The worst part of getting old

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My opinion only here. It’s not the aches and pains, the diminished physical and mental faculties. It’s the other people who are dying off. One of my husband’s few remaining friends has bone cancer and, because of the unbearable pain, has opted to go out in a cloud of morphine. My best friend from work, who now lives on what was her grandmother’s farm in Missouri, has Bulbar ALS, and can’t speak, can barely eat or drink, and refuses to go on a feeding tube. There is nothing to do about it, nothing to say about it, and no way to feel about it except lousy.

Sorry for the downer post. I’ll be all right. To all of you who have these things going on in your own lives, I am one with you tonight.

2

I’ll be holding you and your friends in the light.

3

A very difficult, but IMO ultimately wise decision for the unfortunate person trapped in these awful circumstances.

As to the rest of your post, yeah. As BBBoo says in effect. Hugs to you and yours and all our afflicted friends and acquaintances. As the saying goes: “Life sucks and then you die.” Lotta that sucky is concentrated at the end.

Would that it were not so.

4

I agree, that is the worst part is when your friends and family start to die off. I’m sorry you and your husband are going through this. We’ve lost some people in the last few years and it truly sucks.

I wish my good thoughts could lighten your load.

5

Well, isn’t this a morbid thread. I’ll contribute to it anyway. Back in my college days, I met a guy who happened to be a friend of a friend and who subsequently became a lifelong best friend. I was best man at his wedding and he was at mine (and after all these years, I can’t even remember which came first!). There were periods when we hadn’t seen each other in years because eventually we lived some distance away, but when we got together again, it was like it was yesterday – just pure warm familiarity. The very definition of a best friend.

He was almost exactly my age. A few years ago, he was diagnosed with a form of brain cancer and died very quickly afterwards, before I could even visit him. Maybe my failure to see him in his final days was for the best, at least from my selfish POV, because the last memory I have of him is of happier times – downing expensive booze (that he had bought) in my living room, watching movies and telling jokes.

Life sucks, but death sucks even more. I dearly miss my best friend. It’s so rare to form such a perfect connection, even though we were so different in so many ways.

6

I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment in the OP. As Johnny Cash put it so beautifully in his cover of Hurt:
Everyone I know goes away
In the end

7

I completely understand.

I’m 71 and am being treated for oedema (swollen legs.) I also recently had a colonoscopy (which happily proved negative.)
Sadly a good friend Sue (a lovely mother of 3) recently passed - she was only 52.
And next month I’m visiting my best friend Bob to comfort him on the anniversary of his partner’s death.

Nevertheless this should not be a morbid thread!
It is to be expected that as we grow old, we will lose friends and family.
We should celebrate their lives and remember how lucky we were to have had time together.
Remember the good things that happened, the amusing moments and the love we shared.

Here’s some examples of what I mean:

  • I remember when Sue invited me over for a delicious Xmas dinner (when I would have been alone that year)
  • I remember when Bob and I co-captained our chess team to the League Championship
  • I remember the kindly bedside manner of the medical team when I had my procedures

I do hope this helps (and there’s a thread right here on the Dope with happy videos as well.)

8

The most difficult aspect of growing old is the certainty that nothing will get better. In earlier years there was always the prospect that you would get better again, that things would improve. This prospect disappears in old age, nothing gets better. You have passed the peak of your own existence, all further development leads to the end. The worst thing for me is the fear of losing my mental faculties, the fear of losing my spirit, my mind, my judgment, my personality. Physical infirmities are bad and often associated with enormous pain. The loss of my mental faculties seems cruel to me and I fear nothing more than that.

There is a residential community for people with dementia in our house and we can often hear them screaming through the night in their mental derangement. During the day I see them on walks with the nursing staff, I see their empty eyes, their hollow faces and I am filled with horror. I sincerely hope that I will be spared this fate.

9

Yep, you just can’t get new old friends and that sucks big time. Being the last one standing is not a win, its a curse.

What makes even sadder is that thanks to the internet I can look up everyone I have ever known my whole life. Girls I dated when I was very young are now dead. That is sad. :frowning:

10

Good topic.
I’m 77 - medium good health - enough at least to continue motorcycling which does indeed trim 20 years off the age I feel.
Partner fortunately encourages my riding as she sees the positives.
I live now in wet tropical Australia where in theory can ride all year but hot and wet …100F and daily showers cuts a chunk out. Big change for Canuck born.

