There's only two things to worry about

[Johnny_L.A]

From Destination Tokyo (1943)

‘Now, Tommy, don’t go getting yourself all worried… You see, Tommy, there’s always one of two things about a submarine. In the first place, either the enemy finds you or he doesn’t. Well, if he doesn’t find you, there’s nothing to worry about. But if he does, there is still one of two things. Either he drops a depth charge, or he don’t. Well, if he doesn’t, there’s nothing to worry about. If he does, then there’s still one of two things. Either he drops it close to you or drops it far away. Of course, if he drops them far away, it’s certainly foolish to worry, but if he drops them near you, then there is still one of two things to worry about, and that is… if your pressure hull holds. Well, of course, if it holds, wouldn’t it be foolish to worry? If it doesn’t, you won’t be able to worry at all; so why worry?’

‘Are you through?’

‘Yes.’

How would you apply this sort of reasoning to different things in life? For example, if you’re a cop? A fireman? A soldier? A worker? A politician?

[RealityChuck]

The version I heard was adapted for Mad Magazine.

You have only two things to worry about: whether you’re sick or you’re healthy.
If you’re healthy, you have nothing to worry about.
If you’re sick, you have two things to worry about: whether you’ll get better or you’ll die.
If you get better, you have nothing to worry about.
If you die, you have two things to worry about: whether you’ll go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, you won’t have time to worry.

[Johnny_L.A]

Ha! I remember that one!