…to my surprise a large black dog which must have entered the house while my back was turned.
“Hello there old fellow” I said, " and just where did you come from and who owns you?"
I was absolutely staggered when the dog…
told me to fuck off, and helped himself to a beer out of the fridge and the well-aged Angus steak I’d been promising myself for dinner that night, all the while giving me a “what are you going to do about it?” look which I didn’t like in the slightest.
But I had an ace up my sleeve!
…unfortunately the dog had a royal flush in spades.
With a wry smile I tossed my cards on the table and reached for my gun, I fired point blank at the smirking mutts face, the fucking gun misfired!
I still hadn’t cleaned the cow shit off it, quick as a flash the dog turned and…
handed me my gun-cleaning kit, winked at me and trotted out the front door. I looked out my front window to see the dog bound across the street to Tim Conway, who gave it a good scratching under the chin before going inside his own house with it. I’m getting sick of that guy, I thought, as I began planning an elaborate revenge involving…
…my ex-wife, Mildred, a goat and some KY jelly.
I picked up the phone, “Number please” said the operator. I thought this a tad unusual as the phone had been disconnected months ago.
Still not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth I gathered my wits about me, packed them into a small briefcase along with the phone and headed off in the general direction of…
…Jan Mayen’s Land, which would have been a good time to remember to pack the long underwear, let me tell you! Unfortunately this occurred to me a little too late, just as I was getting off the seaplane in fact, and then all I could do was…
…decide to have an afternoon nap.
I was just drifting off when suddenly…
there was Angie Harmon tapping me on the shoulder. She was dressed in a fashionably-cut parka with a faux fur collar, and looked simply delectable. “Hey,” she said with that sexily raspy voice I’d come to know and love from years of Law & Order reruns, “you must be the guy I’m going to be in that Sam Raimi movie with!” Her beauty dazzled me, but even better was when she handed me a set of long underwear - in my size! - and a…
…can of bear repellent.
I looked, slightly nonplussed, at the latter item for a moment, and then as the little minx scampered off I looked up, and you can guess what I saw.
That’s right.
It was a…
…large black dog holding a pack of playing cards.
“Oh really, this is getting quite ridiculous” I thought.
Cow shit, card playing dogs and portals to another world.
I sat down to have a ponder, Angie Harmon sashayed up to me and slipping off the parka, she stood there, naked with a mink on her shoulder. I began to wonder…
Isn’t that mink going to bite her? Its whiskers quivered a bit as it stared at me with its beady eyes, nestling under her chin. Angie noticed my gaze and said, “Oh, don’t worry about him. Slinky is very well trained; he’s never bitten me yet… when I didn’t ask him to.” I stammered, “Uh, why don’t you just get a mink stole? They never bite!” She laughed and said, “Now, where would the fun be in that?” I had to admit, she…
is absolutely insane. As I vocalized this opinion the mink dove from around her neck and bit me on the cheek taking out a sizable chunk. It’s a good thing she seemed turned on by the blood.
Angie Harmon seemed to to perk up a bit as well. She sidled slowly over, eyes shifting back and forth between me and the shrub next to the front of my house and into the mink had disappeared. She reached out and soothingly wiped away the blood flowing from my cheek wound and sliding wetly down my face. Just as her eyes shifted to the bush again, they saucered and she exclaimed, "You’re definitely going to need some help with . . .
…trimming that bush"
“What the hell are you babbling on about?” I muttered. I was feeling a bit pissed by now.
Chased by bulls,covered in cow shit,cold, wet and hungry and tired and to top it all I have a chunk missing out of my cheek and blood trickling down my face.
“That bush” she repeated, “needs cutting”
At the mention of “bush” I involuntary glanced at the dark “V” between her…
eyes. She apparently took offense to this, as the next thing I knew, I heard a *THWIP! THWIP! * sound and was immediately stuck to the couch by an enormous glob of webbing. While I had been distracted by the Mink’s attack, she had donned two web-shooters as well as a neon green muumuu.
Said Angie, “Yeah, they’re web-shooters, so what, wanna fight about it? I pilfered these from the set of another of Sam’s movies. That’s right…The Quick and The Dead. As for what Sharon Stone was doing with web-shooters, well…”
…“stone me, where did that bloody couch come from?”
This sequence of events was becoming more like The Twilight Zone by the minute. I wasn’t sure if I was on my arse or my elbow.
I decided to play along, “so you’re a thief are you?” I enquired of the lovely M/s Harmon.
“Yeah, s’right big boy, so what?” she snarled in a voice dripping with…
…dripping.
She held out a sizeable butty laden with prime beef fat and a nice pinch of salt and pepper. “Come on, I know what you really like. You northerners are all the same.” 
Well, she had me there, I had to admit, and as she was already halfway through her own sandwich what could I do but…
…offer her a slice of black pudding which I had secreted about my person.
“oooh, blood” she squealled, her eyes glazing over with undisguised lust. “You Northerners certainly know how to get”…
disgusting food from anywhere without a moment’s notice!" I just smirked and pulled a bowl of haggis out of my backpack. Her eyes lit up and she began wolfing it down. Holding a bandage up to my cheek wound, I said suavely, “So, my dear, after you’re done with that, what do you say you and I go to my hotel room here on Jan Mayen’s Land and then…”
…“play monopoly?” she breathed huskily wiping sheep giblets from her ample bosom.
“Whenever I play monopoly I always feel so caught up in the moment, I feel so alive, alive, alive”
She continued in a semi-orgasmic tone of voice " I get such a feeling of…