There's a spider on your bed, but no tissue. You have a $5 bill, though.

Not my Proudest Moment

I once found myself hung over, hazy and staggering down a dirt street in a Paraguayan backwater with a case of the HydroShits. I fumbled into a bar and found the shit-box.

Collapsed on the toilet and blew serious mud. It was then that I noticed there was no paper. There was a trash can under the sink, but the sink was leaking and it was full of water. No wall paper… nothing to finish the job.

I was so disgusted with the state of affairs that I grabbed my wallet and took out a handful of the local currency and tidied up.

Didn’t flush it. Stuck it to the wall.

30 years later, I often wonder what the next guy who walked in there thought.

Catch it between two hands and move it outside.
It’s just a spider, f’crying out loud.

Blow it off the bed or shake the blanket until it falls off. I don’t normally bother with spiders unless they are crawling either on me or on the wall in front of me.

Pick spider up with hands/glass as convenient. Put outside.

Put $5 bill with all my other “maybe I’ll find a use for it one day” crap.

Have this song in my head for the rest of the day.

A clear case for the humane arachnophobe’s friend, the Spider Catcher – www.spidercatcher.net/ Everybody wins !

Yeah this.
Or flick it off the bed.

I don’t know about that. Some spiders eat the ones who love them most.

As to the poll, it does not contain my answer. Unless the spider is a black widow, or something comparable (which I won’t be where I live) I feel no need to either kill it or expel it from the house. If it is right where I am just about to lie down, I would find some way to flick or shake it off the bed. Otherwise, nothing. I am not going to kill it later, either. On the whole, I regard it as a good thing to have a few spiders about the place. They keep the nastier bugs down.

I’m not afraid of spiders or clowns, which makes me one of the bravest people in the world, I’m pretty sure.

Reported… (for being an incomplete poll)

Where’s the “Let it bite me, it might be radioactive & give me superpowers option?”

Why move it outside? I fit wants to live in our house and eat bugs, that’s perfectly fine with us. (Unless it’s a Black Widow, those get squashed.)

Oh, yeah, and what about “Clown Spiders”?

Anyway, unless you have some reason to believe a spider is of the poisonous nasty kind, squishing it is naff, and the hideous spider clown will get you (deservedly so) in your dreams.

Slide the bill under the spider, and then carry it outside; leaving only the spider outside, not the money.

The spider can have the bed-I’ll sleep on the couch. (No biggie, the couch is closer to the AC unit and it’s been pretty hot this week)

I suppose it depends on the type of spider, and where I find it.

Firstly, there are often arachnophobes around me. For their sake, and for the spiders’, it’s best to separate them.

Secondly, I have a slightly unreasonable aversion to the idea of accidentally killing things. If I have guests, I need to be able to trust them to not leave themselves in suicidal locations. The more reasonable side to this is that I don’t want to deal with squashed arthropods. I recently found a big spider squashed in a door, and a crane fly attempting to assimilate itself into my then-occupied sock.

Thirdly, I don’t mind spiders, but I still want to interact with them on my own terms. “Surprises” aren’t that much fun. I once put my bare foot into a shoe that had, apparently, already been claimed by a large spider.

Lastly, I don’t really want cobwebs around. If it’s the kind of spider that lives quietly in a hole, I’ll be less bothered (and they’re harder to catch, anyway).

I’ve either got my shoe or slipper on, and I’d administer what Uncle Cecil once referred to as a “swift shot to the exoskeleton.”

If it was really big, I’d take it outside, otherwise I’d either brush it away or do nothing.
If it was likely poisonous, I’d trap it in a jar so it wouldn’t bite my pet, then decide what to do with it at my leisure after making a positive ID. I will never understand the near-universal “spider-terror.”

If it was a clown, I’d probably squash it so it didn’t scare guests.

Brush it off the sheets or chase it over the edge of the bed with my fingers or whatever book I happen to be reading at bedtime. Spiders do not bother me and I’d be more worried about crushing the poor little thing in my sleep than it biting me (brown recluses and black widows excepted).

You just wanted to literally threadshit, right?

Where’s the option for “shriek uncontrollably”?

If I’m about to go to bed right that moment, then brush or shake it off onto the floor or wall. Otherwise, it’s minding its business, and I’ll mind mine.