So let’s start a new one, just for me.
I need a volunteer for an autopsy. You get to hover above your body during it and look down, in approved Coming-to-the-light fashion. I’ll describe for you what I find.
I hope Sampiro volunteers. I want to see what the Organ of Keeper looks like.
PS The human head weighs 10 lbs. Ask me how I know.
I think you’ll find it weighs a little less when properly roasted.
Does this mean you’re volunteering? Come on, come on. Don’t be a tease.
So how do you know?
And what are doing up so early?
You can hack me up if you want.
Why, of course, because the carotid artery takes only 10 lbs of pressure to squish flat, and when the head lolls one direction or other in a hanging, that’s the eye that’s pale.
Actually that’s not how I know.
What am I doing up so early? It’s ten of seven here on the East Coast. I’ve been up siince five. The Dope clock says it’s ten of five, but we all know about the Dope clock. I am off work today, so clearly I need to do an autopsy on someone, or I’ll miss my job.
Darn it, indecisive1! I don’t know you very well! It will be tough hacking you up because I won’t know what funny things to say about you.
Aw right, aw right. Lie back on the gurney. Hey. Do you want to do this clothed or naked?
Being naked infront of the entire Straight Dope is my secret dream.
I think you should hack up Dr. Q. You’d probably find all sorts of interesting cheesey things.
Dr. Q hasn’t volunteered. It is my firm policy since about 6:30 AM today that if I am going to hack up a live person, they must have volunteered.
OK, indecisive1, since you have been so brave, kindly disrobe and lie down on the gurney. Sorry it’s kind of cold; here, let me run some hot water on it. Oh, would you rather have my autopsy techs disrobe you? You can have them look like anything you want. (In real life they are a 24 year old ex-biology student and a 54 year old potbellied guy who looks like Santa Claus’ most worried older elf.)
OK, somebody take indecisive1’s clothes and spread them out on a white paper sheet on another gurney. Let’s photograph them.
Damn… what are we going to do for the autopsy number? Aha! I have it! SDMB 001-06. Naah, that’s hubris. I’m not gonnna have 100 volunteers this year. Ok, you’re just 01-06.
Excuse me while I pull over the wheeled ladder on stilts. Climbing up to take square-on naked all-over photographs. indecisive1, you’re not afraid of naked photographs, are you? I don’t want shrinkage to be a factor.
You didn’t say there would be photos! But since this is for the sake of science I’ll comply. Should I tell you now or later that I don’t have a penis?
I often wonder what my autopsy would look like… what stuff they’d find if I died right… NOW that they wouldn’t have known about otherwise… what kinds of things they might now about me just from my body.
I’ll volunteer.
Do all human heads weigh ten pounds? I wonder how much mine weighs…
I’ve always wanted to attend an autopsy. When I tried to do so at one of the schools I attended (which had an attached hospital) they actively discouraged this. I think they were afraid of encouraging the morbid. But my interest is academic and genuine. In fact, I needed to look up a lot of this stuff for my book. I was able to get photos to illustrate my arguments from some experts, but they were very low-key about it. their attitude was “don’t tell anybody where you got this.”
All this was long before CSI and its imitators made this stuff so accessible to the public.
So having such an open source as [B[gabriela** is certainly refreshing. But why have all my previous attempts to find out about this stonewalled?
If lived near you, I’d be there is a minute to attend the autopsy.
Uh, you bowl with one?
I volunteer to embalm whatever is left over. Be careful with those carotids when you cut out the windpipe.
Well, you’ve got at least two. I’d happily jump up on the table next time.
Anyway, back to matters at hand. Since indecisive1 is dead, and you haven’t started cutting yet, is it ok if I do this… :kitchie kitchie koo!: :kitchie kitchie koo!:
Or is it considered bad form to tickle the cadaver?
Only if it provokes a reaction…
But I’m not dead!
tee hee stop that!
Sorry, I had to step out of the room for a minute. Had to go… testify, that’s right, uh, testify. Had to go see a judge about a horse.
Indecisive1, now that I’ve got your clothes off, you’re right, you don’t have a penis. See, I told you I didn’t know you very well. I was misled by your lifelong dream of being naked in front of the SDMB.
Hal, quit tickling the not-corpse. My photos are getting motion artifact. This is NOT something I am used to.
Indecisive1, there are always photos. Speaking of which. I’ve now done your naked allovers from above, your naked side photos, and your face photo in case of need for identification by family. You don’t have any trace evidence to collect for cause of death, since you’re not actually dead yet. So we’ll skip the PERK (rape kit).
Now may I ask you to turn over and lie face down with your hands at your sides? Palms up. I want to finish the naked allovers from the back, following which I’ll photograph your hands, following which, we’ll fingerprint you.
Following which, it’s going to get a little squcky.
So glad to have a funeral home guy with us. I promise to cut them low and leave them long. I won’t cut the facial artery either when I’m getting out the tongue, unless I screw up and make a mistake.
Of course I don’t bowl with one. That would just be too Grand Guignol. We are in a profession with dignity here.
I will say that I trained in New York City, where people occasionally throw themselves in front of subway trains.
You’re up second. I can usually only perform three autopsies in a day unless it’s time for a really major effort.
I don’t know how much your head weighs, but we can find out.
Hal, I adore you anyway. You’re third up. Go have a bite to eat, we won’t be getting to you until after lunch.
Do eat something interesting. We’ll be looking at it.
Sorry, CalMeacham, but there are significant problems with allowing outsiders to attend real autopsies. Biohazards (you can catch meningitis and hepatitis from autopsies), privacy problems, compromising police investigation, outrage on the part of families. It just doesn’t fly. Sorry because I know your interest is genuine and academic; I have to turn down about a person a week who is truly a fellow traveler, who ought to be allowed in a different world.
But feel free to volunteer for this thread. You can attend your own.
One thing I always do when training newbies is have them fill out their own death certificate. It’s great fun. I love it when they reach the box marked “Information Supplied By” and they get to write in “Self”.