prevails, and the the voice roars at you how much of a burden you are to others and how selfish and rude you are to ask someone to clean up the vomit in your weak mind. And you nut-punch the voice to shut it up, but the hook has been set and you’re being reeled in for another beating. Time to pay your tab and go home before the rest of your face betrays you.No, the end stage is not necessarily suicide. That’s just lazy blather. But I think exhaustion is. At some point the fight is just too much to face. And it’s great if you’re surrounded by loving, understanding people because they tend to buffer the rest of the world from what you say and do in the anger and frustration that comes of struggling to keep your body from manifesting the inappropriate emotions being churned out in your defective brainorgan, and so prevent you from having to deal with turning your life to rubble and tediuos runon sentences. But nobody can get into the arena with you, and the harder they try, the more intense the fight becomes. You are a burden. And are you adding at least as much quality to their lives as they give to you? “After all it’s not easy banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.” Sometimes you find yourself in the red on that emotional ledger. One option for dealing with that sort of debt involves solving the problem.
Cognoscant, you have been offered lots of good advice. Thanks for your courage and your candor; these are not easy things to discuss, especially as publicly as you have. Though we members are unknown to one another, I feel your pain. I have struggled with bouts of depression since my youth. I was once diagnosed as bi-polar; this was later changed to my having had “an episode”. I had long suspected that I was manic-depressive, which was an earlier term for the highs and lows that have marked my life.
The human brain is comprised of two brains, in a way, connected only by a small bundle of nerves called the corpus collosum. (all mammals have this in common). My point is this: we are all bi-polar. There is a duality which is shown in nature in many various ways. When you are down, remind yourself the sun also rises. I have learned to live with my 'condition" by realizing it’s not mine, alone; we all possess two brains, in a sense. Why nature has produced this architecture of our brains is an unsettled question, thus far. But remind yourself often that nature and natural selection seldom does what it does without some benefit to a species. I suspect 2 brains, working together as a singe state of awareness, is better than one. Life can knock you down, and it often does; but it can’t keep you down. Fight-on, my friend, and best of luck. When you are going thru hell, keep going. (Churchill)
What, out of random curiosity, are your thoughts on pets? I think a dog might be tricky unless work eases up. Although, it could be workable and would give you a walking buddy, if you wanted one.
A cat? Not a romp around the city friend, but a hang out together in the apartment, whatever you’ve got planned is fine. Mine is in my lap while I type. Supervises while I cook (from a bookshelf). Keeps me company when I stay up too late.
I am 65 and alone.
I rented out the second bedroom, but the tenant is as heavily single as I. We rarely discuss anything.
He has one friend. One more than I.
I have never married, and last dated 30 years ago.
I am not depressed.
I can objectively choose suicide - I am in constant physical pain - and it’s only going to get worse. Osteoarthritis, for the curious.
I also have Stage IV kidney failure.
These circumstances do not make depression inevitable - do not confuse one with the other.
Once you realize the separation, your living circumstances will not reinforce your depression.
This is not a cure, but maybe a step? Your depression is NOT justified by your circumstances.
Force yourself to go single to all the places you would loathe to go alone - restaurant, movie, whatever. Once you can enjoy the meal or film, you will have conquered a large part of your depression.
About pets–I do have a cat. She is a bit of a pain in the neck, truth be told, and I have to close the door to the bedroom when I try to sleep. But she does keep me company especially over the weekends, since her sleep cycle puts her to bed when I am up and around. She is a rescue and it is nice to think that I saved something living, good to think that when I am down myself.
I do go to restaurants and bookstores and things like that myself. But, it is becoming difficult to do so without my family, who I miss more every day. I am always thinking of what they would like to see and do, and it is not easy to think about that. I have found some good places to go. My dad was here over last weekend, and we went to some of them, which he enjoyed a lot. To be honest though, after this week and its work I am looking forward to a weekend where I get to do nothing but eat and sleep. I will probably go to a giant flea market that I ran into while going somewhere else a while back. Even if I don’t get anything, it will be fun to go.
I talked to an HR counselor about accomodations for my workload. Problem is since I am exempt there are no potential accomodations. I have decided not to pursue them as a result. My boss thought I was doing a good job…I guess that makes one of us, because I am not happy with my work and I feel like i could be doing a better job. I have so much to do and I fall down on a lot of things out of mental exhaustion and just not knowing certain things. I don’t know how my predecessor did it…well I do in a sense, because he bailed after a few years. My wife and I are seriously considering next steps. If she and my daughter move down I have to stay another three years really…do I want to do that? I’m not certain about it.
I need to find a mental health counselor/coach. In a supreme bit of irony, I found that an ex-girlfriend is working as one. In an even more supreme bit of irony, when I was still living with my family my then counselor considered sending me to a coach at a hospital…the one where ex-girlfriend works now. That would have been a bit awkward to say the least. At least I can see the humor in that now. I always thought this ex was at least as ill as I was at times, and she had a habit of going off the deep end, so I’m glad she’s caught on with a job she seems to be doing well in; on the other hand, feels like a reversal of fortune that I could use her help when a few years ago she desperately needed mine.