Things I Learned at ChiDope 2004

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A Dopefest is not just a party. It’s a learning experience!

While having a wonderful time, I learned many things this year at ChiDope. Here are several:

Canadians
1 - You don’t need a Reach toothbrush if you’re Canadian.
2 - Canadians eat food just like real human beings.
3 - Canadians bring cold air with them from Canada.
4 - You cannot get lost in Canada - there is only one road. It is called Highway 1. Canadians are creative like that.
5 - Canadians are not rude, but they will punch you in the arm. Repeatedly.
6 - Don’t tell a Canadian you’re ‘just yacking’. In the US, it means you’re chatting, but a Canadian will think you’re puking.
7 - Canadian automobiles can go upwards of 100 mph. Who’da thunk?
8 - Every movie about Canada must have hockey in it. Its a law.
9 - If you hang out with Canadians for a weekend, it will take you a long time to resume properly pronouncing ‘out’ and ‘about’.

The Goddess
1 - When the Goddess speaks, the minions obey.
2 - Bad minions must kiss my ass.
3 - It takes at least 3 minions to properly support the Goddess, not counting the 2 attendants.
4 - The ideal minion to Goddess ratio is 10 to 1. However in a pinch, Goddesses may share minions.
5 - Sometimes minions need to be smacked in the head.

Naked
1 - If someone says they want to show you the tatoo on their ass, they probably just want to moon you.
2 - Men are bad at strip poker. Or maybe they just want to get naked. I dunno.
3 - Never split a pair.
4 - A shaved man-boobie gets stubbly within 24 hours.

Alcohol
1 - A Tequila Rose mixed from scratch is much stronger than a pre-mixed one out of the bottle.
2 - Its more fun to be carried from the bar than to walk.
3 - The shy guy is the best partner for doubles pool.
4 - If someone is wearing a sign that reads ‘Ask me about my tongue’, you really do want to see their tongue.
5 - That’s not just jello on that lime. It has alcohol in it.

Chicago
1 - You can buy swimsuits in hotel gift shops.
2 - Someone who lives in the Chicago area would rather ask a random dude on the street for directions than trust you and your map.
3 - Don’t puke out the car door in downtown Chicago or some guy may hit you up for money.

The 80s
1 - I have the coolest 80s outfit ever. Even Jon Bon Jovi doesn’t look as 80s as I do when I’m trying to look like Jon Bon Jovi.
2 - Apparently, some people dressed like pirates in the 80s.

Human Relations, General Advice and the Boards
1 - When everybody votes for Indian food, that means you should eat at an Italian restaurant.
2 - If you see a red and blue flashing lighter that shoots green flame, its mine. Give it back.
3 - UncleBeer looks nothing like my uncle, but he does look like beer.
4 - Don’t leave your shoes by the swimming pool or they might disappear.
5 - OpalCat gives the best dance lessons.
6 - My cell phone vibrates. Call me!

If you want to know what some of these are all aboot :D, come to a Dopefest! (Just watch oot for the Canadians. When they flip open their heads, it’ll freak you oot.)

2

Things I learned at the same Chidope:

  1. I was at less of it but I probably remember more of it than sperfur, who is more fun than I remember her being the last time we met.
  2. I should become one of the Goddess’s minions. I’d make a lousy minion but according to Section B, Lesson 2 she pays even her bad minions really well.
  3. No matter how much money I bring to one of these things it’s never enough.
  4. The liqour didn’t taste watered but no matter how much I drank I couldn’t get past the point of being merely mildly obnoxious. I’m blaming my medication.
  5. Either JustPlainBryan is the most enthusiastic person I’ve met in years or else he was tripping[sup]3[/sup]. I’m leaning toward the latter but I didn’t have the heart to test him. He’s way too nice to play mind games on and leave cringing in a corner.
  6. Sassy has a job very much like nationwide chess.
  7. Attractive women don’t just come from Chicago[sup]1[/sup]. They can come from such exotic places as California, Canada, Virginia[sup]2[/sup], and Missouri.
  8. I am so sick with boredom after that evening that I’m tempted to try anything to bust up the ennui. Even Chat. I mean, it’s so bad I’d even consider talking to people on the telephone. Okay, maybe not THAT bad but you get the idea.

1 - DON’T tell Gundy I said that or she’ll castrate me.

2 - (drop waxes nostalgic) Okay, I knew about hot Virginia babes already. There was one when we were both in second grade who had this pink angora sweater that started my almost Woodian angora fetish. Then in fourth grade Louise Corrigan stole my heart with a toss of her pixie cut.

3 - Note the “g”. This usage is the older sense of the word and is not intended as an insult.

3

He was like the wiggly puppy of the party.

Things I learned:

The good beer is at the front bar.
Too many cameras flashing at once makes me blind.
I’m not as young as I used to be.

