Inspired by, of all things, an ATMB thread.
I’ve known ever since elementary school (when I tried to play one) that a badly-played clarinet sounds like a dying bullfrog. And I’ve since come to appreciate (yes, appreciate: I LIKE it, dammit!) that tuba sounds like a flatulent elephant. Now, thanks to the SDMB and Mr. B, I now know that French horn sounds like seals mating.
But there’s still plenty of instruments out there, just waiting to be misplayed. Your nominations?
A badly played theremin (AUGH) is like a cat on fire.
I think the title of this thread would make a great book title, possibly for a book having nothing to do with musical instruments.
Well, in the case of a rusty trombone, I suppose a poor performance would be immediately heralded to all by a hearty scream…either that or a tuba-like report…
What? I know what I’m talking about; mustn’t forget to open the water key every now and then…
Bad oboe players trying to play in their low register, and they create the “squeek of death” instead. Sounds like the screeching dinosaurs in spielberg movies.
The sound of two piccolos tuning (I’d rather just shoot one). You can’t even compare the sound to anything out there.
And percussionists who don’t quite know exactly WHERE and HOW to hit their certain instruments. For instance, hitting claves together like you would clap your hands = wrong. Instead of making a good, resonant sound, it mutes the sound. Ugh. It’s like someone trying to hit a tree and expect music to come out of it.
Ah yes, and the tromboon: put a bassoon mouthpiece (with the reed) into your trombone, and play. It’s a fascinating sound, something like an airplane. Which brings me to the tromobonaphone: a trombone with a sax mouthpiece. You can simular the sound of a car perfectly. And if you bite the reed and blow, it sounds as though your car is screeching around a corner at high speed.
Every time bagpipes are played badly, a kitty is being strangled.
Well, I decided to, rather than merely observe, contribute something.
I’ll second klockwerk with his dismay over unskilled percussionists. Instruments like drums and cymbals are easy to play poorly; some people don’t know where and how to stroke, they play certain traps at a higher volume than they should in relation to others, etc. Traps like the tambourine and triangle I have little tolerance for these days; I have years of experiencing poor performances on these instruments.
I also dislike the ‘C’ harmonica. I’ve heard too many scales in ‘C’, and, combined with the shrill nature of a diatonic harmonica, it’s unbearable to me.
A badly played bassoon especially in the low registar sounds like goose in severe pain, or possibly two geese(if you can find two bassoonists) mating.
Thank goodness in the high register of the bassoon if you can’t play it well, makes no noise at all. (B and up)
Dammit, klockwerk! It’s going to take me at least an hour to unjangle my spine now…
Is there a correllation then between bad bagpipe playing and masturbation? 
OK, so we have:
Theramin: Burning cat
Oboe: Screeching velociraptor
Bagpipes: Strangled cat
Bassoon: Tortured goose, or (blessedly) girrafe
Looks like a good start.
You left out my trombone hyrbrids.
Not necessary, I guess they aren’t real instruments.
If you want to hear a recording of the Tromboon, pick up P.D.Q. Bach’s CD The 1712 Overture. It’s a good laugh.
Bagpipes played badly sound exactly like bagpipes played well.
In extremely incompetent hands, the oboe is a velociraptor, yes. But in just merely untrained and indifferent hands, it is a duck, and not a happy duck at that.
Peter Schiekle said something on Music For an Awful Lot of Winds and Percussion. This is the CD that includes a bassoon quartet. I believe the line is something along the lines of: “[Some guy] said the only sound more beautiful than one guitar is two guitars. So what’s more beautiful than two guitars? Four bassoons.” Actually, it works out pretty well, but I guess four bad bassoons would sound like some sort of waterfowl orgy.
[QUOTE]
Originally posted by CadburyAngel
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In extremely incompetent hands, the oboe is a velociraptor, yes. But in just merely untrained and indifferent hands, it is a duck, and not a happy duck at that.
Ah, Peter and the Wolf for a new millenium. Besides, a duck is somewhat related to a velociraptor.
I played the trumpet in junior high and high school. There is more than one way to play a trumpet badly:
Blowing too softly: An owl on valium
Playing too loudly: Castrating a chimpanzee without anesthesia
Not emptying the spit valve when it (desperately) needs to be emptied: A drowning peacock
Not keeping the keys oiled: An old rusty manual typewriter
Chronos, thanks for this thread!
(Although I’m a little surprised we haven’t yet heard from Algernon. After all, it was he introduced to me the hybrid “Frumpet,” and I did include him in my silly Green Hornet send-up. <shrug>)
klockwerk: I have had the opportunity to try out a Tromboon. It’s exactly as you said, only my wife has left me and my dog has peed on the carpet.
Uh, “he who introduced…” Damn spit valve.
Bagpipes sound like someone is hitting a cat with a baby.
Come, now, KidCharlemagne, the bagpipes clearly sound more like someone hitting a baby with a cat.