Some comic book heroes leave you asking: "What were they thinking?!?! :eek: :smack: :eek: :smack:
So, let’s come up with a list of Total Losers, & a description of their “powers”, to form our
Legion Of Super-Losers!
Matter-Eater Lad will be Chairman, of course.
I’ll start with: The Inferior 5 [ul]
[li]Merryman 96 lbs. nerd in a Jester costume. That’s it. No powers/weapons/fighting skills. OOOH! Bikers will just quake when they see this guy coming.[/li][li]White Feather–Archer/trick arrows. Hopeless coward. Faints a lot.[/li][li]Blimp–Big. Fat. Floats in the air. Can {almost} fly. Green costume. Fins on side of hat.[/li][li]Akwardman–Super Strong. Superfast. Not…agile.[/li][li]Dumb Bunny–Superhuman strength. Not too bright. Blonde girl in a set of Bunny Ears & tail. Non-Hefner in nature, albeit very nifty.[/li][/ul]
Please tell me you didn’t just slam Matter-Eater Lad. Dude, the guy can eat anything. Anything in the world. Do you know how useful that can be? Is he trapped in a cage? No problem, he’ll eat the bars. Is he stranded on a planet? No problem, he’ll have enough to eat till he’s rescued. Is he low on cash till his next paycheck? He doesn’t have to go to the grocery store.
I think you’re just jealous because spicy food gives you gas or something.
Mr. Terrific has got to be a member. A guy who just happened to be “really good at things” decides to put on a mask, wear a blazer with a “Play Fair” sign emblazoned on it, and join the JSA! What a turkey character.
And Maggott, the worst-ever X-Man. He had giant slugs attached to his arms! Forget being able to fly, or having adamanitium claws, as a comic book-obsessed geeky lad, I always daydreamed about having giant slugs attached to my arm! Uh-huh.
Amalgamize Luke Cage, Shaft and Priest from Superfly – then dumb the result down down about 50 IQ points, and, yes – THIS IS ESSENTIAL – have the comic written by a white guy with NO street cred whatsoever. What do you get?
Wildstorm Comics’ Bay City Jive with Sugar Rollins.
Jeebus, dude. Mr. Terrific was the Batman of his day. A prodigy in every field. He has no super-powers. Yeah, his costume sucks, but that doesn’t make him a loser.
My votes go for:
Kole, formerly of the Teen Titans. Ability to generate crystals. Somehow, I just don’t think Darkseid, invading the Earth and opposed by Kole, is going to stop and admire the view before crushing her to death.
Jericho, formerly of the Teen Titans. God, what a tool. Worst costume, worst hairstyle ever. Power of soul transference is kinda cool, but doesn’t redeem him.
Bouncing Boy, Legion of Super-Heroes. He bounces. Annnnd that’s about it.
The Legion of Super Heroes has featured at least two appearances by Arm Fall-Off Boy, aka Splitter aka Floyd Belkin. I’m not making this up. His power was that he could make his limbs fall off. He tried to join the Legion but was rejected (no!), which does sorta qualify him as a Loser.
Paste-Pot Pete. Not his later “Trapster” incarnation with super glue-guns, the guy in the artist’s smock and beret who painted glue on stuff and hoped people would step in it.
Plaid Lad–can turn things…well…plaid.
Tusky Husky—A member of the Space Canine Patrol Agency—he can grow two of his teeth really big. How lame does one have to be, if you’re lame by SCPA to consider you lame?
They came, each seeking their destined role as Spider-Man’s sidekick. Instead, they found…
…each other.
They are… The Misfits!
The Terrible Toad! A color-clueless former lackey to Magneto, the Toad can jump very tall and insult people with ease! And with a real name like Mortimer Toynbee, he wants you to call him The Toad!
The Fabulous Frog-Man! Eugene Paul Colorito Patilio, disgraced by his father’s failed career as the super-villian Leapfrog, decided to set his family name straight. Donning his father’s green frog suit, Eugene leaps into battle as Frog-Man, stopping criminals by dumb luck!
The Spectacular Spider-Kid! Kid nerd Ollie Osnick started a Dr. Octopus fan club and built his own set of metal tentacles. After realizing the stupidity of that idea, he made himself a roly-poly Spider-suit, then set out to battle crime as The Steel Spider – then changed his name to Spider-Kid after being laughed silly by everyone who saw him. The Misfits!
First seen in Amazing Spider-Man #266, nowshown together for the first (and last) time!
I always wondered why Polar Boy was considered a loser by the Legion. His ability to freeze things, throw frost blasts, and generate ice at will always seemed halfway decent to me.
Stone Boy (who could turn into immobile stone) or Night Girl (who had superstrength, but only in the dark), though, always struck me as colossal losers. Believe me, if I had super strength only after eating Mexican food, you sure wouldn’t hear me calling myself Burrito Man…
Assistant District Attorney Rick Raleigh, frustrated at the number of criminals at large, becomes the Red Bee. (Heck, at least Ant-Man could shrink).
Which married hero suffers constant criticism from his wife about his superheroic activities? Hint: He wears a green and yellow costume, with a hole-y cape. It’s The Web
Wasn’t Mr Terrific that superhero on 1967 prime time teevee? The gas station attendant who happened to be the only human being that the FBI’s Super Energy Pills worked on? He got a special packet every week with two pills that worked for ten minutes, and one that worked for an hour?
He was on for the half hour before Qagop’s Captain Nice?
