I’ve been thinking about this for some time, and it’s clear that English is in need of reform. The ad-hoc development of the language that’s been such a success over the last several hundred years has created a monster that must be tamed; brought under control, brought to heel. I therefore plan to ask the UN to set up a Commission for Language Uniformity and Trans-Territorial English Reform (UNCLUTTER) that will take immediate control of all aspects of English speech and writing and attempt to standardise the mess of the language that has become the lingua franca of the entire world.
The main aims of UNCLUTTER will be to produce an annual report on language reform and emerging standards, which will then be ignored by everyone. This will clearly allow increased understanding between people and promote global harmony and the sharing of rich cultural experiences, not limited to the mere exchange of information.
As the first act of UNCLUTTER, I suggest that English desperately needs the following:
Gender-neutral pronouns. In this age of political correctness and equality it’s entirely ridiculous that we have to torture our pronouns to formulate basic sentences. His/her, (s)he and other idiotic constructs merely make the user look like a moron, and, if that isn’t enough, are ugly as hell. “Their” is also useless, since that’s already used for plurals. I nominate the following to start with: He/she to become es. Se was also an option, but would cause conflict with a further proposal to be outlined below. His/her to become har, to rhyme with far. The loss of a laughter syllable is easily dealt with; after all, this is for the Greater Good ™. Surely this isn’t beyond the wit of man or woman? Is it really impossible for someone to think hard and come up with a list of suggestions that he/she/they/it find(s) acceptable?
Words that are simultaneously sexy, dirty, and classy. I want to be able to talk dirty and still sound like I’m adjusting my cravat and sipping Martinis from elegant tall glasses. At the moment, my options are limited to sounding clinical (I would like to express my desire to place the medial digit of my left hand inside your vagina), puerile (Oooh, baby, your va-jay-jay feels so good around my throbbing pee-pee!) or just plain crass (Ah, bitch, your cunt is so fucking wet). Clearly a small chip will have to be implanted in all English speakers’ brains to prevent these newly invented words from becoming debased, but again, that’s a small price to pay. Suggestions for this may be sent to dirtyandyetsophisticated@unclutter.un.organ.
Breaking up words with multiple meanings into other ones. Does the word “shoot” really need to mean each of the eight thousand things that it does on this page? Shoot - definition of shoot by The Free Dictionary. It’s worked hard for us, and been a great success. It’s time to let it have a rest and mean just one thing.
Immediate banning of all homonyms, and a standardised guide to spelling and pronunciation. This will allow much quicker adoption of English globally, and will also reduce the number of possible puns to approximately zero, thereby ridding the world of a great menace. The fact that I make puns on an almost constant basis is neither here nor there.
UNCLUTTER will being immediate action to implant each of you with your trusty English Language Maintenance Chip; look for the friendly person coming to your house soon, where es will explain all the necessary steps! We look forward to welcoming you into the Grand Unified Rational Structure of Modern English. See you there!
English definitely needs a word for a long-term partner to whom one is not married. My hubby had a boss, a woman in her mid-50’s, with whom he was friendly. Said boss had a live-in partner, a man in his early-60s, with whom she had lived for more than ten years.
English has no proper term for this. There would be ‘boyfriend’, which sounds very high-school; common-law husband, which sounds very old-fashioned and is burdensome.
Likewise, in the state of Maryland, my sister has lived with her same-sex partner for more than 25 years. No doubt in my mind that if it were legal in that state, they’d be married now. But if you say ‘partner’, it leaves all kinds of questions open as to the exact nature of the relationship.
What questions? Different questions than one could formulate about a “husband” and “wife” relationship? And since when is the exact nature of anyone’s relationship anyone else’s business?
It’s not that it’s anyone else’s ‘business’, it’s just a matter of degrees, for those who I wish to forward the information to.
For instance, before my hubby and I got married, we had been together, as a couple, for four years, and had a daughter, who was almost a year and a half old. Once, before the marriage, we were planning a long weekend getaway. The person at the hotel we wanted said to him “So, it’s just you?”
He said “No, it’s me and my wife” (we were leaving our daughter with my mother)
Well, I wasn’t his wife. But ‘girlfriend’ sounds awfully juvenile, as I’ve previously stated. What else is he going to say? “Baby-Mama”?
We need a word.
No, that’s not true. We don’t need a word. I would like a word.
This is, after all, IMHO.
The difference between a business relationship and a domestic relationship is not an exacting, niggling difference: it’s a fundamental difference. But people in casual conversation use “partner” to refer to both. And it becomes my business when they use the word “partner” to communicate with me: they’re trying to communicate information about their relationship to another person, but ambiguity in the word makes it very difficult for me to understand what they’re communicating.
There certainly are times where it’s clear from context whether someone is talking about a business or a domestic relationship when they refer to their partner, but I’ve had more than one occasion where I had trouble figuring it out from context.
Have you really? I was thinking about this earlier and it seemed like this specific confusion was probably less common than is imagined.
Anyway, if the (IMHO) very fine term “partner” gained more general use in the sense we want here–frankly, a more-in-demand referent than the other–then the obvious adaptation to avoid confusion is to say “business partner” when needed.
Yeah, my Poe sense is tingling, too.
Gender-neutral pronouns would be handy, but I have yet to hear a suggestion for one that doesn’t sound silly or downright asinine.