Here is the last update on the squirrel thing. It’s a little long, so get comfy.
My son, now know as Zoltarb gets home from school and I tell him that there’s a squirrel tail in the netting on the fire escape and he should take the net down.
“Cool!” says my son. Once he gets to the window he says “Ewww!” Maybe twenty minutes later I see the netting still up around the fire escape.
“Zoltarb!” I yell. Except I don’t really say “Zoltarb” 'cuz that’s not really his name, “You didn’t take down the netting.”
His answer: “There’s a tail in it!”
So I spend the next 15 minutes or so, yelling at my son so he’ll take the netting down. I dunno why he even bothers to resist me-- I say take it down, he better take it down! Now, you may ask yourself why I don’t take the netting down myself. I’ll tell you why-- THERE’S A FREAKIN’ SQUIRREL TAIL IN IT, THAT’S WHY!!!
This leads me to my theory of teenage boys and gross stuff. They pretend to love gross stuff, but they only somewhat like it. Here’s how much they like things having to do with gross stuff on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being an almost romantic love and 1 equaling a teenagers feelings for Barney. [ol][li]Talking about gross stuff– 10 []Looking at gross stuff– 5, and only because of number 3 []Talking about looking at gross stuff– 25 []Touching gross stuff– Negative 300.[/ol] [/li]
Son goes to the window, finally, and after a second or so calls to me. “Mommy, the tail is gone.” And lo and behold, the tail is gone. This leads me to theorize again, giving me another chance to use the LIST function. [ul][li]Brooklyn vultures came and delicately picked the tail from the net using forks and knives. []Momma squirrel came back, put the tail in a bag of ice and took it to the nearest limb reattachment center. []Clever Hans made a key chain out of it. []It wasn’t really the tail, just the tail hair and a good stiff breeze blew it away.[/ul][/li]
I like the reattachment theory. That way I can imagine baby squirrel in a bed right next to Mr. J Bobbett whose in for his yearly realignment.
Totally off subject, but something I think everyone should know. When your brave Port Authority firefighter cousin and his strong, very nice brother-in-law is carrying you son’s bed up to your 5th floor walk-up, it’s perfectly all right to walk behind them giving moral support. It is not-- I repeat not perfectly all right to walk behind them, wait for them to start negotiating a tight turn on a landing and then say: “Didja ever see that Friends with Ross and the couch? PIVAAAAT!! PIVAAAAAT!” [I know the correct spelling is pivot, but this does not convey the way you should **not** pronounce this word under these circumstances]
Really, don’t do this. It will cause both cousin and BIN to drop the bed. Right on poor BIN’s foot.
