I wrote this as a gift to a friend of mine I have a crush on. It was initially buried in the middle of this thread and I am reposting it here. I hope you like it.
I apologize for the mediocre formatting, You can download a PDF of it HERE which is MUCH more legible than the version below.
Of course, Fimy and Wanda are pseudonyms.
Preface:
*I didn’t know what to write so I made a list of things that make a book awesome: Penguins, mystery, drama, action, partial nudity, a handsome hero, death, superpowers, sex, ninjas, pirates, a feisty heroine, bad men with guns and, of course, midgets. I managed to include all of them in this book. It’s a guaranteed hit! *
The Yellow Bag
Written by Fimy. Starring Wanda.
Wanda awoke to the sound of her alarm. Groaning, she hit the snooze button and rolled under her sheets, turning her back to the real world and everything in it. Maybe if she ignored it, it would go away and she could get back to the soft comforting dream she was having. Already, she was starting to forget parts of it. Was she a in a cave or a hut? She seemed to remember a fire but she wasn’t sure. She remembered she was lying down, feeling warm and listening to…what? Was it the wind or birds…or music? The only thing she was sure of was that she spent the entire dream completely naked, among a flock of magellanic penguins. “What the hell is wrong with me?” she thought, half-appalled and half-amused.
She yawned and stretched, now resigned to her awakening and she slipped out of her sheets and got up. The air smelled of rotten bananas, she suddenly realized. Wanda started silently cursing her sister whom she knew had to be behind this. She went to the bathroom and relieved herself, then washed her face. The house was unusually quiet. By this time of day, her sister and mother should have awakened. Uneasy, she went to look inside their rooms. The beds were undone but their occupants were nowhere to be seen. She walked back to the kitchen and noticed a note on the table. She took it and started to read. It said:
We have you mother, your sister and your dog. If you ever want to see them again, you’d better do as we say. Do not call the cops. We will call you with further instructions at 4pm.
Signed: The mysterious kidnappers.
ps: Have you seen a bag of rotten bananas? I can’t find it anywhere. Also, you snore!
Wanda re-read the note in disbelief. Kidnapped? Why would anyone want to pressure her into doing anything? She didn’t have or know anything of value as far as she knew. She wouldn’t call the cops because she didn’t trust them not to botch this.
She was not willing to trust the goodwill of the kidnappers though. What could she do? Did she really snore? At that moment, her cell phone rang. She flinched at the unexpected sound, realizing how tense she was. It was still morning so it couldn’t be the kidnappers calling, she thought. She looked at the number. It was Fimy. She answered.
Fimy: Yo, what up homegirl?
Wanda: Hey, look, I…
Fimy: Great, great. Glad to hear it. So anyways, I’m making a table. Ain’t that cool?
Wanda: yeah, but list…
Fimy: Right and so I need someone to hold the nails so I can hammer hard without having to worry about hitting my fingers.
Wanda: This is not the ti…
Fimy: So how about you come over around 3pm or so? Ah, and I’ve been drinking so bring thick gloves…just in case.
Wanda: Fimy! I’m trying to te…
Fimy: That’s nice. Oh, did I tell you what happened to m…
Wanda: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME TALK!
Fimy: No need to be rude, you know. I’m listening.
Wanda: My family was kidnapped. Worse, my DOG was kidnapped. The kidnappers said they would call me at 4pm with further instructions.
Fimy: Ah, well you probably better come around 2 pm then, so we have time to finish the table.
Wanda: Fimy!
Fimy: Oh, fine, fine. I see that my table isn’t a priority to you. So what’s the deal with this kidnapping?
Wanda: I don’t KNOW! I still can’t believe this is happening. All I know is the kidnappers said not to call the cops.
Fimy: Maybe you should call the cops. Have you thought about that?
Wanda: …Did you even listen to what I just said?
Fimy: I’m sorry, what did you just say?
Wanda: I have poisoned people before, you know?
Fimy: gulp Ah, I’d…Uh…love to help with the…umm…kidnapping thing. So, what about calling the cops?
Wanda: I hate you.
Fimy: I’m KIDDING! Sheesh. Just because your family was kidnapped and possibly dead doesn’t mean you can’t have a sense of humor.
Wanda: Dead? You think they’re dead?? starts crying
Fimy: Ah…err, no, of course not! Absolutely not! In fact, I promise you we’ll rescue them!
Wanda: You really think so? Do you have any ideas?
Fimy: Oh yes, but we can’t talk about this over the phone. Meet me in the bushes behind the university parking lot I always use.
Wanda: Which one is that?
Fimy: The one that faces the engineering building.
Wanda: Ok, I’ll be there.
Fimy: Oh, and bring some strawberries.
Wanda: Strawberries? What for?
Fimy: I feel like having strawberries.
Wanda: hangs up on him
Fimy: Hello? Hello? MAKE SURE THE STRAWBERRIES ARE WASHED! Hello? Crap…
One hour later, Wanda arrives at the rendezvous point. She finds Fimy, waiting for her next to a big bucket. “Is that water?” she asks, puzzled, as she looks inside. “Is this part of your plan somehow?”
Fimy: It’s to wash the strawberries. How many did you bring?
Wanda: I didn’t bring any you idiot! This isn’t time for STRAWBERRIES! They kidnapped my DOG!
Fimy: And your family…
Wanda: Right…eso tambien.
Fimy: Ok, listen up. Here is my plan. I will follow you discreetly when you go make the drop. Then, once someone comes to pick it up, I will capture him and interrogate him to get the loc…
Wanda: Wait…interrogate him? What if he doesn’t talk? Won’t that endanger my d…Err…family?
Fimy: Oh, don’t worry. I have my ways.
Wanda: What ways?
Fimy: I worked with the CIA once, didn’t I tell you about that a while back?
Wanda: Umm…yeah…vaguely. She frowns dubiously at him
Fimy: So anyways, once I know where they are, we will head over there and save your family.
Wanda: That’s it?? That’s your plan?! Why did we have to come here then?
Fimy: Well, that’s how they do it in the movies. You know…meet in secret, isolated places and stuff.
Wanda: What the hell is wrong with you?
Fimy: Well, according to my shri…
Wanda: Just shut up. Please.
Fimy: Fine…looks sullen. So, you didn’t bring ANY strawberries at all?
Wanda: Oh God…
Fimy: I’m just saying…I lugged this big bucket of water all the way here you know. Do you know how heav…
That’s all he manages to say before Wanda pulls his head towards him and, in one smooth sudden motion, kisses him. He is too surprised to react for a couple of seconds, then he pulls back and starts spitting on the ground.
Fimy: Ew. spit . I know you want to say thanks for my brilliant plan but…
Wanda: I didn’t know how else to shut you up.
Fimy: Oh…ok. Well, anyways, I must go home and prepare myself.
Wanda: Prepare yourself? What do you mean?
Fimy: You’ll see.
Wanda: Tell me now or I’ll kiss you again.
Fimy: Ok! Ok! I need to get my gear. For you see…I am…a PIRATE NINJA!
Wanda: what?
Fimy: Yeah. Basically, I am deadly like a ninja and I am cool like a pirate. I can talk like one too: "Aye me beauty! Harr! Avast!
Wanda: I knew I shouldn’t have sinned so much. I deserve this.
Fimy: Come on, we’ve got to move.
The two climb in Wanda’s car and head for Fimy’s apartment. Fimy hits a concealed switch in his room and reveals a hidden closet. Fimy starts listing the items as he grabs them and puts them on:
Fimy: This is my ninja suit, my katana, and these are my shooting stars, these black balls are smoke bombs and the yellow ones are flash bombs. Very useful to escape dicey situations. And here I have my mask, my bow and arrows. Ah, here. Put this on!
Wanda: Ah, ok. What is it?
Fimy: it’s a special leather costume; you have to put it on.
Wanda: Well, ok. It’s a bit a tight…ok, there. Hmm…This…doesn’t leave much to the imagination. In fact, this is even sluttier than that Catwoman costume…Umm…who are you calling?
Fimy: One second. Hello? Hey man, it’s me. You owe me 50 bucks. Yeah, she DID put it on and it looks good! I am not lying! I’ll take pictures. You will pay up!
Wanda: You will die, beheaded by your own Katana.
Fimy: Chill, chill! I have a good reason to make you wear this! It’s…umm…to distract the kidnappers while I attack. Plus, I’m sure you secretly enjoy wearing it.
Wanda: I do not! Well…maybe a little. How does my ass look?
Fimy: If poetry were an ass, it would look like yours.
Wanda:…Thanks…I guess.
Fimy: No problem. Now, if you would stop talking about your buttocks, maybe we can start this mission, it’s almost 4pm.
Wanda: My apologies O great Pirate Ninja, your wisdom is as infinite as your generosity and patience. Thank you for forgiving a worthless earth worm such as myself.
Fimy: Don’t mention it.
Wanda: I was being sarcastic you jerk!
Fimy: I can’t hear you lalalalala
Wanda: arghh! Whatever! Let’s just go!
The phone rang. Wanda picked it up.
Wanda: hello?
Mysterious Kidnapper’s voice (MKV): Listen and do not speak! You will bring $100,000 in small bills in a small, yellow bag. You will place that bag under a red mustang in front of the supermarket located at the corner of 22nd and 3rd in half an hour. Then you will leave. Come alone and do not try to follow us!
Wanda: I don’t have that kind of money!
MKV: They all say that. click
Wanda: Hello? Hello?..They hung up!
Fimy: Don’t worry, I’ll get the money!
Wanda: Really? You’re the best!
Fimy: Don’t mention it.
Fimy leaves then comes back five minutes later.
Fimy: I couldn’t get the money.
Wanda: …
Fimy: Hey! At least I tried!
Wanda: HOW?
Fimy: I looked on the street to see if there were 100Ks anywhere. No such luck.
Wanda: I don’t know what to say…
Fimy: Don’t worry about it. It was my pleasure. Anyways, we have to go to plan B.
Wanda: What’s plan B?
Fimy: Same as plan A, except we put newspapers in the yellow bag.
Wanda: Ok, I’ll go get some newspapers.
Fimy: In this outfit? No way. You’ll get arrested for indecent exposure. You stay here, I’ll get the papers.
At 7pm, Wanda left the bag under the red mustang and left the Publix parking lot. Fimy, using his ninja skills to camouflage nearby and his pirate skills to have a really flashy grin waited patiently, his eyes never leaving the bag. A few minutes later, a shady looking midget showed up. Slowly, he made his way towards the mustang, his eyes casting suspicious glances all around him. Fimy was too highly skilled to be detected. As the midget crouched to grab the bag, Fimy sprung into action. Before the midget knew what was happening, Fimy had his katana on his throat. The midget swallowed hard, his eyes eyeing the pirate ninja in terror.
Fimy: How awesome am I?
Midget: Very awesome!
Fimy: I like you already. Speak the truth and I shall let you live.
Midget: Yes. I will! Please don’t kill me.
Fimy: Do you have any strawberries on you?
Midget: what?
Fimy: I’LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE! ANSWER ME!
Midget: n-no…No strawberries.
Fimy: Sigh. Ok, where are those people you kidnapped?
Midget: 346 lawa street, it’s a dark green house. You can’t miss it.
Fimy: Ha-ha! You are of no more use to me. Prepare to die!
Midget: b-b-but you said you would spare me! Please! No!
Fimy: Relaaax. I was kidding. I’m just going to cut out your tongue so you can’t warn your friends.
The midget fainted and slumped to the floor. Fimy tied him up and put him in the trunk of the mustang, thinking to himself that people didn’t appreciate good humor anymore. He met Wanda around the corner.
Wanda: So? Where are they? Did you find out?
Fimy: Why, of course. Did you doubt my elite pirate ninja skills?
Wanda: What’s the address?
Fimy: Err…34…something…in…err…something street. I know it’s a green house though!
Wanda: I hate you so much. So very, very much.
Fimy went back to the Mustang and slapped the midget into consciousness. “Hey, sorry to wake you up. What was that address again?”. After re-obtaining the information, Fimy went back to Wanda.
Fimy: 346 lawa street.
Wanda: Ok, let’s go!
Fimy: What? No thanks? After all the trouble I went through?
Wanda: Thank you Fimy. NOW can we go and maybe save my do…family before they’re killed?
Fimy: coolio, dr Julio! Let’s roll.
