My first cruise was in February 1996 aboard Carnival Sensation, 'twas a college graduation gift for me and a high school graduation gift for my brother (he was never going to go to college lol), along with my parents. This being my first time cruising, I had no baseline by which to compare, but nevertheless I was genuinely thrilled with the ship. Nowadays it would be considered guady in the extreme (even by Carnival standards), but I was mesmerized by its beauty (it’s since been scrapped). The biggest downside regarding the ship itself was the fact that, at the time, it was Anything Goes smoking-wise, and a cloud of thick cigarette smoke was ever-present in every part of the ship except the Dining Room. My trip took me to Playa del Carmen (the Mayan ruins were amazing!), Grand Cayman (Seven Mile Beach was amazing! my brother and I rented personal watercrafts and chased each other about), and Ocho Rios, Jamaica (Jamaica is a pit and if I never set foot there again it will be too soon).
My second cruise was 2010, my parents came into some money and they took us four kids and our spouses on Carnival Liberty. A much bigger, much more sedate ship than Sensation, I was again taken aback by its beauty. Still, at the time Carnival’s smoking policy was What Smoking Policy? so my complaint stands. And also their sushi distribution system left a lot to be desired: sushi was served at one stand, for only a couple of hours at a time, and you had to queue up for an unremarkable piece. The entertainment, though, was top-notch: a hypnotist had a show go so off the rails that he had to conclude it early.* We visited Carnival’s private island, Half Moon Cay (I have never had a better couscous dish in my life than whatever they served at the commissary on the island); St. Thomas (Mrs. H and I did a helmet dive tour, we loved it!); San Juan (I did a zipline tour, Mrs. H stayed on the ship); and Turks & Caicos (we both just stayed on the beach and didn’t do much else, and it was glorious).
This December we’ll be sailing out of New Orleans (the previous two we sailed out of Miami) on Norwegian Breakaway. Since I have a little money, I’m splurging for a room with a balcony, something I’ve never done, and I’m also paying for an upgrade package that includes “unlimited” drinks, plus unlimited WiFi and three signature dining credits. I’ve never done “signature dining” on a sailing vessel so this will be a first for me and Mrs. H. We’re sailing to Cozumel (one time seeing Mayan ruins was enough so we’ll just take an excursion to a private beach), Roatan (another private beach day), and Harvest Caye (we’ll probably just stay at the beach). None of the other shore excursions say much to me and, truth be told, all of those Caribbean Islands start to look the same after a while. The biggest thing I’m looking forward to on this ship is being able to move about without having to navigate through cigarette smoke everywhere I go. Cruise lines have tightened up on their smoking policies and it looks like the only indoor place where it’s allowed on NCL vessels is the casino. And since I have no interest in gambling, this will almost certainly be a smoke-free cruise for me! Woot! About fucking time.
The thread that unites all of these cruises together is the fact that they’re on mass-market, one-size-fits-all cruise lines (like NCL or Carnival). The day may yet come when I have the money to spend on a primo, luxury line like Viking or what have you. And the day may yet come when I have the money to do a river cruise (though it will be the Danube or something, not the Mississippi). Also, the day may yet come when I have the money to cruise to, say, Europe or the Mexican Riviera or Hawai’i or Alaska instead of the Caribbean.
What are your cruising experiences?
*The hypnotist had a guy from the audience (may have been a plant) come up on stage, and he was guided to act out increasingly comical scenes. By the end the audience was roaring. But what derailed the show was when the hypnotist had his mark pretend he was about to have sex, and act out what he was going to do. The guy got down on his knees and made the motions as if he were sucking a guy’s dick. By this time everyone is laughing so hard that I thought for a minute the ship’s medic was going to have to administer oxygen. The hpnotist was like, “I don’t think I can top this, we’re done here, good night!”
*I considered entering a Texas Hold 'Em tournament for the lulz whilst on the Breakaway, but the buy-in is $200 and, no, fuck that. I figured $100 would be more reasonable, but not twice that.
*I know that you have to drink like an alcoholic on a bender to get your money’s worth on these all-inclusive drinks packages, but I’ll play the fool and buy it anyway because I’m a huge cheapskate otherwise and I don’t want to not buy drinks because I don’t want to rack up a bill, like I would otherwise. If they’re pre-paid then I’ll just drink and not worry about it.