You mentioned the departed.
Grew up with a couple of smart assed nerds from kindergarden …both went on to astrophysics and we lost touch…but they were there in my mindset. Classmates forever moving through life.
Had been trying to get in touch with Gary my first cousin on and off. He was a social class above me, education, mum a teacher, dad an architect and he did well in life.
Stumbled on his obituary last year …snip went that life thread.

Of course prompted me to check on John - the other physics hot shot..nuclear engineer etc - his mum was the librarian in our small town …big influence on me letting me read anything…and I did - 5-6 books a week from the adult section. Served me well as English major and in business as communicator ( aka salesman with my own company.)
Johns gone too :roll_eyes:…both within a year …both my age. Mortality knocking.

Fortunately my best friend from uni is still around - a world away but in daily casual chitchat. A thin lifeline

Joie de vie harder to come by as I age. All sorts of medical issues - non life threatening but stressful, hearing aids, prostate, faint cataracts affecting my night vision, 30 year old bridges giving out - two at once making me eat like a chipmunk, then unexplained tachycardia …no pain, can’t ever feel anything …just my heartbeat going stupid high for 10 min..now that’s gotta looked at. In for catheter check tomorrow…could use a break :scream:

Lack of affection …partner of 20 years sort of lost interest a decade back and had said up front she was not “romantic”. We’ve had good years travelling around the world together so lots of memories tho lost our big screen 5k 27" iMac recently and miss seeing the random photos of those trips.
Especially miss seeing photos of my son who died from cancer at 32 in 2023. :cry:
We were constant riders together, cross Canada together -I’m so glad we had that and I have thousands of photos.
You can’t live in the past but the positive memories help.

Because I’m an expat Canadian I have no social circle here in Australia- dependent on partner and step dottor and with my hearing deficiency and difficulty with the accents I can end up isolated in the midst of a evening out if it is more than another couple. At the same time I enjoy our younger friends - bit of vicarious living.

I know speaking to my uni friend his joy is in grandkids…none of those for me and for reasons unknown slightly distant from my daughter in Canada who I think is struggling but doesn’t share.
I only get glimpses via FaceBook tho we are not estranged. So I know his grandkids provide that effortless physical affection which us beach apes need.
Not going to push partner as she has her own health issues tho she’s more fit and active …loves her gardening as my dad did.

Now dad and mum made 95 - dad vibrant and alert still driving …mum a happy vegetable deep in dementia…so the genes are there…I’d be happy to emulate my dad…walked to ambulance - gone in two days.

Still I look at 20 more years and not sure :face_with_raised_eyebrow:
I’ve always tended to be a loner …off on the motorcycle for 60 years..a solitary sport.

I still enjoy being immersed in media, films tv series books galore including audio books and my photography.

Straight Dope is a new found treat.
My uni friend says have new adventures …this is one.
:kangaroo:

11

Indeed. I’m 76 and, fingers crossed, still in reasonably good health.

But one of my best friends who I played with in a band for a long time died of cancer a couple of years ago. Another good university friend, one of the brightest fellows I ever knew, is sinking into dementia. His wife, also a good friend, says it is heartbreaking to watch his lively mind fade away.

On the plus side, I recently reconnected with another old university musician friend, and we have knocked together a collaborative album of original songs over the last few months; working on the next one as we speak. Trying to stay creative…

12

My wife and I are both 64. We where going to work to 67 or so. But I just can’t do it any more. Learning the new stuff and keeping track of the old stuff is too much. And it’s not really fair to the rest of a very good crew. I’ve turned into a glass ceiling.

Also, the altitude and snow has finally won. I’m done with it. We are supposed to get a foot of snow tomorrow, April 1st. And I now have an oxygen generator. I get headaches.

Enough. We are moving to a lower elevation. 5000’. House is all but bought. We close April 9th.

13

For some reason, mortality is weighing heavily on me of late. I’m not sure why. I see my docs regularly (cardiologist just told me my heart is doing great) and for the most part, I feel pretty good, tho I do tire more easily.

But my tier is next. My dad and my inlaws are all gone. My mom is 91, and while she’s doing OK, I know she won’t be around much longer. Of that generation, there are a few cousins left who were younger than my mom, and on the inlaw side, one aunt and uncle, both of whom are in not-so-great health. So that leaves my generation.

