The Malibu Welcome Wagon [Sarcastic Title On]

In My Humble Opinion
1

Not in the Pit because it really doesn’t warrant a whole lot of vitriol, but I’m hoping writing it down gets it out of my system little bit because it kind of bums me out.

So the special ladyfriend (SL) and I just finished a hike in the Malibu Creek State Park and were going to top it off with a couple hours at El Matador Beach. Having never been there before, we printed out some Google Map directions. It was those directions I was looking at when the Malibu Welcome Wagon pulled up beside me.

“NON-MALIBU RESIDENTS GO HOME!”

SL asks “What did he say?” I repeat it to her but it really wasn’t necessary because the Welcome Wagon driver was kind enough to repeat it, even extrapolating on the message.

“NON-MALIBU RESIDENTS GO HOME! MALIBU RESIDENTS ONLY!!!”

We’re on the California State Route 1 (the PCH), nothing remotely close to anything resembling a private gated community. So I’m looking at the Welcome Wagon in utter amazement, when they inquire,

‘WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT? FAG!"

At which point, the light changes and they drive on.

Not that it should matter, but neither SL or I are scummy-looking, junkheap-driving, slackjawed trash from the sticks. We’re in Malibu spending our money on the local merchants and services.

The Welcome Wagon itself? I’d put him at about 20 years old, driving a black Mercedes SUV, which he no doubt bought himself after saving his earnings from his after school part-time job. [/sarcasm]

This kid has a problem all right, but it isn’t with “non-Malibu residents.”

2

(Extra points to any Big-Lebowski-themed replies) :cool:

3

I hope you followed and shoved a potato in the tailpipe. His tailpipe, not the SUV.

4

I did a lot of work on southern California beaches and wetlands during grad school, and some parts of Malibu can have that “get outta my town” vibe. I never had anything that silly happen, but I definitely got a lot of odd looks. On second thought that may just have been because I was covered in anoxic mud.

There’s a whole list of beach towns on both coasts that have some residents who are territorial about “their” beaches. Newport Beach is on the list, as is Dana Point, La Jolla, Bolinas, and I’m sure a bunch of others.

When faced with these idiots yelling at me out of their car I would just explain to people that nihilism isn’t even an ethos - I bet that’ll get them every time.

5

You must have been playing The Eagles on your radio, dude.

6

Next time grab some of the guy’s hair. Labs can show traces of toxins. PCBs. Heavy elements… selenium, titanium and arsenic.

The beaches are always being closed because of waste spills, right? And surfers are territorial. They stick mostly to certain breaks. If we can get some hair samples, and get a match to a certain beach, we’d know which break these guys surf and then we can tie them to the local bank robberies… Dude.

7

First, the “beach” is a narrow strip of dirty sand, with extremely cold water. The fog doesn’t lift till 3:00 PM, and Rt 1 is constantly under threat of landslides.
You pay $5 million for a shack, with NO parking. the restaurants are mediocre.
My question: do rich people have community events? if you live in Malibu, would you neighbors drop by for a drink?

8

I’m not sure which answer I like better.

WRT the OP I have nothing helpful to add, except that the 20-something SUV driver was clearly a tool who was apparently raised by hyenas or something, but you probably already knew that.

9

Our last three vacations have taken us into the US for good chunks of time, and we have spent thousands of dollars in local economies. After your appointed gatekeepers (Customs Officers) have examined our passports and let us in, we feel free to go anywhere public in the entire United States. In other words, the Welcoming Committee’s attitude engenders a big ol’ “TFB” response in me. :slight_smile:

(But we do keep our passports on us at all times, because you never know when you might want to buy a beer. :rolleyes: )