4

While I was able to provide transportation to ChiDope, I was destitute when I arrived at sperfur’s doorstep. Thanks to The Goddess for sponsoring my inebriation, hunger, fuel, and nicotine needs. Also thanks to boyojim, Cosmopolitan, and my old Army buddy in Chicago for helping me out as well. And sperfy’s dad for putting us up for the weekend!

The 80s
1 - It’s harder to look like Billy Idol than you think.
2 - JustPlainBryan will steal your outfit idea before you get to the party. Come up with another one.
3 - Don’t play The 80s Game with someone who wasn’t born before 1980.
4 - Tight jeans were as good a thing back then as they are now.

Canadians
1 - There is a third way to pronounce ‘about’.
2 - ‘Sploo’ is a verb, while ‘splooge’ is a noun.

Chicago and Other Geography
1 - Cabrini Green should be driven through at twice the posted speed limit. Lock your doors and do not come to a full stop.
2 - Belmont St. looks like a fun place to hang out.
3 - Chicago expressways are not as express as you’d hope.
4 - 55 mph is (apparently) the minimum speed limit on Chicago highways, not the maximum, though you’re still not allowed to go faster than the speed of light on them.
5 - Initial field reports indicate that Ohio sucks.
6 - The same reports also suggest that Ohio might well be a giant black hole from which no one can drive out of.
7 - Exploding oil tankers and 15-car pileups on the highway will generally make you late for a dopefest.

The Goddess(es)
1 - Don’t rifle through the Goddess’s purse. That’s worth two smacks.
2 - The Head Minion is incapable of being bad. Upon discovery of a perceived grievance, he may spank the Goddess instead.
3 - The Head Minion’s duties are myriad. Job description includes (but not limited to): identifying potential minions and redirecting them for indoctrination by the Minion Matrix; inquiring as to the Goddess’s status when she spends more than 20 minutes in the bathroom; running the bar tab to her at the end of the night, figuring out the tip, and reminding her what her name is; bringing along someone strong enough to carry her to her chariot; picking up her pool game when she leaves it because she’s distracted by something shiny; delivering water to her for rehydration purposes; and looking cool at all times.

Alcohol
1 - Clear jello shots are made with gin. Red ones are made with cranberry and vodka.
2 - Billiards skills get better by the second drink – they suck by the fifth drink.
3 - It is not an honor to be a member of TEAM SUCK, though if Eva Luna designs a badge declaring so, wear it with pride anyway.

Eating Out
1 - Smearing whipped cream on yourself is acceptable even at fine Italian restaurants.
2 - Shiraz tastes even better than a merlot.
3 - Don’t ask the waitress how they mix a whiskey sour. Ask the bartender.
4 - Cappuccino and potatoes skins[sup]1[/sup] makes a pretty good breakfast.
5 - Ask for a pen so you can draw on the table covering.

Nudity, Nakedness, and General De-clothing
1 - When everyone in the room is naked, no one can think of anything to say but “naked”.
2 - Boobies are a fine addition to any hotel room decor.
3 - Overall height vs. torso height can best be determined without lower half outerwear enabled.
4 - A bra worn on the head is not as flattering as you might think.
5 - There are several ways to say “naked”. Tone, inflection, volume, and facial expression can change the meaning of the word immensely.

** Dopers & Dopefest Etiquette**
1 - ALWAYS go to the after-party party.
2 - Licking someone from chin to nose is not a proper way to introduce yourself.
3 - OpalCat does indeed give the best dance lessons.
4 - No distance is too far to travel to a dopefest.
5 - Don’t ask a 10-year-old to autograph your beer label.
6 - Just because it’s raining doesn’t mean you can’t have fun frolicking in it.
7 - Turtles don’t seem to be built to eat a bratwurst.
8 - It is possible to decorate your entire house with frogs and frog related items.
9 - Don’t hand someone an object and say, “Here, I found this up my ass”.
As sperf said, if you want to know the stories behind some of this hard-fought acquired wisdom, come to a dopefest and ask me!

[sup]1[/sup] - Yes, they actually aggressively pluralized the appetizer name on the menu.

5

On a serious note: I learned that I can be quite the asshole. I learned that while “having fun”, I lost the respect of a good number of people whose respect I desire & that I gave a good many others an incredibly negative first impression - an impression that I feel is, on the whole, inaccurate. I learned that some mistakes are incredibly serious & that it’s likely that no amount of apology can make up for them.

6

It’s the former. He’s just a very enthusiastic kind of guy.

7

Can you elaborate? I’m due to visit Chicago in September, so I’m trying to pick up all the hints I can.

8

Cabrini Green = “The Projects”. Arguably one of the most historically violent and dangerous project complexes in US urban history . It’s actually in the process of being torn down, the area is being gentrified for the most part.

