In the last ten minutes I think I’ve been infuriated by at least six different phenomena of sports presentation. It’s not all ESPN, but man, fucking ESPN. Fucking ESPN.
Dick Vitale is ruining an NBA game tonight. Usually he ruins college games; frankly I should be thankful since I watch far more national college broadcasts than NBA ones. Anyway, I switch over to the channel, the Heat get a steal and a transition dunk, and Dickie V starts yelling. Now, first of all, why is it OK for a color guy to be yelling at all? It isn’t. That’s the answer. It’s not OK. But so anyway, what he yelled, upon further reflection, was a series of, I’m pretty sure, six - one two three four five six - bullshit phrases and terms that he made up. Dipsy doo dunkeroo, high riser, the elevator man, up up and away, the dazzler, super scintillating sensational, I’M THE IGNORAMUS MAN, BABY! He’s fucking shouting nonsense. That’s what he does. That’s what he’s famous for - bellowing claptrap while one tries to watch a game. Of his dozens and dozens of forcibly noteworthy catchphrases, I’d argue that none is more frequently thrashed - and we’re talking in the case of any of them about Daniel Plainview bowling alley-level flogging - than “OHHHHHHHHHH! OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Good work, Dick. I’ll never be able to experience watching a sporting event with a pre-verbal proto-man, but thanks to you, I know. It would make me angry.
Then after things cool down a bit, he gets some facts wrong about some of the players, and then says, well, I’m not an expert. Oh, really? You’re not a fucking expert? Why are you talking so much, then, cartoon man? Why are you talking (shouting) at all? He’s not kidding, either - he’s not an expert. He doesn’t even talk about the sport of basketball. He just talks about personalities and OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH BABY I JUST PULLED MY FINGER OFF! I GOT YOUR NOSE, BABY, I GOT YOUR NOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!
They also have little video clips of various NBA players impersonating Vitale. They also also have sideline interviews of NBA players being asked what they think about Dick Vitale. It’s a fucking circus.
Then there’s the “Bottom Line.” It used to be really nice - one could always count on being able to find out the scores to games one was interested in if he waited for just a few minutes. Now it’s just a tiny microcosmic ring of the big circus. They put the same news stories they’re overreporting in miniature on the bottom of the screen, including like 100 word quotes from anonymous sources about nothing, and including BREAKING NEWS!!! BREAKING NEWS!!! BILL COWHER NOT EXPECTED TO BE NEXT HEAD COACH OF JETS. Oh, thanks for that newsflash. IT WAS THE SAME AS NOTHING.
Now Stuart Scott’s on the TV. I don’t even have anything to say about that. It made me forget whatever else I was mad about.
Bastards.
Oh yeah, that’s right - fucking Rick Reilly keeps showing up on the front page at ESPN.com, which why do I ever go there anymore? His most recent column, surprisingly, is not about some stupid person or some stupid team who did the sportsmanlike thing by not wearing cleats against the team with all the poor kids, or who don’t play for money, they play for the love of the game, unlike these fucking bastard professionals who are the reason I make so much money for saying stupid shit. I guess since it’s 2009 he was due for another one. No, this one’s about how Utah is – without QUESTION – this year’s college football national champion. That’s pretty stupid, is all I’m saying. Rick Reilly sucks.
