Now, newspapers and so on usually have comment areas beneath the stories, and it’s vitally important to be the first comment, or near the top, otherwise you’ll be number two, or lower. The competition is so fierce that there’s no time to read the article and make a reasoned point, so I’ve been trying to come up with the ultimate general-purpose political news story comment. So that I can just paste it in and go somewhere else. And be first.
It has to seem relevant and substantial, without being either of those things - except coincidentally. It can’t be just “this is rubbish” or “I disagree”, because that would be weak. Conversely, a complicated copy-and-paste diatribe would be too reminiscent of blog spam, and it would be inelegant. Already in the first two paragraphs I have made a reference to overlooked superhero spoof Mystery Men and I’ve used the word “diatribe”. I planned to use the word “elide”, but decided against it. Truly I am a cut above, and I deserve more.
So I applied my great brain, and came up with (drum roll) whilst reading The Guardian this morning (drum roll) specifically about Spain’s economic woes (drum roll) and I came up with (cymbal smash) whilst I was half asleep (the sound of the cymbal fades to silence; there is a cough):
“Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain…”
I think it’s a work of genius. It can be left as a comment on almost every possible news story, and it will seem relevant and/or purposeful instead of just being random nonsense. For example, and I’ll summarise the stories as if they were conversations:
Story: “Spain’s economy is in terrible trouble; should the country continue with its austerity measures?”
Comment one: Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain… +243
Comment two: In my opinion the austerity measures are perfectly sensible, but only when they are applied equally to all strata of society, and only within a robust framework of social justice. +0
See how it works? It almost seems relevant. 'cause, er, the people of Spain are lobsters, metaphorically. And they’re being cooked? Slowly? And they refuse to feel the… heat? Do lobsters feel pain? Isn’t it supposed to be frogs, not lobsters? Comment two was sensible but when two tribes go to war, I get 243 upvotes and you get none. Comment three was probably something about the gold standard and how David Cameron is a fool.
Story: “As part of its preparations for the Olympic games, the British government plans to site anti-aircraft missile batteries in residential areas. Is this a good idea, or not?”
Comment one: Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain… +23
Comment two: Barackommunist O’Dumbo, more like +225
Because in this case the people of Britain are… being cooked. And they… something. Notice how comment two has more votes. This is because it insults Barack Obama. Well-played, comment two.
Story: “Pound sterling has hit a two-year high against the Euro. Strong pound, or weak Euro?”
Comment: Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain… +145
Story: Trivial Rubbish about Jordan and Peter Andre Dressed Up as an Intelligent Article about Divorce, or Something.
Comment: Remember, lobsters don’t feel pain. +145
Obviously that one works better if you can see the headline picture. I realise you haven’t got a flaming clue who Jordan and Peter Andre are, and what they mean, but - dammit - by rights I should have no idea who Anderson Cooper is AND YET I DO, because I made an effort to find out about new cultures. No, not Michael Jordan. TITS!
See, I was inspired by The Onion’s “Kelly” cartoons, which are immensely clever. They’re designed to have the form of an overheated parody of a certain type of political cartoon, in such a way that the best of them are incoherent, viz the linked example. Because I’ve always been fascinated with things that mimic the form of other things, without having any of the substance. Because people only glance at the surface when they make their judgement.
