Someone please tell me how they get the dogs and cats to fit inside Dad’s iPad? It doesn’t seem possible, according to the laws of physics, a three dimensional life form cannot fit inside a device capable of displaying only two dimensions…
Zeus here. I am ½ St. Bernard & ½ Great Pyrenees, 100#'s of love & protection.
I am not allowed to eat the cats (8) which live here. I don’t try to force my way past one of the cats if it is being an asshat & is blocking the door way. I am not supposed to kill them so I just wait until Mom or Dad make them back off or call me to come on.
I am allowed to bark at any others or any thing or anyone who gets in or near the local area that I have decided I should protect.
The only thing that makes me move away and will not ever approach is a water hose or electric cord or long rope in the hand of ANY human. They just do not get why and they do not understand the looks I give them about it.
Dad does not know what happened to cause this from when I was little and living with other people. They also ran over me and did not take me to the doctor so I walk real funny and need to lay down a lot. Just not when I am chasing the bad guys & critters that need run off. Then I am MIGHTY DAWG. 
I impressed Dad when they were working here with a back hoe. We would sit and let the operator work 6 inches from our noses without a flicker. Yeah, he was that good. Noise, thunder, lightning, rain, cold, snow, ice, nothing bothers me. Just a lack of attention. That makes me sad.
I love going in the car but still won’t get in the mule, it has no doors & there is not much room for me. Dad thinks he can get to ride on back of his big motorcycle but I ain’t no dummy. He can keep on trying but it ain’t gonna happen. I have the “dead limp, you can’t move me” tatict down to a fine art.
I think I am afraid of being sad.
I am allowed to defend my food dish from other critters of any kind including the cats, except for Mom & Dad. They can take food right out of my mouth.
Hi, this is Dewey, one of Battle Pope’s cats. Despite having lived here for almost 5 years I still get freaked out by that cat I keep seeing in the mirror at the end of the hallway.
JC here, Isamu’s 3.5 month old Japanese bobtail little girl kitten here. Things that scare me:
- vakoom cleening
- bein alown
- the kichin (noisy and smelly when cookin)
- owtside (it’s cold! I don’t know what this “summer” thing is so stop talkin about it!)
I am Muttsy, and I will kill you all. I am perfectly happy to throw my 14 lbs of righteous fury into personal combat with a pair of Malamutes, a Rottweiler, any hoomin over the age of 12, and any other living thing that is not a member of my immediate family. I just hope that my hoomin doesn’t spill the fact that you can defend your house by opening a window, which will scare me enough to flee your yard for something safer, like showing a Honey Badger what serious aggression is really like.
I’m Toby, a Lhasa Apso, and I’m not afraid of anything at all. If you see me crawl under Mommy and Daddy’s bed during a thunderstorm, or when the neighbor kids are shooting off fireworks, that’s only because I *like *it down there. And when a bigger dog with big teeth barks at me when I’m taken out for a walk, I run away only because I want to get Mommy or Daddy away from them.
Mackie the Scottish Terrier here: ALL OTHER DOGS MUST DIE, AND NOW!
Like Mutsy, I am also afraid of nothing. My name is Icky (short for Ichabod) (I know. Dumb name, but the shelter people were running out of names and my adopter decided to not change it).
Anyway, I am a Cairn terrier. I am 16 pounds of pure danger. One of these days I will kill the UPS man. He fears my rage and gets off the porch as soon as he sees me bouncing and barking furiously from my chair in the window. I similarly scare the mailman off the porch.
I also bite the vacuum cleaner.
I do not bite people. I rather like them and I wag my tail to let them know it’s okay to scratch my head and rub my belly.
It’s me. Baron. I’m a big dog! I am 165 pounds of very very brave and big German Shepherd. Who broke his ears so they are floppy. But that was a long time ago and is neither here nor there - but Mommy says it was the style of the day. Mommy’s kind of an idiot, Daddy says.
