Dinsdale, I learned this in a big year this way. EPPES just came out and I’m staggered and angry at the rating I got. I closed the 2nd highest number of deals in the office (keep in mind entire regional offices close 25 per year…we do 25 per person, and I did well over that)-and I did it in a shorter time span than the person who closed the highest number of deals, on account of one of my more obnoxious clients complaining to my boss that I shouldn’t be closing till fully waived in (so I did the work and other people took the credit for at least 10 transactions). And in spite of this, my boss only gave me half “highly successfuls” and 1/2 “fully successfuls”. This, despite the fact that not only do I handle my program area, I do the legal research for everyone else in the fucking office.
The only fricking criticism? “You’re too intense.” THAT justifies pushing down my ratings? Every single one of the outside firms praises me for how hard I work, how fast I structure and close transactions and yet, I’m punished for it.
I’ve spent the last 2 weeks since EPPES doing practically nothing (business has dropped off due to interest rates, anyway and it isn’t grant season yet), just helping my old mentor with the legal research he’s too lazy or incapable of doing…and guess what? My boss has the gall to tell me I’ve taken his advice to heart. For doing NOTHING. NOTHING, mind you.
It really gave me an eye opener about the Feds. Performance is not rewarded. The illusion is.
PS: what were you trying to get? A higher grade or something? I’m 4 months away from my 13 and I’m seriously considering jumping ship once my income range goes up to that level…since I can justify asking for more than I can now.
I can totally see this. In addition to having depression, I’m just not an enthusiastically happy person. I tend to be somewhat pessimistic and find it hard to tune out all the negatives in life.
Well, I was reading about the science of happiness, and how about 50% of how happy you are is determined by your biology. Everyone has a kind of happiness set point, and you can do things that make you feel temporarily happier or sadder, but you tend to return to that same level.
So, I started to think, “I’m probably not ‘programmed’ to be terribly happy,” and weirdly, giving myself permission to just be how I am, and taking off the pressure to find a way to be happier . . . made me happier. It’s like a Zen koan, I tell you.
(Actually, I think it also has to do with getting rid of an underlying idea that “I *should * be happier,” and should statements are classic distorted thoughts known to contribute to depression.)
Anyway, a classic, negative example of this phenomenon is walking up stairs. Start thinking about it, and you wind up in a heap on the landing.
There were a couple of supervisory positions open. At the time I had a thread about my efforts. They are 1 grade higher, but since I’m close to the top of my grade, the dollar difference isn’t that great. At the time I thought I’d be good at it, could help the office, and would enjoy the difference after 20 years of the same thing. Since not getting either one, not a day goes by that I am not thankful.
Oh - and no question I would have done a far better job than either of the 2 selectees. However, their cluelessness and incompetence makes it easy for me to collect my check while sailing under the radar.
(We have our own new performance system which is an incredible PITA.)
My experience with this phenomenon has been with buying replacements for lost stuff. The lost stuff will INVARIABLY show up the day I break down and replace it. It’s just the lost stuff gnomes having a laugh, I guess.
(Olives, did you know that thinking positive thoughts stimulates the same area of the brain that is affected by SSRI’s? Just sayin’. )
I think you misunderstand me. My time is pretty much evenly divided at this point between school and mental wellness. I’ve been in therapy for six years and can list 14 medications between 2001 and present that I used in an effort to fix these problems. (Not knocking medications, just trying to impress upon you the work I put into my mental health with every passing day.) In these 6 years, I have certainly made improvements. For example, I started out almost completely non-functional–barely eating, couldn’t leave the house, not bathing, spending most days in bed, even ended up hospitalized in 2002. In 2004 I withdrew from school for over a year specifically to get this shit down and learn to live again. So in total I have busted my ass for 6 years. Now that I’m back in school, I’m set to graduate in 2 months and holding down a great research position on top of my schoolwork. I live again. Miraculous.
To say that I have ignored ‘‘what’s going on upstairs’’ would be more than an understatement–it would be a gross misrepresentation of the truth.
However. I have several chronic mental illnesses. Despite the great strides I have made to improve my mental health, there are many hurdles left to jump. I could struggle easily with depression and anxiety and PTSD over the next 10 years–or, possibly the rest of my life. My personal experiences notwithstanding, mental illness is rampant in my family, so there is likely a genetic component to my struggle as well–as someone before mentioned, a pre-set baseline mood.
So when I feel the terrible crush of depression that seems to dog me mercilessly no matter how hard I try, I have two options:
assume my life is meaningless and worthless unless I am ‘‘happy’’
accept that I have a chronic illness and move on as best I can.
Yesterday was an intense example of this. I spent the first half of my birthday stunningly depressed. I could barely move off of the couch. What I wanted to do was fly into a self-destructive frustrated self-hatred cycle and spend the rest of the day in bed. What I DID was calm myself down by reminding me that I have depression and that being depressed, for me, really has no bearing on how valuable or meaningful my life is, regardless of how I feel. So I went out to eat with my husband, and it was a beautiful Birthday Eve. By letting go of the need to feel better, I felt better.
That’s really what I’m talking about. Unauthorized Cinnamon nailed it. And it really is a zen thing-- zen meditation can raise your baseline mood. I try to do it regularly. featherlou, I personally feel I am super optimistic and don’t see my perspective as pessimistic at all. There is a difference between expecting the worst and accepting the way things are.
My comment wasn’t a criticism of you in any way - just suggestion for something really easy to do to help you feel better. Sunshine and exercise are good for depression, too.
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I try to do it regularly. featherlou, I personally feel I am super optimistic and don’t see my perspective as pessimistic at all. There is a difference between expecting the worst and accepting the way things are.