The Post Office: A play in one act

The setting: A suburban post office in Alabama.
Cast of characters:
• ME

(The scene opens as ME, played by me because Pierce Brosnan wasn’t available, walks into the post office from stage right. I’m just there to buy stamps. LOUD LADY #1 is standing stage right with LOUD LADY #2, away from the counter. Their reason for being there is never really made clear. CELL-PHONE MAN and STOIC MAN are standing in line stage left. POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE is behind a counter at center stage, talking with CLUELESS OLD WOMAN.)

LOUD LADY #1: And Myrtis doesn’t know WHAT that thing was on her neck, although that doctor says it’s a goiter, but I don’t know about that.

LOUD LADY #2: Oh, my aunt Lurlene had a goiter. It looked like she was trying to swallow a YAM, that thing was so big.

CLUELESS OLD WOMAN: How much will it cost to send this package to Venezuela?

POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE: Venezuela? Wait just a moment, please, while I figure that out.

CLUELESS OLD WOMAN: You mean you can’t just tell me how much it costs?

POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE: No, ma’am, I have to weigh the package and calculate the rates.

CLUELESS OLD WOMAN: Well, I don’t have all day.

STOIC MAN says nothing.

CELL-PHONE MAN: (answering phone) Yello? Hey, Tim. How’s the divorce going? You hit the strip club yet? Asked out that chick at work?

LOUD WOMAN #2: I wonder, are ALL goiters painful, or just some of them?

LOUD WOMAN #1: They sure LOOK painful, don’t they?

POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE: It’ll be $41.35 to ship to Venezuela, ma’am.

CLUELESS OLD WOMAN: Forty-one DOLLARS? That’s ridiculous. I could DRIVE it there for less money.

POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE: I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s the best international rate I can find.

CLUELESS OLD WOMAN: InterNATIONal? No, honey, this is just going to VENEZUELA. It’s not international.

CELL-PHONE MAN: Man, if I was you, I’d be all over that work chick. I bet she could suck the chrome off a bumper.


LOUD WOMAN #1: I don’t know WHY people talk on those things in public.

STOIC MAN says nothing.

POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE: Venezuela is in South America, ma’am. That’s why it’s an international rate.

CLUELESS OLD WOMAN: Venezuela? I don’t want to send this to Venezuela. It’s going to VERBENA. I don’t even know anybody in Venezuela. Why would I want to send a package there?

CELL-PHONE MAN: I bet you could (Very Bad Word) that chick seven ways from Sunday. She just looks like that type, you know?


LOUD WOMAN #2: SOME people just have no sense of BOUNDARIES.

POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE: Okay, ma’am, it’ll be $8.50 to ship to Verbena.

CLUELESS OLD WOMAN: Well that’s more LIKE it. Venezuela! I swear! You sure you’re qualified to deliver mail?

STOIC MAN says nothing.

LOUD WOMAN #2: Didn’t your preacher go to Venezuela on a mission trip?

LOUD WOMAN #1: No, he went to Peru. Myrtis was going to go on that trip, but then her goiter showed up and she had to drop out.

ME: *(Grabs a roll of bubble-wrap and stuffs it down my esophagus in a desperate attempt to kill myself. This is thwarted by STOIC MAN, who turns out to be a paramedic and who administers CPR after pulling the bubble-wrap from my throat. I never do get my stamps.)


So you and STOIC MAN never say a word? Why can’t more people be like that when standing in line? Next time this happens (and there WILL be a next time, these people loiter in the post office for the express purpose of annoying the public), you should grab the phone and stuff it down CPM’s throat. This would at least give the LOUD WOMEN something else to talk about, and STOIC MAN could try to remove the offending device. But I think that perhaps he’d just be a little slow about doing it. The POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE would probably give you your stamps for free.

Nope. Ibsen used this to great effect in his plays, too. He once wrote an entire three-act play in which nobody ever said anything. It was universally panned.

We’re both ahead of our time.

BORBORYGMI: Sic semper tyrannis!

BORBORYGMI leaps down to stage and shoves cell phone down CELL-PHONE MAN’s throat.

LOUD WOMAN #2: Yes! Yes! That’s what my aunt Lurlene’s goiter looked like!

LOUD WOMAN #1: It really DOES look painful!
Hilarious OP, BTW.

A wonderful OP. I’m struggling not to laugh out loud during class. Excellent.

Tell Stoic Man Sudha thought this was funny.

cries with laughter, scares everyone sitting nearby in the library

Bravo! Bravo!

I was applauding at the opening titles, just at seeing the playwright’s credit. Wasn’t Sauron the one who met the Emperor of Earth at McDonald’s?

Off to do a search…

Just made the edit window: A classic Sauron rant.

Every few weeks I live this scene:

Me: I walk into crowded post office with arms loaded with packages. I walk directly up to the counter and deposit packages on said counter.

Post office lady: Hi Ebay guy, looks like you had a good week.

Me: Yep, sure did. See you next week.

Aggravated person who has been waiting in line too long: Hey buddy, line starts in the back.

Me: Buy your postage online, you don’t have to wait in line.

I never get tired of that play. :smiley:

Great. I’ll never be able to read the word ‘goitre’ (or ‘goiter’) again whithout thinking of a suburban post office in Alabama…

Well, it beats the other stuff you could be thinking about when you read the word “goiter,” doesn’t it?

But, what about Aunt Lurlene?? :confused:

Should I be glad that I’m not entirely sure what a goitre actually is?

I was going to feature Aunt Lurlene (played by Marlon Brando in drag) a lot more, but her agent got greedy and wanted a bigger cut of the gate, so I had to write her out of the play.

Well, you asked

Thank You! I have a half hour to go on this ever so boring day at work and that made my entire day a little brighter.

Very entertaining!

Thank You! I have a half hour to go on this ever so boring day at work and that made my entire day a little brighter.

Very entertaining! :smiley:

I’m glad my pain was able to lighten your day. :wink:

Seriously … I’m exaggerating the conversations in my play from what actually occurred, but only by a little bit.