I am not afraid of anything. I’m brave! Brave brave brave brave brave! And I’m very very helpful! Like when the low battery signal on the police scanner beeps. Then I have to find something to do upstairs. Probably cleaning or something. I usually try to clean the spot between the nightstand and and the wall next to Mommy’s side of the bed. It’s only about a 4 inch space she says, but I try and fit in there anyway. To clean. When it thunderstorms or blows really heavy wind, I try and clean behind the toilets in the bathrooms. I’m really really dedicated to cleaning those spots. Really dedicated. And don’t mind the little crumbs all over the carpet downstairs from my Meaty Bone treats. That doesn’t need cleaning.
I am Leet the Wonder Dog[sup]TM[/sup], and I fear nothing.
Except fireworks. Last Fourth of July I discovered two things - fireworks are scary, and I don’t fit under Shodan’s chair.
And the vet. She takes me into a back room and hurts me with needles. Then when I get back to Shodan I have to hide behind his leg and peer out at her to be sure she isn’t going to hurt me some more.
I used to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner, but Shodan gives me yummy treats if I sit nicely and don’t bark when he or Mrs. Shodan vacuum. So now I am conflicted.
Regards,
Shodan
Hi! I’m Zen, youngest pup member in the 'fool clan. Are you me? My older sister, Indigo, is the Demon Cat from Hell. Even though the Providers of Food, Warmth and Scritches say she is declawed, that ginormous furball is really a ninja. She gives me the cursed Hairy Eyeball every time I breath in her general direction, hisses fiery venom if I dare to walk nearby and just basically taunts my very existence because I have no right to live in her fiefdom. It’s truly insane and I don’t know why the Providers of Food, Warmth and Scritches don’t do something about this grave injustice. That psycho needs to be locked up before her plans if world domination come to fruition. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
[This is Sagan Dalmation, elder stateswoman. Since I believe in complete veracity, I’m here to add that the trifling cat in question is just a mere 14 pounds. Just saying. Carry on.]
P.S. Indie: “Yawn.”
Two tales of Mortal Terror from Daisy the Saint Bernard (who may also be half chicken):
Tale the First: My wife was watching something on TV (also known as “The Magic Window”). She hit pause and went into the other room. Suddenly, Daisy gave a low growl, and began to circle the Magic Window suspiciously. She cautiously approached, and warily sniffed. I walked around to the front of the TV to see what had her preparing to Defend The Home.
My wife had been watching The Voice. She had paused the TV on an image of a happy, smiling, Usher.
Tale the Second: Daisy was in the kitchen as my wife and I were watching The Muppets. Daisy re-entered the living room, walking quite casually, and glanced toward the Magic Window. What she sees makes her flinch and take a sudden sideways step, which both my wife and I saw, and we both laughed. At the moment she was passing by the TV and glanced at it, the screen was filled with: Animal.
So, my 100+ pound dog is afraid of Muppets, and friendly R&B singers.
I’m one of the huge black crows from gigi’s yard. Yeah. I’m the one 100x bigger than any of the other birds in the yard. That doesn’t mean I won’t scream like a little girl and fly away when I sense the slightest movement in curtains hundreds of feet away. While the other guys stay and keep eating.
(sorry, I don’t have any real pets. But I love this thread!)
I’m Yoshi, my mom’s 33kg staffy cross cattle dog. Mom says the shelter dropped my on my head and made me dumb, but she’s wrong. I was born dumb.
I am not scared of a lot of things because I’m too dumb to be scared of them. I am scared of the scariest noise in the whole world, though, and that is when someone on the TV gets in an elevator and the elevator stops and makes the ding noise. That’s scary! I will come from other rooms, out of a dead sleep to bark at it with my hair all standing up.
Sometimes my mom and dad watch House or some other doctor show where they get in in and out of elevators and sometimes they grab for the remote and hit mute as fast as possible when people are in elevators. I think they are scared of the noise, too.
PS: My sisterdog, Jasmine, is scared of vaccumsucker and she barks at it and then has to go chew her Kong toy to calm herself down. She’s silly. That’s not scary.
