The Marmite Horror

[Apollyon]

@chowder

Marmite eaters of the world, unite

Many of us *are *united; our loathing and contempt for the wretched consumers of Vegemite knows no bounds.

@Orr_G

I have however heard it said that the followers of the Old Ones are so horribly twisted and mad, that they pray and sacrifice to their gods so that they, the faithful, be permitted to eat the Marmite… first.

Indeed yes. As can bee seen from this instructional video produced by the high priests, the holy Marmite can alter the minds and personalities of those who ingest it, and its sacrament binds others to our ways.

(Given the OP’s excellent parody I feel it even more amusing that Marmite’s producer in NZ bears the portentous name of “Sanitarium”)

@Caractacus_Pott

What? WHAT??? Six Hundred Grams?? A pound and a third of Marmite? Lurking at my local grocer?

We usually buy it in 500g tubs, and… why are you looking at me like that?

@TWDuke

… the U.S. equivalent would have to be something that’s ubiquitous here but repulsive to people who didn’t grow up on the stuff – like peanut butter.

The Peanut Butter we buy in 1kg tubs. But it has to be the kind without sugar… sugar in peanut butter. blech.

[Ferret_Herder]

@TWDuke

I doubt most Americans know what head cheese and scrapple are, let alone have tasted them. (The only place I’ve seen head cheese on a menu was in Paris.)

Well, you can find head cheese in supermarkets in the area where Qadgop and I are from. Then again, it’s a tad ‘rural’.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

First, awesome post!

@TWDuke

I get the idea that Marmite and Vegemite are quite popular in their homeland, so the U.S. equivalent would have to be something that’s ubiquitous here but repulsive to people who didn’t grow up on the stuff – like peanut butter.

This ties in with my One Nasty Food theory: every culture has one food that they think is awesome, but that people from other cultures think is foul and disgusting. (Foodies from other cultures are strangely immune from the latter clause).

So far I’ve identified:
-British: Marmite
-Australians: Vegemite
-Americans: peanut butter with sweet things (e.g., PB&J, PB&B), especially presweetened varieties like Skippy
-Koreans: Kim Chi
-Japanese: Uni

I’m sure they exist for other cultures also: the ONF theory says every culture has one.

[Martini_Enfield]

@ShadowFacts

And I would suggest that if you’re not prepared to comprehend the style of a parody thread, you should find another thread to comment in instead.

The thing is, my copies of the Lovecraft stories do not have letters missing from things like “God” and “Christ” and the various other Elder God’s names. So it’s not so much a case of “not being prepared to comprehend” as it is “the parody not matching the source material I have available to compare it it”.

Also, you used to be able to get NZ Marmite in 1kg barrel-tubs, but apparently they don’t do that anymore, which makes me sad because it’s only available here in small jars and they don’t last very long.

[HMS_Irruncible]

@ScareyFaerie

Marmite on hot toast is simply divine. Vegemite, on the other hand, is the Devil’s own poo in a jar.

Marmite is good. Vegemite is OK, but it’s like a weakened version of Marmite, designed to fool the immune system into building up affinity to Marmite.

I’m an American who picked it up in my late 30’s. It never occurred to me to try it until somebody said it made cheese taste cheesier, and from that day I have never been without it.

[Zsofia]

@Martini_Enfield

Besides, if you don’t like the stuff, don’t eat it. It’s not like it’s the only foodstuff in existence or anything. There’s quite a few things I can’t believe you lot in the US eat but I don’t go starting pit threads about them.

What, exactly? Always interests me to hear. (I’ve heard that the peanut butter and chocolate combination, a la Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, is an abomination abroad.

I keep meaning to try Marmite. When I (rarely) use a bullion cube, I like to put my tongue on it first. Mmmm, salt.

[Rasa]

Bakery bread, toasted. Real butter, immediately spread on such. Thin layer of Marmite. Equally thin layer of natural not sweetened peanut butter. Mmmmmm.

I’m an American who picked it up from a Canadian whose father was British.

[Superfluous_Parentheses]

Hurrah! I disagree with everything you imply about marmite, but this is one of the best posts I’ve seen here since forever

[Qadgop_the_Mercotan]

@Zsofia

I keep meaning to try Marmite. When I (rarely) use a bullion cube, I like to put my tongue on it first. Mmmm, salt.

I wager you’ll like marmite and vegemite then. They remind me of salty beef roast drippings, yum!

[Rack-a-Bones]

@TWDuke

I doubt most Americans know what head cheese and scrapple are, let alone have tasted them. (The only place I’ve seen head cheese on a menu was in Paris.)

I get the idea that Marmite and Vegemite are quite popular in their homeland, so the U.S. equivalent would have to be something that’s ubiquitous here but repulsive to people who didn’t grow up on the stuff – like peanut butter.