They’re estimating that by 2009, all 56 of Chicago’s high rise “project” buildings will be torn down. Biggest problem they’ve faced so far, is what to do with the displaced families. Here’s an article I found that goes into a bit more detail, if you’re interested. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/12/11/60II/main532704.shtml

Belmont Street = “Boystown” Absolutely one of the most fun areas in Chicago, IMO, and home to one of the best damn Gay Pride Parades in the country (I am admittedly biased, because Chicago is my hometown, and I lived in this neighborhood for a couple years).

Lots of great bars, incredible restaurants, tons of great quirky shops and boutiques, home of The Alley, the Brew and View at the Vic, and the Cabaret Metro/Smart Bar is just a hop down Clark towards Wrigleyville (which you can walk to from there, they’re both pretty safe neighborhoods). (Apologies if anything I’ve mentioned is changed, it’s been a couple years since I’ve been back to Chicago. :frowning: )

9
  1. Cabrini Green is one of the government housing projects. It has a fairly well-deserved reputation for gangs, serious poverty, crappy housing, and crime in general.
  2. For Belmont St., I’d say the corner of Clark and Belmont is a good place to start. Cool shops, including one of the most highly-acclaimed tattoo parlors in the city, plus restaurants and a good level of fun.

I’m sorry I didn’t attend, but it just didn’t work out.

10

Bah, waited too long to post - preview is my friend.

11

All of you people saying that the Canadians present say “Aboot” must have had cotton in your ears.

12

“7 - Turtles don’t seem to be built to eat a bratwurst.”

I really hope that is just a joke. I know a 10 year old who would have been really upset if his turtle had gotten sick or died from some dumbass trying to feed him a brat.

For those who acted a little out of sorts and have apologized, I think that is pretty classy BTW. Everybody has their “oh shit I can’t believe I acted like that” moments.

13
  1. I didn’t notice any inappropriate behavior by anybody. Nobody lost my respect.
  2. See this thread.
14

'Twas indeed a joke. He moved more than one plate that was precariously balanced on the edge of the uncovered turtle tank so the food didn’t fall into it.

15

Well, I certainly hope all the background snark doesn’t scare folks away from doing it again…'cos I sure am hoping to make it out next year. Between a death in the family and a job change and a new baby on the way, it just wasn’t in the cards this year…

16

it took 16 hours to get home, but I would do that drive again in a second.

What a great fabulous wonderful time, and I have met so many new wonderful people.

And I’ll just say that the one major thing I learned from ChiDope is you people are some of the coolest folk around. Thankyou for a very wonderful weekend. There are certain people that I miss already.

Oh, and I learned one more thing. A 1994 Saturn can hold much more stuff and people in it than I would have thought possible.

17

I learned the same thing she did. I also learned that I need to pay a lot closer attention to how drunk I feel. I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever been that drunk before in my whole life. That isn’t something I’m proud or happy about. I don’t have a whole lot of experience with drinking in general and in public in particular, actually. It’s something I’ve really started doing only recently (I was always the one with the soda while everyone else had a beer)… and I’ve learned a valuable lesson about it. I think it’s a lesson most people learn in college, though, so I’m a little late to the game.

On a more fun note:
I learned that a fake moustache doesn’t actually make you old enough to drink.
I learned that someone in Chicago makes some kick ass spicy enchiladas.
I learned that there really are a lot of really neat people who call themselves Dopers. Actually I didn’t learn that–I already knew that. But it was reinforced.
I learned that Canadians are fun!
I learned by watching, not doing, that the hotel jacuzzi is way too hot.
I learned that the Chicago area has a lot of area codes, and they’re all freakin’ long distance! Of course I was coming from the DC area where a really startlingly large area is still considered “local” by the phone company, so I’ve got a skewed sense of that, no doubt.
I learned a lot about the Goddess/Minion dynamic, though also vicariously and not first person.
I learned that my cell phone has an upper limit to the number of text messages it will store.
I learned that the O’Hare airport–or at least the United part of it–is the most disorganized place on the planet. The people on the flight to Atlanta that was leaving from the same gate as my flight had their gate changed 3 times in 45 minutes, and ended up back at our gate anyway. Oh, our gate being the one that we were moved to, because I didn’t end up at the first gate I started at, either. They were making anouncements like “…we are trying to find a pilot…” and “…we don’t know how much longer they’ll be at LaGuardia…”

18

Background snark? Color me clueless but I missed that, too. (shrugging) Back to lessons learned.

First impressions can be accurate When I started here the poster named Monster came across as perfectly adorable. Photos of many posters and she stood out as perfectly adorable. I finally met her and you know what she is? Perfectly adorable.

19

Then yer gonna need a much faster car.

20

My face actually got really flushed reading that right now. You are too sweet. You know what I learned? That you can have an online friendship with people and nothing, I mean nothing is better than meeting them IRL and giving them a big hug. And being able to laugh and joke with them as if you’ve known them for years.