Stanley tools has come out with a new demolition tool, it’s a hybrid of a big, heavy hammer, oversized wrench and prybar in one, and they’ve given it the most PERFECT name…
the official long-form name is the Stanley Functional Utility Bar, it’s abbreviated name is the FUBAR!
There’s three versions, hammer-size, mid-sized, and sledgehammer size, they’re a solid, HEAVY chunk of carbon steel, and they all look positively Medieval and vicious, they really don’t look much like a hammer or prybar, or fixed wrench, they look like something you’d see out on the battlefields of Middle Earth
when you pick one up, and feel the solid weight in your hands, you can’t help but want to start smashing stuff right away, the Fubar appeals to your most base, caveman-level instincts, the tool is strongly appealing to the “Y” chromosome, you pick one up, and instinctively start looking around for stuff to smash and destroy! SMASHING GOOD, SMASHING FUN!!, MACTECH LIKE SMASHY THING!!
Stanley markets the tool as a demolition tool, for contracters needing to remove a wall, or put a big hole in something, maybe bend some house framing boards, but everybody I’ve shown my Fubar (yes, I bought one, the mid-sized 4 pounder) immediately thinks “Weapon” not “tool”
I bought the mid-sized 4 pounder, as the small one was too small, and the big one was too expensive, do I have any real job for the tool, well, no, I don’t build houses, or remodel walls, and the Fubar is absolutely useless as a computer repair tool, although it’s great to scare obstinate computers into behaving, nevertheless, I NEEDED it, I had to have it, it’s a big, viciously shaped chunk of steel, and it’s sole purpose in life is to destroy, this is a tool made for DISassembling stuff, it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s crude, but it’s just plain cool!
It appealed to my “Y” Chromosome, my Caveman-brain, my brainstem, how could any self-respecting guy NOT like a Big Steel Smashy-Tool, I was genetically required to own it
and Og-dammit, I STILL want the big, expensive 8 pound full-size Fubar tool, just because it’s cool!
…besides, when the Zombies arise, these tools will be great for splitting Zack craniums, it may not be “The Lobo™” from World War Z, but it’s pretty dammned close, and it’s just pure, unadulterated cool!
The Fubar is made of Win!
