Why, Cecil Adams is a prominent citizen in Chicago, with many interests here and there, and especially at The Reader, which is greatly respected by one and all in these parts.
Along about six weeks ago, Cecil is in Cindy’s restaurant taking on a little cold borscht, which is a most refreshing matter in this hot weather which is coming off, when he sees me and gives me a large hello.
‘Well, Cecil,’ I say, ‘you are indeed a sight for sore eyes, as I do not expect to see you at this time, what with all these questions waiting to be answered at your office.’
‘No,’ says Cecil, ‘There are no more questions for me. In fact, I am no longer in the business of answering questions. This is because there are no more questions to be answered here, as I already answer them all, in fact, I answer most of them twice already. Have some cold borscht, it is a speciality here, and it is most delicious.’
Now, I am by no means fond of borscht, even when it is cold borscht, so I order up a cup of java and listen, as Cecil speaks, as follows:
‘I am tired,’ he explains, ‘tired of various parties asking me what is the capital of Burkina-Faso, and why does this bird sing, and where is the best place to get a pizza in New Mexico. The job is more than somewhat tiresome, and I ask Ed Zotti to answer these questions from now on, as I wish to do other things.’
Well, I am most surprised at these remarks, and I am wondering what is it that Cecil wishes to do, and I am about to question him on the small matter of pizza joints in the state of New Mexico, when he says:
‘I am greatly concerned,’ he continues, ‘that Dopers continue to use the past tense at all times, and I regret there is nobody around here who uses the present tense, or maybe the past historic tense, or preferably both. So, I consider I must find a citizen who does this, which is why I give up question answering, and I am going out to find a guy, or a doll, who fits this description.’
I am thinking over this proposition when I hear a telephone ring, which is Cecil’s telephone, and Cecil answers as follows:
‘Ouagadougou,’ Cecil says, and he hangs up.
Of course, ouagadougou is a most surprising thing to say when you are putting on cold borscht, and even when you are not, but before I think to ask Cecil what is this ouagadougou matter he refers to here, he explains:
‘This is Zotti again. He asks what is the capital of Burkina-Faso, which is the same question he asks yesterday, and he also asks it a week last Friday. If Zotti is not careful’, says Cecil’, I will send him to Ouagadougou so that he does not forget. Furthermore, I do not provide a return ticket.’
‘Cecil’, I say, ‘do not let Ed Zotti answer questions such as ouagadougou, it is too dangerous, as it is a great knock to the Chicago Reader, and also to Chicago, that he does not know important matters such as this.’
I can see Cecil thinks about this statement very carefully indeed, so I say:
‘I am familiar with this present tense of which you speak, also the past historic, whatever that is, so I am your guy here, and do not worry.’
Well, Cecil agrees with this proposition, which is why he still answers these questions for the Chicago Reader, and I am the guy with the present tense around here, although what happens to Ed Zotti nobody knows, unless he goes to Burkina-Faso, and is still looking for a signpost with Ouagadougou on it.