I have cousins who are 81 (I’m 71) going down to age 55 or 56 (?) It’s weird to think that we’re the family elders now.

I look at my grandkids (ages 7 and 3) and I wonder how much of their lives will I see. I was just thinking that I should write them each a letter so they have something after I’m gone. My husband just got a worrying referral, leading me to wonder if my future includes being his nurse. We had such retirement plans 40 years ago and so few of them will be realized.

I try not to dwell on these things - that’s life after all. But in the last 2 years both of my husband’s parents and one of his brothers have died, as well as our dog and one of our cats and our daughter’s dog. That’s a lot in a very short time.

Mortality…

14

My FIL recently died after about a five year skid into the dementia pit. If he had known his fate at the start of all that, he’d have been horrified, and probably would have done himself in before it took full command and control.

Both my parents are gone relatively young and their bodies gave out before their minds did. I am still parsing out which way is better.

Amyway, I think this is a phase we all must go thru, first the elders in you family, then friends of your generation. I still believe in strengthenjng connections even tho it hurts when it ends, because life is better that way compared to being alone.

15

Birthdays used to be occasions to celebrate, but with each passing year this is less and less the case. The older I get, the more I try to make friends with death, not to see it as an enemy, but as a release, a liberation from this life. My life has been good and pleasant so far, no serious strokes of fate, and my health is also more or less good. I see my last years as the end of a long journey, the way you feel in the last weeks or days of your stay, you say goodbye peacefully and calmly, reconcile yourself to this existence that you will soon have left behind and look forward to the unknown that lies ahead.

16

The Mrs and I are both 67, and we’re both experiencing more problems with new, significant medical diagnoses, including significant osteoarthritis limiting some of our favorite activities. We are both ageing faster than average. We joke that we’re both experiencing ‘early onset rigor mortis’ but it is rather depressing at times. Neither of us can take NSAIDs, and acetaminophen doesn’t do squat for our most painful symptoms.

But we’re together, and some of our dysfunctions are complementary; what she can’t do so well I can still manage ok, and vice versa. So we’re grateful for that.

Us in 1973 and in 2023

17

My mom is 84. In February she became sick and we ended up bringing her to the ER. They diagnosed her with a UTI. I didn’t know it until this happened but UTIs are severe and cause many complications for the elderly. My mom was living by herself at home and using a walker (she has bad arthritis in her knees). She was still cooking and doing most things for herself. After the ER visit she was admitted to the hospital. When I went to see her, she looked like death barely warmed over. She wasn’t eating, she was sleeping all the time and she acted like she had dementia. She was at the hospital for about 3 weeks and then was transferred to a rehab facility. She’s now been there a month. She still has mobility issues. She can’t use a walker anymore and has to use a wheelchair. She can’t transfer herself from wheelchair to bed or toilet. Her mind has come back, thankfully. She plays Scrabble with us when we visit and does crossword puzzles. But our hopes of her going back home will not happen. She will have to go to an assisted living facility. My sister and I had to tell her this news last Thursday. She seemed a little sad but it wasn’t too bad. But then she asked my sister yesterday - “you mean I’ll never see my house again?” In less than a year, we’ve had to tell her that her daughter died from suicide and that she will never see her home again. Heartbreaking. :broken_heart:

18

I wasn’t really close to my parents, but I was glad for their sakes that their minds kept up with them right until the end – 78 for my mother, who had Type 1 Diabetes for nearly 50 years, and 87 for my father.

Thanks for the photos, they are very sweet. I am perhaps feeling most deeply for my friend’s husband. I’m not sure how old they were when they met, maybe fifty-ish, and they were perfect for each other, after years for each of them being on their own. They got married, completely coincidentally, on my birthday, so I don’t have any problem remembering their anniversary. They’re out there in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in or near the Ozarks in Missouri, and he has to live through every day watching her deteriorate physically, and with nothing to look forward to but being alone out there, and soon. I don’t know him well at all, he was a long distance trucker when they met, and then they moved away. He has plenty of old friends, I think, but no-one close by to be with. I feel helpless.

19

" :musical_note: The worst part of getting old
is obits in your feed" :musical_notes:

20

If it’s any comfort, you feel the way you do because you are a compassionate and loving human being. Your husband, family, and friends are fortunate to have you in their lives! :heartbeat: