(Police Hold Nine over Alleged ‘Posh Spice’ Kidnap-Reuters Headline)
It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, yet wait until I tell the full story. Some buddies and I, having been down on our luck, found ourselves in need of some serious dough to finance a political buy-off and so we decided to give this kidnapping thing a try. We decided that the best type of person to kidnap would be somebody that’s famous and loved by some. But not so loved that people would be searching for us every waking moment. So kidnapping J-Lo or Madonna was out of the question. We then decided that the perfect kidnapping candidate would be one of the Spice Girls. After all, they had sold a lot of records and were loved by many people, yet not everyone loved them. In fact, a lot of people made fun of them. So we began planning the kidnapping with the intent of snatching Baby Spice.
We promptly headed to London where we discovered that the Baby Spice kidnapping option was not in our best interest, due to the extravagant security around the Baby mansion. We then looked at pictures of the 5 Spice Girls and did eenie meanie miney moe and came upon Posh Spice. She would be our new target. The way we figured, the British police would not be as likely to make a big deal over a Spice Girl being kidnapped as they would over a Member of Parliament being kidnapped, yet thousands of teenagers would beg their parents to pay the ransom. So our plan stood a 95 percent chance of working.
We waited for just the right moment as she was walking out of her home in London. As she exited, we ran up to her and grabbed her. She started to kick and scream. Bud tried to tell her to quiet down and everything would be all right. She elbowed him in the crotch. Bud sputtered and snarled that this new action would increase the ransom demand by a few hundred dollars more.
We blindfolded her and took her to the car where Spike and Mutt were waiting. Mutt had the rope and he bound her arms and legs while Spike drove us back to the hideout. This hideout was my brother’s apartment with two bedrooms and a living room.
Upon our arrival, we took the blindfold off Posh and explained to her that our intention was to hold her until the good citizens of Britain pulled together and paid the ransom we were demanding.
Her reply was not what we expected. “I don’t think that many people are going to be worrying too much about me.”
“Surely your band mates will. You are one of the Spice Girls after all.”
“In case you weren’t aware, the Spice Girls broke up about a year ago pal. I haven’t talked to any of them in about a year!”
Well that was just bad news. The Spice Girls broken up? Our kidnapping was turning into a dud. I signaled for my buddies to join me in the living room where we conferred.
“Should we just let her go and call this kidnapping a flop?”
“No. After she gave me that black eye, they owe me my money!”
I looked over at Mutt and Spike and they both nodded in Bud’s direction. So I posted Bud to watch over Posh while I slept in the other bedroom.
So I climbed into bed and dozed off. But an hour later I was awakened by the arrival of Bud.
“Look partner. I know I promised to keep an eye on her for the night. But couldn’t you do the honors for an hour or so”.
“What is it?”
“She keeps singing over and over that stupid Wannabe song. You know that ‘tell me what you want, what you really really want one’?”
“Yes I know that one!! I’ll keep an eye on her for a while.”
I made my way down the hall to the room where Posh was. By now she had changed from singing “Wannabe” to “Spice Up Your Life”. Two hours of that was enough to make a grown man cry. To make matters worse, she sang in a high enough tone that kept Mutt and Spike awake too.
By morning, all members of the Spice Girls kidnapping party were quite cranky. Bud went in to the kitchen to get himself breakfast and he come back yelling, “Where did all the bagels go?”
“I took them,” said a familiar voice behind us.
“You what?” Bud yelled.
“As soon as I saw they were low fat, I knew they were the right ones for me”.
Bud slumped over in a chair. He looked defeated. I reminded him that I would be going into town to pick up a paper and fax our ransom demand and I would pick up some more bagels while I was out.
I headed over to the local convenience store and newsstand and purchased a copy of the London times. On the way back, I stopped at the post office and faxed a copy of the ransom letter. The letter was sent to the other 4 Spice Girls care of the record company and informed them that if they wanted to see Posh again, they would have to pay us $20.000. I returned to the apartment and found Bud alone.
“Mutt and Spike bailed. They said that this wasn’t worth it”.
“She kept talking about Girl Power and forcing us to watch video clips from that movie she was in. Now I think that kidnapping Roseanne would have been a better idea”.
“Don’t worry Bud. I sent the letter. We should hear from them soon.”
We spent the rest of the day keeping our eyes on Posh who took to practicing kung fu moves on us. Bud and I are not very agile and we were both thrown. That evening, she started practicing her karaoke and that was even worse.
By morning, we were both eager to take the money and get out of there as fast as we could. At sunrise, I made my way to the newsstand where I picked up the paper. I searched through pages until I found the following:
Open Letter To: The People Who Kidnapped Posh Spice
From: The Record Company.
We have received your letter. Unfortunately, since the Spice Girls are no longer together, we cannot forward it to them. However, we are willing to cut a deal. We meet at a place of your designation and you give us Posh along with the $20.000 you asked for from us. Do that and I’m sure you’ll be grateful to us for getting her off your hands.
Record Company President
Well of all the nerve! The record company had the audacity to shaft us like that! I was tempted to fire off a letter to the CEO telling him that he would be getting Posh back in pieces for that little stunt. But then I saw the look on Bud’s face
“They want to pay us to get rid of her. I’ll gladly pay”
“Bud are you nuts! This defeats the purpose of the kidnapping!
“It isn’t worth it. She’s almost cost me my sanity. This kidnapping business is more trouble than it’s worth!”
I heard Posh start to yodel again. Geeze, she sounds worse than Celine! I find myself getting ready to tear my hair out. I look over at Bud and nod my head. I promptly head over and fax a letter to the CEO agreeing to his terms and telling him to meet us at a designated spot with no police or law enforcement around
So we waited until the appointed time and then set out for the meeting place. We promptly arrived and handed over Posh and the check. As we started to leave, the CEO said: “One more thing boys” and walked over to side door and opened it. In stepped several cops that blocked us from leaving. “You’re under arrest for kidnapping boys”.
The cops moved in and began reading us our rights. As they started to put the handcuffs on us, I heard the head cop say “So Mrs. Spice. Would you like to join us on the ride to the station? My daughter is a Spice Girls fan and she’d love your autograph.”
“Sure would. In fact I’ll sing a couple tunes for our boys in the car”.
“That’ll be great. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it”
At the very moment the word “sing” came out of Posh’s mouth, Bud kneed two of the cops in the same place Posh had kneed him when this whole mess began and made a run for the door. I followed him and the cops chased us. But we got away. I’ll bet those cops burned tons of rubber in the whole pursuit, for as fast as their cars may be, Bud was always 20 feet ahead of them.