The World is Your Douchecanoe (First Pit, Mostly Lame and Whiny)

The BBQ Pit
1

I should be writing my graduate thesis so I can be done with school in six weeks, but that seems lame and boring compared to my real favorite activity: Complaining!

Preface: I have an extremely common last name and a first name that was incredibly common in a previous generation. This is the key part of my anger: there is ONLY ONE SPELLING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD FOR MY FIRST NAME. Not because I dreamed it to be so as a special magical rainbow and deem that my spelling is the only precious snowflake spelling; no- there are literally no other spellings. (By the way that should also tell you it’s not a common name for people to have these days since board-to-death parents haven’t fucked with it and reversed all the vowels and switched the syllables.)

Logically, I also have an email address arranged commonlastnamecommonfirstnameatemailserver. So, what that means is that about once a month I get a misdirected email that is meant for someone else.

Typical Scenario:

From: Confused Citizen/Mistaken Emailer
To: commonlastnamecommonfristnameatemailserver

Can you send me those TPS reports we discussed last week? Lol

Typical Response:

Just fyi, I am not the person you are trying to reach- please double check the email address you are using. (this part not actually included)IN MY MIND: WHAT THE FUCK-LOL AT THE END OF ANYTHING MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCK INFESTED DOUCHEBAG OF STUPIDITY. IF YOU WERE SOMEONE I KNEW IN REAL LIFE I WOULD SO, LIKE JUDGE YOU 100X MORE.

Typical Response back from Confused Citizen/Mistaken Emailer:

(1) Nothing! (Victorious win for me!)
(2) An apology (totally fine as well!)

Since most of the people with my name are old, about half of the people who email me are old as well and clearly not quite comfortable with email. I’ve gotten a bunch of random emails about people being moved to nursing homes, ect. So, I do go out of my way to be clearer with the older folks when I respond.

However, this all changed today, when I got an email from a douche cadet of unimaginable caliber. Capi-tan of the Douchekateers. The Glorious Leader of North Douchetopia. You get the picture.

Today’s Scenario:

*Firstnamemisspelled,

I don’t see a problem here but could you have Joe take a look at this inspection report on Jeff’s new home.

Attachment: 40 page home inspection with information on fees paid, a whole bunch of contact information for all parties involved, and 30 pages of a detailed photo by photo list of flaws in the house*

Now, not something that’s like, sending someone’s passport, but it’s definitely enough information for me to steal their identify if I were so inclined or at least seriously fuck with them. Also if that sale doesn’t go through- not good news. So basically information that you definitely wouldn’t want to just spread about the internet rather randomly. However, I do note my misspelled first name, which I had just had a lengthy conversation with my good friend about how this commonly happens (and she- whose first name is extremely common and impossible to misspell laughed in my face).

So, I responded to Capi-tan, removed the attachment and bcc’d my friend so she could see that the misspelling is totally common:

Response:

*Hi,

You sent this to the wrong email address (I am not the lastnamefirstname you are trying to contact). Also, myfirstname is spelled with two “Is.”
Thanks,

Myfirstnamewithsecondibolded*

Yes, a slightly dick move, but I figured he was in a business relationship with this person, so it might be nice if he spelled their name correctly. Right? WRONG!!!

Response I get an hour later:

Doesn’t matter. Email address is correct or you would not have gotten it. Please let Joe review and let me know what he thinks.

WHAAAATTTTTT? Like, what the fucking fuck? Email address is correct… or you would not have gotten it… There… are… no… words…

I stared at my computer screen for several moments as though it were a portal- a portal into a level of ignorance and incomprehension I had only achieved when trying to explain something practical to Business School Graduate Students. I mean clearly, this person has some idea of how email works or wouldn’t be able to attach an attachment or be in possession of an electronic document or log onto the internet, right? ALSO, you have to FUCKING SPELL CORRECTLY to send me the email. Not only that, the CORRECT SPELLING shows up in the header!! Also, what doesn’t matter? The spelling issue or the wrong email address? I don’t know because his email is fucking incomprehensible and still being sent to the wrong fucking address. I hate everyone.

