Well, I’ve only had Scout for eight months, so I haven’t yet progressed to the pro-fish smacking.
I’ve also been hit on the head with a cod (seagull transporting accident). I can witness that it hurts! A lot!
This sounds like it might be a hotbed of cod-slapping opportunity. As a guitar-playing demi-Jew (who went to a Christian youth group in high-school, in hindsight because there were girls there and guys who played guitar and frankly, I was afraid to party) - I bet you have a story or two…
Or from Montana. Apparently, I’m supposed to be buddies with every single human who has ever so much as spent the night within the borders of the state.
Trout fit better than cod in one’s pocket. When smacking dipshits, convenience is important. 
“Have a good one.” The most insincere phrase of the last 4 years.
But if one goes around actually saying, “Fuck off and die!” people will talk.
I’ve gotten that a few times as well. Henry Cho, a Korean American comedian, has this bit where he talks about his white mother-in-law meeting his dad for the first time.
Mother-in-law: :: very loudly and slowly :: Hel-LO, MI-ster CHO, HOW are YOU?
Dad: :dubious: :: turns to son :: What’s she doing?
Cho: Well, she thinks she’s speaking Korean.
My two have been mentioned and I have another one.
My dog is a fat ass. I KNOW HE’S A FAT ASS. He’s a fatty, fatty fat ass! We are working on getting him to NOT be a fat ass. STFU about it already! My favorite was when I brought him into the pet store to pick out a new ball the day after his pack leader died (my Rottie, Amos). I was NOT in a good state of mind, and even when I’m IN a good mood, STFU about my dog, OK? We were in there trying to have a nice day and pick out a new ball to chase in the park, where we were headed. The asshole working there looks down at him over his gut that’s lopping over his belt and says “Hey, looks like somebody needs to get some exercise!” I scowled at him and said “Yes, we’re here getting a new ball for him to chase. Maybe you should join us at the park” and stared at his gut. Jerkhole.
Bottom line: My dog is fat, we’re working on making him NOT fat. STFU. It’s just like people; if you don’t have something nice to say, shove it up your ASS!
My second: Like Ruffian, I’ve run the gamut of back problems. I had a huge spinal fusion when I was 20, and subsequently I have chronic back issues. I don’t go around advertising it or whatever, but it is what it is. The next person, after I say that I am unable to do something that gives me the “Oh, it’s not THAT heavy!” or “OH, come ON!!” is going to get a humiliating kick in the crotch. I know what I can and cannot do. If I say I cannot do something, I expect you to accept that and MYOB. I don’t owe you a health history. Just fucking do it yourself. “I have a back back” is my explanation. You aren’t entitled to more unless you’re a job supervisor. I’m tired of people who think you have to be old to have orthopedic problems. Mine started at around 12. Have people really never seen sick/disabled children? Do they think everyone is 100% fine, then they turn 70 and are sick?
My third is this: I work in a casino in the slots area. NO I DO NOT KNOW WHICH MACHINES WILL HIT. If I did, I’d quit my job and gamble all day! Do you think we set them up beforehand with some code? No! STOP ASKING ME!
(bolding mine)
Which is a big ole myth, anyway. BTW, “Jewlets” made me chuckle.
Oooo, I gotta use this one!
“Electric guitar Protestantism”. I’m going to have to roll that around on my tongue for a few days.
Frequently said to my son, after he lets loose with a polysyllabic pronouncement unexpected from one of his tender years: “Oh my god, you are SO SMART.”
I know people mean well when they say things like that, but it warps kids when total strangers repeat the same compliment to them all the time. My friend’s niece was told constantly “oh my, you are such a pretty little girl.” She became unbearably conceited about her looks as a result.
Not healthy.
I shall invest in damp fish.
I’ve heard polydactyl cats are sort of like Down’s Syndrome humans. Was Jose retarded?
Ouch! Get that fish away from me.
Let me guess…
Michelle?
Caroline?
Susannah?
Also, they have just the right amount of flex, and are really good on the backhand.
Had one yesterday that just stopped me cold in my tracks:
“Have a cliché.”
I freeze, doing my best ‘deer in the head lights’ imitation: What did you say?
“You know, ‘Have a cliché’. Pick one: ‘Nice day’, ‘good one’, ‘are we having fun yet?’ or whatever works for you today.”
I’m still chuckling over that one - I am soooo going to use it from now on …
Now for the cod and trout slappers:
Stranger looks at name tag sewn on my well worn jacket: “Is that really your name or did the laundry screw up?”
No. My employer supports cross-dressing as a recreational pass-time.
or “Lucy, I’m hommmmmme.”
Riiiiickyyyy, you’re a jerrrrkkkkyy. And that’s the worst imitation I’ve heard in thirty years!
or “Did your parents listen to Johnny Cash once too often?”
Shit. Look at me. I’m 54 years old. I was born before JC released his first records. Think about it. Should be pretty obvious even if you failed math in grammar school that I was in junior high when that song came out … any way, the name 's Lucy, not ‘Sue’.
And the next one who insists that they see my driver license to verify that this 54 year old, bearded, bald, Professional Driver’s real name is ‘Lucy’ is not going to get a trout. Or a Cod. Or even a squid.
They’re gonna get a very hungry mako shark right up the asssss …
Lucy.
She could just say, “hes been quite successful in porn,” and keep walking.
Wait…what? You’re from Korea? You must be really good in math.
<runs away>
Allow myself to clarify. I’m talking about the type of under-25 Christians who go to huge churches with rock bands, have “NOTW” or “Jesus Freak” stickers all over their cars, and would live life to the tune of “Hip to be Square” if they were square enough to have heard of it.
I think we now have the thread winner!
My husband is a medical helicopter pilot. I swear, he is this (schrunches fingers really close together) close to cod-whalloping the next person who asks "are you medical person too, or do you just fly?
Just fly? You mean just fly that thing that requires both hands, both feet, and all your concentration to keep upright in the air while flying over pitchblack Iowa at night with a patient projectile vomiting on his lap? That took $50K worth of training and several years to qualify to fly medical? Oh no, he’s just the pilot. You want he should stop flying for a couple minutes and slap a quick band-aid on that GI bleed?
Donna.
Now if you start singing, you get slapped, m’kay? 