The Wart That Ate Chicago

tiny_ham · February 10, 2003, 3:27pm

Yes I know. YAP YAP YAP… We are on the verge of war, of nuclear annihilation, of starvation and horror and going beyond thunderdome. We are quickly headed to our own WaterWorld…

<b>but none of that matters to me.</b>

because I have got a fucking wart on my thumb that has been there since the god damn Holy Day of CHRISTMAS and is resisting all fucking forms of treatment and soon it will take over my body, leaving me crusty, stinky, unloved, unsexed and so terribly alone.

I have filed it with coarse grit files, poured that friggin acid crap on it, put duct tape on it, dug at it with sharp objects until I was screaming and covered in blood, bought the little medicated pads for it, prayed over it, yelled at it, chewed on it, shook my fist at it, washed it with hot water and a brush.

I went to get a manicure and it was like a short, twenty minute course in massive woman on woman humiliation…with the petite, smiley, not a day over twenty, friendly Korean gal with her gorgeous toothy smile and shiny black hair talking up a storm, then grabbing my thumb and actually going “OH…” and looking around for the HazMat unit.

This thing is like fucking Zsa Zsa! It has no reason to live and it just won’t die. FUCKING THING.

<b>Next stop:</b> running over it with a car several times OR just cutting my thumb off all together. Don’t push me. I WILL DO IT.

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. Stupid fucking wart. I hate thee.

tiny_ham · February 10, 2003, 3:29pm

FUCKING CODING. GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?

:: runs from room screaming::

lieu · February 10, 2003, 3:35pm

Look at what a tongue stud does for felatio.

lieu · February 10, 2003, 3:40pm

Have you tried Compound W? I’ve admittedly only had one wart in my life but that stuff cleared it right up.

BTW… duct tape?

Tuckerfan · February 10, 2003, 3:41pm

Two words: duct tape! Seriously, they did a study which found that duct tape worked better at getting rid of warts than anything other than surgery. Just cover the wart with duct tape for a few days and it’ll be gone! Worked for the one I had on my foot that kept coming back.

tiny_ham · February 10, 2003, 3:47pm

I have put duct tape on it for days at a time on and off for about two months. It gets rid of it for about two days and then grows right back.

And yes, I used the acid as well, lieu. I’m TRYING TO TELL YOU THE FUCKER WILL NOT DIE

minty_green · February 10, 2003, 4:13pm

So call a dermatologist, who will happily freeze or burn it off for a reasonable fee. Problem solved.

Rube_E.Tewesday · February 10, 2003, 4:56pm

What minty green said. However…I had one my thumb for years that sneered at all over-the-counter remedies, and always grew back after being frozen by doctors. Finally, I encountered a doctor who was prepared to burn, not freeze, and now the sucker seems dead. There’s a tiny scar, but I can live with it better than the monster wart.

Buck_The_Diver · February 10, 2003, 5:18pm

Liquid Nitrogen

Hauky · February 10, 2003, 5:33pm

Yeah, I had a planter’s wart (I don’t think that’s how you spell it, but it’s the bottom-of-the-foot kind) that I had frozen at the doctor’s office. I did a couple weeks of the acid patches just to make sure, and poof, no more wart.

tiny_ham · February 10, 2003, 5:35pm

does the ‘burning’ portion of your statement hurt?

Lynn_Bodoni · February 10, 2003, 5:57pm

I’ve had laser treatments for minor skin flaws (I believe they’re called hyperplasmic nodules). It DOES hurt a bit, more like a sting than anything else. And once the laser is no longer burning, the pain stops. I’ve had warts and nodules removed by freezing and by laser. I’ll take the laser, if I’ve got a choice. I think that the tiny wounds heal up quicker and cleaner, too. The doc (or whoever) can focus the laser on JUST the wart (or whatever), whereas with liquid nitrogen, the doc doesn’t have quite as much fine control over the damage to the skin.

Personally, I try to gently slice out the little splinters of the wart, THEN clean it well, then put on the acid. However, I’ve got a very steady hand, and most people don’t have my fine motor control.
I cannot get the ones on my back, though, which is why I can tell about my experiences with lasers.

Rube_E.Tewesday · February 10, 2003, 6:00pm

jarbabyj , it hurt a bit, and smelled worse (doctor commented: Once you’ve smelled burning flesh, you never forget it), but no big. Worth it to get rid of the wart, in my opinion, but like I said, I’d had it off and on for years, and was thoroughly sick of it.

Eonwe · February 10, 2003, 6:00pm

Sounds like you should keep the wart.

cichlidiot · February 10, 2003, 6:04pm

I agree that liquid nitrogen can do the trick, but my experience was very painful. I had a wart right at the nail bed and the doctor told me this was a stubborn area to treat for warts. He didn’t mention it until after he had already started the treatment, saying I would probably have to come back. The pain was so intense, it felt like a burning drill press being raised and lowered onto my nail bed. I quit talking and started holding my breath about then. After a few minutes, he asked me if I’d like to stop now, since that would probably do the trick. I felt he must be kidding. I asked him to keep going until he was as sure as he could be the sucker wasn’t going to come back.

The blister afterward was no picnic and it still felt like there was a drill press being applied to the area, though intermittently. The only positive thing from the experience is that the wart did not come back. If I had to do the whole thing over again, I’d opt for the anaesthetic and the burning.

tiny_ham · February 10, 2003, 6:10pm

Son of a…that’s exactly where mine is.

Lamia · February 10, 2003, 6:44pm

You really should not be digging at it with sharp objects yourself. That’s dangerous and could lead to infection. See a doctor and have it cut or burned off.

Warning – if you have it cut off don’t pick at it later! I had two warts cut off as a kid and couldn’t keep from picking at the scabs, and have been stuck with the scars for the past 15 years or so. If I could go back in time, I’d give myself a good smack upside the head.

False_God · February 10, 2003, 8:46pm

In 1997, I had twelve warts removed from my hands. Some were growing in the bends of my fingers, making it hard to use my hands. At the time, I was a part-time massage therapist and was on my University’s fencing team, so I had to get them removed.
I got it done over Xmas break, and the whole experience wasn’t that bad. I had them curetted off, then the doctor used an electrocautery to seal up the wounds. The Novocaine hurt worse than the actual curettage, which was just a pulling sensation. The electrocautery burns the flesh with a little spark, which makes a smell like burning chicken feathers. Or bacon.

I woke up that night because my hands were throbbing, and I had to wear gloves for three weeks to protect the sites, but they healed and I haven’t had any recurrences. The scars (only one or two scarred) are barely noticeable.
The dermatologist did say, however, that I’d made one or two worse by trimming them down with nail clippers, so don’t fool with them. If the acid doesn’t work, get thee to a dermatologist.

tiny_ham · February 10, 2003, 8:49pm

shit. I just trimmed them down with nail clippers. I guess I’ll have to break down and call. It’s sort of embarrassing.

teela_brown · February 10, 2003, 8:49pm

chichlidiot posted:

Judas Priest in a pram! Why don’t they numb it first with a local anaesthetic?