Yes, I realize somewhere I misspelled something because I’m bitching about spelling. Here’s the thing: ZERO FUCKS GIVEN. I hate spelling even more.

2

Holy figs! What an incredibly stupid response! (Theirs, not yours!) Unutterably stupid!

There’s an old James Thurber cartoon, where someone says on the phone, “Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?” Your correspondent has brought that absurd cartoon to life!

A number of responses suggest themselves… Review the file, and find lots of errors in it. “Joe says this is a real piece of work! Fix this, and this, and this, and remove this whole section, and change all of these bits, and… And, while you’re at it, learn to spell, you jackass!”

But, I guess, in reality (especially given that he has your email address and could spam you to death if he really went buggy) you should probably try pure, sweet reason.

But… wow!

3

Lol

4

damn you

5

I keep getting things for a guy in Singapore about multi-million dollar shipping deals. I am the dick in this case because I just read them with curiosity and delete them. Recently his mail has been about feng shui seminars so I think he must be getting desperate, perhaps because he keeps failing to buy the right container ships.

But the response you just got is actually mindblowing. I’m thinking must be from a company director of some kind. :wink:

6

Ok, another important thing to note is this guy has an incredibly unusual but hilariously bawdy last name: It’s basically along the lines of having the last name Cocksington.
I did write a response in the last few minutes which went like:

First, let me repeat, I am not the firstnamelastname you are trying to contact. Second, it does matter to spell things correctly. You have the incorrect email address and you’ve disclosed some personal information about the home assessment information, so I am trying to inform that you made a mistake and that you have the incorrect email address for the person you are trying to contact (who again is not me).

Hopefully he will get the picture

7

Send it to some random guy named Joe. And be sure to apprise the emailer that you’ve sent it on to Joe Random as directed. Clearly it doesn’t matter which Joe gets it, as long as A Joe gets it.

ETA: Aww, now you’ve gone and ruined it by doing something reasonable.

8

Should have used more snark. Looking forward to his reply.

9

So your first name is Amii? I was originally thinking Amy, Ami, Aimee, Amee, Aimi (I guess this would work as well), but then you threw that whole ‘two “Is”’ wrench into the works, so I’m guessing Amii.

:slight_smile:

10

Be glad you’re not thisasshole.

11

Jesus, that guy is a fucking lunatic.

12

Davide Irete on the other hand, is awesome.

Says former SCDA board member David Irete, “He was becoming a nuisance and pain in the ass and breaking the rules. He was threatening us, so we had to kick him out. He was being a cocksucker, and you can quote me on that, please.”

13

Sociopath + legal system = nightmare.

Makes you realise how civilised normal people are, in that they could do legal but aggravating stuff, but choose not to.

14

Reminds me of the 65 million dollar pants.

15

You laugh, but she could be Amii Stewart…

Okay, probably not. But the possibility is amusing.

16

It shouldn’t be too difficult to find this guy’s boss’s address and forward it to him/her.

17

That’s both passive-aggressive dick move and utterly brilliant. Because Amasia can’t get through the idiot’s thick skull, and because a normal, altruistic human being would actually want to Do The Right Thing to help the home inspection get to the right person, it’s actually quite proper to escalate the problem to a superior. Which of course will get the douche into trouble as a byproduct. If he comes back again acting the tool, I totally think you should do this.

18

Actually the email addresses of all relevant parties were in the document he forwarded me. My initial response included copying them, but I decided not to. I think it is a family owned business and if anyone in the family isn’t aware of his bad spelling/everything else by now, then perhaps ignorance is bliss.

19

Or the client whose personal information was revealed.

20

It’s *possible *that he misread your first reply, thinking that you were the intended recipient but were simply bitching about him misspelling your name. To which he responded, “Yeah, but you got the e-mail, so chill.”

If he still doesn’t get the picture after your second reply, though, I suggest you screw with him mercilessly in the manner Trinopus illustrated.