This post contains much cursing. You can’t say you weren’t warned…
T’was the night before Saturday, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… except a fucking mouse!
Mickey is the latest resident in the Max household. Despite being just a little fucker, Mickey has made excellent headway through the following items:
A bag of sugar (got a sweet tooth, eh?)
10 (10!!!) packets of instant noodles (what, couldn’t afford the good stuff?)
My chocolate poptarts (you little fucker)
My K-time muffin bars (your days are numbered)
A packet of sultanas (don’t try kidding me that you’re eating healthy, I KNOW about those poptarts)
A packet of brown paper bags (what, you’re packing lunches to take away now?)
Miscellaneous herbs and spices (keeping up the variety)
Dog kibbles (rounding out the diet, I see)
Dog treats (you’re not a dog, really)
… to name just a few.
A couple weekends ago, I cleaned out the cupboard. Let me tell you that one little mouse can make an awful lot of shit. Little cunt. I vacuumed and cleaned (god, the smell), and cleaned some more. MaxBabe finished it off when I just couldn’t do any more.
We chucked out ALL the food that was in that cupboard, and bought new stuff, along with a few handy mouse traps.
Mickey’s thwarted the technology. Little cunt. I can just picture the turdling, sitting in his little hidey hole (for the record, his preferred escape venue is under the pantry where we can’t get to him), laughing his mousey tits off at us. Little shit. Sitting pretty while he eats the delicacies we’ve left on those traps. Corn chips, sultanas, peanut butter. All are history.
MaxBabe hates mice. Imagine her joy at finding Mickey sitting in the pantry one evening. Incredulous, she called me over. “Look at this!”, she exclaimed, “it’s Mickey!”. I went over, and sure enough, there it was, sitting there all happy. To quote what I told BestFriend the other day, “I have set traps, nothing. The little cunt actually runs around in the cupboard while we’re IN THERE getting food out! Little shit just sat there and frightened the bejesus out of MaxBabe one time LMAO! She made me come round to look at it and I was so stunned to see it there all snug and happy that I forgot to beat it to a bloody pulp. Little cunt.”
Honestly. I was so amazed to see the cute widdle mousey, that I forgot it was Mickey the ravenous, verminous cunt. The moment it occurred to me to smash it into a pile of juicy mouse flesh, Mickey’s mousey-sense must’ve alerted it to its impending fate, because it RAN. Right under the pantry. Little fucker.
MaxBabe insisted we get different mousetraps. So we got some of the “big metal spring attached to a big fucking head-removing piece of metal” variety. I’ve set the trap and we are patiently waiting to hear the “SNAP!!!” that heralds Mickey’s demise.
So here I sit, patiently… that fucker’s days are numbered. C’mon mouse. Eat my food. I fucking dare you.