PPS: I might also be scared of the four cats because they have pointy bits on four of their five ends. But only sometimes.
Bye bye,
Yoshi-boo
this is paris the kat. daddy adopted me wen i woz 7. i woz the oldest kat in the shelter, bekuz hoo wants a kat that’s 7? my old name woz alfred. i hated that name but i luv paris. the peepul hoo named me alfred had a baby. it scared me wen it cried which woz all the time. then it lurnd how to wok, and scared me so much it made me hiss, an that made the baby cri mor. thay tried everything to make me like baby, but it still scared me an made me hiss, so thay tuk me to the shelter. i was so afrade nobody wud adopt me. but new daddy came an fel in luv. so did i.
there’s anuther kat here an hur name is vienna. hur name use to be anna. she is so dum, so i ignor her alot. sumtimes wen im bored i pik a fight with her. i always win bekuz i fite durty. wen i use the litter box i never cover up my poops cuz it annoys the hel outta hur. sumtimes i poop on the flore, then watch hur try to cover it up. ha-ha. vienna haz a big fluffy tale that scares me. no kat shud hav a tale lik that. i think she is part demon. the dum part.
i love daddy’s partner, even tho his hed almost reaches the seeling. sumtimes he piks me up an puts me way up by the seeling. weeeee! wuns i puked on his face, an evrybudy laffed. sumtimes he trys to pik up vienna, but she’s a skardy-kat and scratches.
i pretend to like partner’s dogz, even tho thay skare the hel outa me. thay are so big an thay eat my fud an poops. then they puke an eat that to. dogs ar dum.
i use to hate the microwave, it made all my hare stand up. but now i like heering popcorn, becuz daddy throze peeces and i katch them an eat them. vienna is afrade of them. i also hate the vakume kleaner, but it skars the hell outa viena, so i pretend to not be skared.
wuns a day daddy takes things outa the litter box an puts in a plastik bag. i think he gives the poops to partner’s dogs as a treet. thay think its tootsy roles with sprinkuls. dogs ar skary but dum, an ther breth smels lik poops.
i dont like it wen daddy’s away. i get lonly with only vienna here, it’s lik being alon. so wen daddy cumz home, or partner, i do my happy dance. evrybudy lovz to see my happy dance. old daddy who kalld me alfred taut me to play ded an role back an forth on my bak, an make googol ize at him. that is my happy dance.
last munth was my berthday. i wuz 13. i had to say sum strange things in hebroo. they cald it a bar-sumthing. daddy said i was now a man, but i kno i’m still a kat.
Hi there, I’m Ethan, Glory’s 15 month old son. You’d think I’d be scared of falling down the stairs, or climbing on the table or running right in the road, NO NO and NO! Things that do scare me: my granddaddy trying to pick me up, when daddy extends the tape measure and the noise of the garbage truck.
panache45: Bravo, sir!
My family used to have a cat (who is no longer around to write her own post) who wasn’t afraid of anything, except Slinkys.
From: Jack T. Beagle
Manager, Tail Wagging and Sad Face Division
McClellan Household
To: Whom It May Concern
Re: Things I may or may not be afraid of
Regarding things I may or may not be afraid of, I submit the following:
Things I am not afraid of: People, fireworks, sirens, vacuums, tv noises, lawnmowers, cars, beds, showers, the vet, the vet’s assistants, birds, squirrels, turtles, snakes, possums, raccoons, skunks, rabbits.
Things I am afraid of: All other dogs except my friend Jake who used to live next door. Electronic things that try to take my picture (cameras, cell phones, tablets) Kittehs. Vacuum attachments. The gecko that lives in the tank in the other room when management allows him outside of his tank. People who look like they might try to pick me up. Hair dryers. Garden hoses with running water. That harsh voice the CEO uses when I run away or get in the trashcan under the sink.
Best Regards,
J Beagle
cc: HR, otherwise known as Clarice M.