So we’re sitting on nightshift in the nursing home and it’s been one of those horrible muggy nights and everyone’s been hitting the ProPlus a little too hard, and you find yourself laughing manically at ludicrous things like (this morning’s list):
Another careworker reads out the list of residents and everyone tries to guess closest to their actual age
During a discussion of how therapeutic it is to bring dogs and cats into homes for the old folk to pet, I find myself straightfacedly relating the bad side of bringing in fully-grown alligators - the way they’ll grab a person by a limb and roll, tearing them to pieces in literally seconds; the trail of carnage they leave behind them as they move from one person to another, to another, cutting a swathe of severed limbs and bloody agony across a previously tranquil dining room. It wasn’t until I finished with “and that really… isn’t what you want…” that the ice broke.
The thing is I can never be like this at any other time. It only happens when we’re tired. Does this happen to you people? What kind of comic gems did you come up with? Is there any truth in the rumour that this is how Windows got started? “hey… let’s put in THIS clause and THIS clause and I’m telling you, man, they’ll go for it! Heeheeheehee! Heeheeeheeehee! Pass me another brownie…”
And yes, I am currently exhausted, and no, no old people were [directly] harmed in the making of this post.
Weird things get funny to me in church, and make me say stuff.
One time this guy that I don’t particularly like was leading singing, and he was screwing up, big time. He was leading the song really really too fast, and no one could keep up. My sister was rolling her eyes, and I leaned over, nodded knowingly, and said, “This must be the dance mix of the song.”
We both just about peed. I don’t know where that remark even came from, it just jumped out of my mouth.
Not really even funny now, it was just something about it then.
When your stoned friends return from what was supposed to be a 30 minute beer run 5 hours after the beer store closed with a stop sign with a dead possum on it tied to the roof of their car, it’s pretty funny.
This one time a friend and I were uo at about 2 or 3 in the morning studying for finals and we were at that stage where even a word like ‘factorise’ would make us crack up. We had been chugging at filter coffee all night to stay awake and the main drawback of this (besides the shakes) was that you had to pee all the time and we happened to be running out of time. Anyway, I managed to convince him that a spoonful of instant cofee would still do the trick if you just ,y’know, chewed it. I still don’t know why he’s so suggestible sometimes. Another time , we thought that condensed milk on a pizza was just such a kewl idea…
Also - ppl throwing up at 5 in the morning somehow is also very funny, esp if it comes in really strange colours.
National geographic documentaries can be pretty hilarious early in the mrning, when you’re also pretty wasted : when the ice thaws, the north atlantic shrew begins preening , and the search for a mate is it’s main priority…’
And have you ever seen 2 giraffes get it on…
It’s always hilarious when you’re in school and suddenly subjected to something that’s way below your academic level. I was in grade 8, and we were watching a video about WWII. The TV got reception as well, and when the teacher turned the video off, an educational program came on. In time lapse, a seed was placed into some dirt, and very rapidly became a plant. “Hey!” we all yelled when he turned the TV off. “We wanna see the plant grow!” In a similar incident in grade 5, we were watching a video about god knows what. Again, the video ended, and another educational show came on. A woman looked into the camera and said earnestly, “You are made up of little tiny particles called cells.”
Some of you know that I work the weekend warrior shift for Oscar Mayer. Friday to Sunday, 3pm to 3 or 4am.
By Sunday around 1:30 or so we all get a little goofy.
One night I got everybody singing the bologna song and dancing around.
Also, one of the girls and I went around mouthing a bunch of words that made no sense to people just to see the confused looks on their faces.
You see we work around alot of loud machines so loud that we are required to wear ear plugs. So, if you aren’t standing right up on a person next to their ear they can’t hear you.
And when you mouth nonsense words to them from across the room it is hilarious!
Sadly, I have reached an age where whenever I am up at 5 a.m., all I can think about is "Damn! When I hit menopause, I’m going to be up like this every, single night!" And I can assure you, there is nothing funny about that.
Wishing she were a guy for the first time in her life – Tenar.
As of last night, the funniest thing when you’ve had no sleep is Battledome.
We had a staff meeting at my restaurant last night. At 11 PM. We closed up the restaurant and opened the kegs. It was fun. Then we realized that it was 1:30. Goofy, skinny waiter screams out "BATTLEDOME! in this deep voice. It was so funny. Suddenly everything was “BATTLE-something-or-other”. We were all hollering and yelling, calling each other “BATTLEB*TCH!” or “BATTLEBOSS!” or “BATTLEHOOTCHIE!” or giving “BATTLEWEDGIES!” to each other. (Well, threatening them, at least.)
RIght at the moment, though, I have had 3 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. And “Smooth Criminal” by Alien Ant Farm is on the radio, and it’s going to make me pee. (Michael Jackson hardcore…whodathunkit?!)
Maple Syrup. Just the thought when up all night/stoned/drunk will send me off.
Also, as I get up insanely early to work out, I get to see certain screen gems early in the morning. One day, I turned on TCM (Turner Classic Movies) at about five, after my shower, and found some parody of Tarzan…
…enacted with dogs in costumes as the actors.
Pugs, terriers, Salukis, mutts. All in costume and mouthing lines (badly dubbed). I think it was the big Afros and bones-through nosed dog ‘natives’ that finally got to me.
Stumbling out of the observatory on the last night of a 5-night observing run, blinking blearily in the morning twilight . . . One of the the figures points to the eastern sky and wails, “The Moon! The Moon has caught fire!”
One day in calculus class the professor had just explained what an operator is. A moment later he told us that a function is smooth if it is differentiable in all its components. I whispered to the friends on either side of me, and we all began giggling uncontrollably. We tried to stop, and failed, continuing to snigger in a most inappropriate manner. Finally the professor, disgusted, asked if there was something we wanted to share with the class. I was sputtering so hard I could barely speak, but managed to choke out, “If an operator is differentiable in all its components, is it a smooth operator?”
Now, to this day, I think that’s freakin’ hilarious, but not a single person in the class (who were all, of course, staring at me) cracked a smile.
Luckily, my two friends then dissolved into loud guffaws, so at least I wasn’t alone.
This is an other one of those once upon a time geezer stories.
Some time before the armed forces and their P.R. agencies discovered that impressionable young people could be induced to enlist with TV. ads showing fantasy warriors slaying dragons (a mission unlikely to be encountered while on active service) and meaningless catch phrases (what in the Hell is a army of one?), there was a P.R. campaign that showed a fresh faced young gentleman parachuting out of an airplane, repelling from a helicopter, running around in the woods and Lord knows what else in the pre-dawn half light. At the end of the whole thing the viewer was shown the F.F.Y.G. sipping on a canteen cup of a refreshing hot beverage and looking very satisfied with him self. At this point the photogenic youth turns to an older man who has just appeared and very cheerfully says, “Good morning, First Sergeant,” while the voice over announcer intoned that in the Army you will do more before 8:00 A.M. than most folks do all day, or some equivalent drivel.
It was regarded as highly amusing among my acquaintances to announce the 4:00 A.M. shift change in an eight hours on – eight hours off 30 day field exercise by announcing that in the Army we do more before 8:00 A.M. than most people do all day. If was really funny stuff at the time but it doesn’t seem quite so big a laugh some 20 years later.