Things I Have Learnt From Science Fiction

Never be a miner. Mining is the most dangerous job in the known universe. All mining colonies only exist to be mysteriously abandoned and then stumbled upon by the heroes, who must then investigate what killed all the miners. The only survivor will be either be a feisty young girl or an aged lunatic; miners themselves, however strapping, don’t stand a chance against killer robots or nameless horrors.

Everyone in the future is really skinny and they wear tight fitting clothes.

Also, never get a tribble.

Velour and spandex will be universal.

Every male in a position of power desires an Earth woman.

Never go anywhere that you can only reach by transporter.

The sex organs of species from are compatible. Heck, even interbreeding is possible and completely normal. To me, this has always seemed like crossing a fern and a blue whale, even with that silly explanation that ST:TNG tried to give.

Any religious thought reveals your race to be severely lacking in inteligence and moral capacity.

Evolution can occur within spans as short as mere centuries.

As an example of that point, all women now have heavy yet firm very large breasts.

If we can send a starship to the Galactic Barrier, why can’t we cure baldness?

Of course, all the above are Star Trek related.

Uh, isn’t this true even without killer robots? Logging and commercial fishing might be a little more lethal, but it’s definitely up there.

If you have a son/daughter, one of you will be killed in a horrible fashion, possibly while the other looks on.

The longer your hair is, the wiser you are - unless you’re completely bald, in which case you’re extremely wise.

I’m assumin’ here that you mean Bad Science Fiction Movies. In fact, you may be referring to the subcategory of Bad Sci-Fi Channel Science Fiction movies (although that ID is filled with redundancies)

1.) There are Some Things Man Was Not Meant to Know.

2.) Never take a job as a Night Watchman at a science lab.

3.) Never say “I wonder what this is?” and then touch/taste/lean over something you’ve never seen before.

4.) Keep far away from anything glowing green or purple.

5.) Never assume that the strange bumping or knockong noise is your co-worker down the dark hallway.

6.) Your friends probably aren’t playing a prank.

7.) Make sure your flashlight always has fresh batteries.

8.) Always look up. Things have an unsavory tendency to hide in the ceiling.

9.) After you’ve killed the monster/creature/madman, it’s always a good idea to cut off the head, just to be sure. And watch out for its mother/mate/henchman.

When engaged in a knife fight on a foreign planet, surrounded by religious extremists, after your father has been murdered by a trusted associate, and you’ve been drinking your pee for a day or two… go barefoot.

Sometimes a smile is a signal you had better run. It isn’t a sign of happiness with some creatures but is merely freeing their teeth for attack.

Standing outside in a field looking up at an object in the sky is a viable means of interplanetary transportation.

'Tis better to have grokked and lost than never to have grokked at all.

The answer to the last one is: Given only another three or four centuries, we’ll become mature enough to realize that male-pattern baldness is nothing to worry about.


  1. Never fly in a helicoptor. Never ever ever ever ever. Damned things shouldn’t be able to fly in real life, and they never sucessfully pull it off in a movie if a monster is about.

Randomly enough on the subject of spandex, apparantly they have some high-tech cold weather outfits that basically look like Spandex, but are supposed to be super-warm. So maybe it IS the fabric of the universe :eek:

Other stuff I’ve learned from sci-fi…

If you can take a shuttle or take a transporter, take the shuttle.

Bald frenchmen in the future kick ass. And can quote Shakespeare while doing it.

Even 500 years in the future, the battery will still always run out at the worst possible moment (usually a couple of seconds before a space cowboy pistol whips you with a slug-thrower).

Despite having developed faster than light travel and other non-firearms related technology in the future, most guns will still only be capable of firing bullets.

Despite the fact that the Aliens have developed Faster-Than-Light Travel, ray guns far outclassing our best weapons, and ways of circumventing all our defenses, when you finally encounter them outside their flying saucers they will be naked, inarticulate monsters whose first reaction will be to try and eat you.

Conveniently, no matter how much kinetic energy a ship absorbs, even if it’s enough to shear off tons of its bulk in a fraction of a second, the crew members will not be exposed to more force than it takes to make them stumble. Nobody will be hurled violently against a bulkhead and instantly be reduced to a meaty paste. Nobody will be bludgeoned or impaled by unsecured items flying around. Possibly somebody will be impaled on a stationary bit of junk sticking out for unexplained reasons, especially if either the person is evil, or a source of pathos, but nobody gets struck by ordinary objects that are there for an obvious reason.

I would have put it, “People will insist on using high-tech weapons that would require obscene amounts of energy to do no more than what a slug thrower could do.”

Ships that are not meant to enter atmosphere will nonetheless be built long and narrow to resist drag. Ships like the Millenium Falcon that are meant to enter atmo may nonetheless be non-aerodynamc and may even have antennas and dishes jutting out to be snapped off in the wind.

Women can stay warm with very little clothing, whereas men must bundle up in bulky space suits.

You must have a light on inside your space helmet so your face can be seen, even if this means you’re blinded by a reflection of your own face.

Artificial gravity always existsm, except when a plot point requires weightlessness.

Weightlessness = masslessness. Nobody ever gets hurt by massive things floating around untethered.
Robots always want to hurt you.
You can always see stars in the universe,. no matter how bright the things around you are.
Angular Momentum? we don’t need no steenking angular momentum!

Earth cultures, specifically pre-1950’s America, are the pinnacles of civilization and will be quicky adopted by ANY (convieniently humanoid) alien race that learns about them.
USB really is Universal. No matter how different the technologies of two races are, their computers all use compatable cables and OS’s.
No near-omnicent and/or near-omnipotent being means well.
Very few people have any philosophical concerns about being vaporized and then being duplicated as a means of transport.
Every artificial life-form wants to be human. They’re never satisfied with what they DO have.

Peace - DESK

Does this count? If someone ask you if you are a God, Say Yes.

If you find yourself in a redshirt, change departments at all cost.

You can reconfigure almost any device into almost any other device, given enough motivation.


If after a day in a coma, you feel ravenously hungry for chow mein, stop shovelling it in, and jump in a furnace.

If being chased by a powerful spaceship, look for the nearby asteroid field. This should present many opportunities to fool their scanners (which they obviously neglected in favour of flashy lights)…

If you suddenly start seeing visions of a fit blonde woman, talking to you and fondling your ear whilst also happening to be a member of a race determined to wipeout mankind, call a doctor and get a brain scan.

If stranded in the Antartic with no methods of communication or travel, and you stumble over a part crafted spaceship, back off and let it finish the job.

The computer is not your friend. Once a machine achieves sentience its only goal will be to destroy all life.

Any problem can be solved by technology. No matter what crisis you’re facing, you can invent a new machine that will solve it just in time. But that new machine will then disappear and never be used again.

In the future, everyone speaks English.

If confronted by a hostile alien, you’re first line of defense should be to hock a loogie.

All contact with alien cultures ahould be characterized by respect and sufficiebt humility to realize that we have no business dictating how to organize a society to other cultures. Unless the women are in charge of the men. That’s just wrong.