Wanda: …yes…let’s. We’ll take my car.
Half an hour later. They arrived to their destination. As they had convened, Wanda went to the front door and rang the bell while Fimy positioned himself under a rear window . As the door opened, he jumped in and threw a flash bomb. An old man sitting in front of the living room TV shouted as he was temporarily blinded. Fimy slid his katana under the man’s throat and shouted:
Fimy: Where are they, you son of a bitch? Speak or I’ll cut you where you stand like a pig!
Old man: My…My h-heart…
Fimy: Don’t you try to play tricks on me! Get back up! I SAID get back up! Oh, you want to play that game? Well how about I check your pulse then? Oh…err…I can’t feel it. Sir…are you ok?
Old woman: Oh my God! Harry! What have you done to my Harry?!!
Fimy: Cya!
Fimy jumped through the window and grabbed Wanda as he was fleeing. He told her what had just happened.
Wanda: Um…I just realized. That house was number 364, not 346. He he…he…funny eh?
Fimy: I scared a man into having a heart attack…
Wanda: Well, he was leading an unhealthy lifestyle. Probably didn’t even go to the gym three times a week. He didn’t really deserve to live.
Fimy: W-What?
Wanda: Look, mistakes happen. Let’s move on, shall we?
Fimy: But…
Wanda: I SAID let’s move ON. End of discussion.
Fimy: yes ma’am.
They arrived at the correct address and executed the plan again. As the door was answered, Fimy jumped in through the window, only to find himself facing 34…no, 73 mean looking men with submachine guns. He smiled and holstered his Katana. Finally some real action. He was getting rusty. Before the first man even started pointing his Uzi at him, Fimy threw his first wave of Shurikens. Five ninja stars flew from each of his hands and, instantly, 10 men collapsed on the floor before knowing what was happening to them. Before the last shuriken had hit its target, Fimy was already in motion.
The katana appeared in his right hand and as he ran through the room, the samurai sword flashed as he sliced around him. 20 men collapsed. By that time, the remaining survivors had finally recovered their wits. Most of them ran away but a dozen stayed and started shooting. They were too slow, while deflecting the bullets with the sword in his right hand, his left hand sought one of the flash bombs. A second later, the room disappeared in a flash of white as the thugs screamed. The screams died out 3 seconds later. He was the only one left standing. He exited the room and ran downstairs. He stopped cold. A huge red-haired man was choking Wanda with one hand and pointing a gun at her head with the other. Classic hostage situation.
Fimy: Release that maiden at once, you villain! Or by my sword, you shall perish today!
Bob: If you so much as breathe, she dies! Now drop your weapons!
Fimy: Woah ! Woah! let’s not get carried away here. If I drop my weapons, you’ll just shoot me instead. If you HAVE to shoot someone, I’d rather it be her.
Wanda: WHAT? What kind of hero ARE you?
At this point, Wanda gets so mad that her temperature starts rising. Her skin reddens and starts glowing. Bob jerks his hand away from her with a yelp of pain and stares with shock at the blisters forming on his left arm, where he was touching her. Wanda’s clothes suddenly burst into flames. Fimy stares , as shocked as Bob, though more handsome. At this point, Wanda is covered in flames, her eyes are bright red and glow with unholy fury. She turns towards Bob as he tries to flee and opens her mouth. A burst of fire erupts from it and incinerates Bob on the spot. She then turns towards Fimy.
Fimy: Um…you know I was kidding right? I wouldn’t have let him shoot you. Really…Please don’t grill me!
Wanda: DIE!
Fimy: AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Wanda: What the hell are you screaming for? I didn’t do anything.
Fimy: Ah…umm…right. Yes. Very well then…shall we look for your family now?
Wanda: AND my dog.
Fimy: Yes…that too.
And so , they found the hostages in the basement, safe and sound and saved them. A few hours later, as Fimy was putting down his equipment, Wanda spoke:
Wanda: Fimy. Thank you for everything.
Fimy: Oh, don’t mention it. All in a day’s work.
Wanda: I mean it. You’re my hero. Will you marry me?
Fimy: No, but I’ll have sex with you.
Wanda: Fair enough.
And thus they had sex, fulfilling all the book’s requirements.
-The End.