a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a twinkie. Darren was Kennedy Jr.'s biggest pot dealer but far from its brightest student. The new owner of 77R, JoLou Beaverface cashed in 77R for game tokens at the local game room and pizza parlor. 77R, in turn, was given in change to Eloise Sharp who had stopped by to order 24 extra large pepperoni pizzas to take home for supper that night. Owen, spotting 77R, told his mom that was the same twenty she had given him last week. Amused at this, Eloise gave 77R back to Owen who gave it to Darren again the next day in exchange for a bag of pot. Darren, again, not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, laid 77R down on the picnic table that doubled as his office and it was carried off by a sudden gust of wind and landed…
on 23rd Street next to the curb. There, it was spotted by Matt Slout who just happened to walking down the street to 7-11 where he was planning to loiter for an hour and maybe buy some Necco Wafers. Matt quickly snatched 77R out of the gutter. Recognizing that this was likely a one-time event with life-changing possibilities, he suddenly decided to cancel his trip to 7-11 and instead go to…
the DewDrop Inn for happy hour where draft beer is half price and includes a complimentary buffet of pickled eggs and buffalo wings. Matt spent 77R on five pitchers of draft beer while munching away on the buffet. 77R once again ended up in the DewDrop’s till where it stayed until…
…picked up by Brenda Sharp, Owen’s eldest sister, Brenda, who knew about 77R’s presence in the possession of her mother and two of her brothers. She wanted to taunt Owen about this, but he was gettting a stern lecture from his parents about possessing marijuana. The parents disposed of the pot in the trash compactor; the butler duly carried the sealed bag of trash (laden with cutup cans and bottle shards) out to the trash the following morning, and off it went, with the compacted weed inside.
Brenda, meanwhile, was enjoying an espresso at the local Starbucks with her sister-in-law Joanie (Andrew’s wife)…
…and pretended to be interested in hearing about Joanie’s upcoming overseas business trip before pulling out 77R. “Here’s that $20 I owe you for getting that book for me,” Brenda said, referring to the hardcover edition of the Jane Austen-Bram Stoker mashup, Emma and the Vampire Horde, that Joanie had picked up for her the week before.
“Oh, no problem,” said Joanie, “I hope you like it.”
“Haven’t cracked the cover yet,” Brenda admitted. “I’ve just been too fucking busy.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” Joanie said, nodding sympathetically. She took the money with a word of thanks, and they talked about nothing in particular for another fifteen minutes before air-kissing and going their separate ways.
Joanie, an international business consultant with First Commonwealth Bank, flew to Beijing three days later, First Class all the way. Dollars were always welcome on Oceanic Airlines, and Joanie used 77R to buy two glasses of chardonnay on the long flight west. The flight attendant, Miles Gunderson, left 77R in the change drawer of the Boeing’s aft galley. By happenstance, it remained there as the plane continued on to Ulan Bator, Tokyo, Anchorage and Chicago, where it was taken off, tallied and logged by an Oceanic bookkeeper, Sylvia Dodd.
Sylvia had a problem which she felt she could tell no one…
she was obsessed with raggedy twenty dollar bills, so 77R was taken by her. She had intended to put it under her mattress with the rest of the raggedy twenty dollar bills she had collected over the years. However, she had an overwhelming urge for a Whopper, so she handed over 77R at her favorite Burger King, as it was the only money she had on her at the time. Sylvia’s obsession for raggedy twenty dollar bills was surpassed only for her passion for Whoppers. Thus 77R entered the cash register of burger jockey Jack Headbanger who…
…being over 21, ordered a Harvey Wallbanger at his favorite bar near the Loop. He paid for the drink with 77R, which didn’t stay in the till very long; it was picked up, surprisingly, by George Galloway, en route back to California. He cashed a large check at the bar, showing proper ID. Before he headed for O’Hare Airport, however, he went to…
the Chicago souvenir kiosk at O’Hare to buy his wife a porcelin set of salt and pepper shakers shaped like the Sear’s Tower. He paid for his souvenir with 77R and ran to catch his plane. 77R remained in the till at the kiosk until picked up by a Brink’s truck and taken to…
…the local Chase Bank, where it remained for a few days.
A bank employee named Murgatroyd Fafoofnik picked it up, replacing it in the till with two tenners. fafoofnik promptly lost it on a city bus; it was retrieved by…
Sean Dugan who could not believe his good fortune. It almost made him glad that he had to take the bus to work while his car was in the shop.
Sean stuffed 77R in his wallet and looked at the time on his watch. He had to be at the office in less than ten minutes and there were still eight stops left. There was no way he’d get to work in time if he stayed on the bus.
Frustrated at the bus’ slow progress, Sean got off at the next stop with the expectation there’d be a taxi along soon to quickly take him to his office. Since he now had an extra $20 he could certainly afford to do this (at least he could today). Sure enough, a cab immediately came by and Sean flagged it down. “Take me to the Smurfit-Stone Building,” he told told the driver as he got in. “There’s an extra $20 for you if you hurry.”
Motivated by Sean’s incentive, the cab driver sped off down the street weaving through traffic with the dexterity of an Indianapolis 500 driver. Early on, they passed the bus which was stopped at the side of the road taking in what seemed like several dozen passengers. Sean, who had been feeling a bit uneasy about Mr. Cabbie’s wild ride, was now relieved he got off the bus when he did.
After running two red lights and deftly avoiding three collisions, the cab came to a stop in front of the Smurfit-Stone Building. Sean looked at his watch and saw he was three minutes early. He paid the cabbie the sum that was on the meter, a 15% tip, and, as promised, the extra $20 (i.e., 77R) for prompt delivery to his workplace. The cabbie then …
returned to the cab company as his shift was ending. Since he had the extra twenty, he decided to treat a couple of his cabby buddies to a beer. What? When you work the night shift, 9:00 am is happy hour. They went over to the tavern across the street from the cab company and ordered a pitcher of beer and some pickled eggs. The cab driver paid for the beer and eggs with 77R and left a nice tip for the waitress besides. 77R went into the bar’s till where it remained until…
…Sally Mears, late of the Contralto Quartet, a foursome of big-bosomed alto voice singers, cashed a check for $40 and got 77R as one of the two twenties.
Sally, nearly six feet tall and with a bust of such ample size that she could not see her legs when she stood up, had limited herself to one beer at the bar. Then she went home and decided to order a pizza. While on the phone she heard the dispatcher’s voice addressing a kid named “Kenny,” one of the delivery people. She decided to wear an outfit in which she could meet Kenny at the door when he brought the pizza, an outfit which she knew would accentuate her figure–a lacy peasant blouse (not really big enough for her) and a pair of accend ski pants, just tight enough. Young Kenny had had the hots for Sally since the first time he saw her.
In later years Kenny wasn’t quite sure if he’d been lucky that night or not. His hour of passion with Sally was certainly memorable, and the fact that it had seemed like a scene from some bad porn flick - pizza guy seduced by buxom temptress! - had made it particularly exciting, but he’d been so caught up in the moment that he forget to call in and missed his next three scheduled deliveries. When he got back to Pizza Planet, his manager fired him on the spot, but not before collecting the night’s receipts, including 77R. Kenny couldn’t find another job for almost a month and had a rough time of it, but at least he could always look back on his memories of the statuesque Sally, and smile.
77R was placed with the other twenties from that night in the pizzeria’s strongbox. At the end of the week, it was deposited in the Chamberlain Street branch of Citibank. From there…
it mades its way into a teller’s cash drawer. Struban Turnbuckle, an aspiring Broadway actor and hot dog cart vendor, received 77R in some change he was getting before starting another exciting day of selling hot dogs from a cart. At two pm that afternoon, Valdeena Plotzguber bought three hot dogs from Struban and paid with a fifty, getting 77R back as part of her change. After eating two of the hot dogs and feeding the other to her chihuahua Bruiser, she went across the street to The Dress Barn to find her an outfit for the cocktail party she was to attend that next evening. She had absently stuffed her change inside her oversized purse which contained, among other things, Bruiser. Bruiser found 77R and was busily sniffing it when Valdeena sat her purse down causing Bruiser and 77R to spill out because she sat it down a little too hard. Bruiser, with 77R in his mouth took off out the open front door of The Dress Barn. Valdeena was frantic about her little darling being on the loose, so she took off after Bruiser calling after him, which he ignored as he ran down the street and into…
Father Patrick O"Hanlon, the local parish priest. The priest scooped Bruiser up into his arms just as Valdeena rounded the corner. The priest handed Bruiser back to Val, and gave her a high-pressure speech convincing her to let him keep 77R, which he earmarked for donation to an orphanage his church sponsored. 77R found its way into the petty-cash drawer in the orphanage office, and…
remained there only briefly before it was given to Clarence “C-Man” Rogers, a homeless person who came into the orphanage office looking for a little money to buy some food (or so he said). Father Patrick’s soft-hearted secretary Colleen Doyle gave him 77R, suspecting he would instead use it for drugs or Demon Rum, but willing to take a chance on the sad-eyed derelict.
Clarence thanked her profusely, took 77R and promptly…
placed a twenty dollar bet on a long shot at the horse races. He won big, collecting fifty grand which he figured would keep him in booze for at least the next six months. Clarence was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig drinker! 77R made its way into the vault at the race track where it stayed until it was taken…
…by a strange little man who gained entry to the room by posing as an assistant to a wastebasket repairman. He blew the safe. (He was kinky.) He got 77R and was one jump ahead of the police when, unarmed, he went into a nearby hardware store to buy a skyhook. The proprietor…
one Rorschach Inkblot, took one look at the strange little man and recognized him as the bum who borrowed twenty bucks from him five years ago and never paid it back. He accosted the strange little man and demanded his money. The strange little man, taken aback and on the lam from the cops, hastily handed over 77R and fled the hardware store without his skyhook. Rorschach stuffed 77R in his pants pockets thinking to himself how happy the wife will be when he informs her he has an extra twenty bucks and tells her he’s taking her to dinner at her favorite…
I got nothing to add except praise for you guys.
How the hell you come up with some of these characters names is beyond me…I mean “Struban Turnbuckle”
That made me laugh.
Carry on