I know what head cheese is but have never tried it. Never heard of Scrapple before today (and OMG-eeew!). Heard of Vegemite and Marmite but was advised by friends they were horrible so never tried it. Though I think I’ll get some Marmite in the next few days to try it.

Perhaps Spam is a contender for “The Marmite of the US.”

[Sunspace]

What’s wrong with peanut butter? It goes good on salty things like pretzels, on bread, as a grilled peanut butter sandwich, on hot dogs…

And the sweet version tastes better than the peanuts-only version. It is a worthy foodstuff to drve back the 'mity hordes.

[Stealth_Potato]

@ShadowFacts

Excellent parody! Bonus points for squeezing in “eldritch,” “ichor” and “fetid,” though I will subtract a point for not spelling the latter “foetid.”

It would have been nice to work in an “antediluvian” too, but yes, excellent work all things considered!

[LurkMeister]

I just wish that there was some way I could get a taste of things like Vegemite and Marmite without having to go to the trouble and expense of purchasing of it. That way if I don’t like it, I won’t have to feel guilty about tossing it out, or arranging to have it transported to the nearest hazardous waste disposal facility, or whatever.

Hmm, my spellchecker recognizes Vegemite but not Marmite as a legitimate word.

[Bacon_Salt]

@Sunspace

The combination of poster name and post contents here is quite disturbing.

Well! I certainly didn’t expect such prejudice from you! It seems that even today people are still uncomfortable when two different condiment types fall in love.

@Lobsang

Hmmmm Baconnn marmiiiiteeee.

You just gave me the inspiration for a BLTM sandwich.

@BigT

BTW: what do you marmite lovers think of peanut butter? I’ve heard that they are supposed to be mutually exclusive tastes.

It’s okay. I prefer the kind that’s just mashed peanuts and salt. Every once in a while I get a hankerin’ for some apples dipped in peanut butter or a PB&banana sandwich.

I’d say peanut butter is a really good contender for USA’s Vegemite equivalent. I don’t think that many Americans of my generation have had head cheese or Spam.
Other contenders:
Ranch dressing
Green bean casserole
Twinkies

[Nava]

@gonzomax

What does it taste like? I have to trust you. i am not going to try it.

You know bouillon cubes? Marmite is the liquid version.

[pulykamell]

@Nava

You know bouillon cubes? Marmite is the liquid version.

Pretty much. I mean, it’s not made from bouillon or any meat product (if you want the meat equivalent of Marmite, look for Bovril, which reintroduced beef into its ingredient list in 2006), but it tastes kind of like concentrated beef stock, although with a slightly bitter aftertaste (the aftertaste reminds me slightly of the taste of B-complex vitamins). It’s really a miracle of culinary science that an extract of yeast with some salt and other flavorings added can come so close to replicating a beefy taste. If you like salt and umami, then marmite is for you.

[Nava]

Since people were asking, it isn’t PB&J that’s an abomination unto the eyes of the kitchen Gods. Nor is it Reese’s cups. It is anything containing PB, period.

One of my classmates in Miami was able to identify why, at least for Spaniards (although the Argentinian was nodding sadly along with everybody else): “it looks like well-mixed two-color nutella or Spanish chocolate, so I expect it to taste sweet and chocolatey. But it tastes like peanuts. Unsalted peanuts, which are an abomination unto themselves but that shall be the subject of our sermon on another Sunday. You know what do I eat when I want to taste peanuts? I eat peanuts! I do not eat something that looks like semiliquid chocolate, when it is my wish to taste peanuts. Providing me with something that appears chocolatey and turns out to taste of peanuts truly is a most deceitful and unacceptable betrayal, comparable to that of Judas upon the Lord our God, it is!”

[Zebra]

Loved the OP.
Never tried Marmite. Seems like pirate food. Marrrrrrrrrmite. and I’m not a Pirate so I can’t eat it.

[Martini_Enfield]

@Zsofia

What, exactly? Always interests me to hear. (I’ve heard that the peanut butter and chocolate combination, a la Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, is an abomination abroad.

Peanut Butter and Jam spring readily to mind (I like Peanut Butter and I like Jam, but they really don’t belong together). Also, lots of excessively sugary lolly-snacks like Twinkies are (IMHO) hideous, and I’ve yet to have an Iced Tea beverage that didn’t taste like chilled lawnmower clippings.

[Walker_in_Eternity]

@ScareyFaerie

Marmite on hot toast is simply divine. Vegemite, on the other hand, is the Devil’s own poo in a jar.

I agree. Brilliant OP though, love the Lovecraft Parody.

Maybe eating Marmite is the first step in the transformation to a Deep One? The saltiness being representative of the briny ocean, not sure about the colour though.