Things You Would Buy If They Sold Them

So here I am finishing a bag of popcorn when I think, “Hey, these half popped kernals (Old Maids) are the best part.” Too bad you can’t buy an entire bag of them without the fully popped corn.

(Note: I am so glad I caught my typo before I hit reply. “fully pooped corn” sounds pretty sick.)

I would also buy a bag of burned prezels and Chewy Runts with only the banana and strawberry flavors. Muffin tops (think Seinfeld) and shoes that are already broken in.

Oh, and the burnt pieces of cheese on the edge of a pizza.

I would buy nuclear weapons, biological weapons, and chemical weapons, but alas, they make it hard for people to conquer the world.

And even though they do sell this one, they are extremely rare…I want to buy an M1A2 Abrams Main Battle tank…

Tom Clancy owns one.

a big box of assorted monkeys

Yeah! Burnt Pretzels RULE!
I wish they sold Russian court dresses…

Sounds like a great idea for a business… I think the burnt cheese would go over really well in some parts…

I would happily buy soda that was guaranteed to stay freshly fizzy for an hour after being poured into a glass.

Well, the monkeys sound tempting (do those come by the barrel?) but…

I’d buy individual songs online from record companies, if only they’d sell them that way.

Let’s see…1. anti-loneliness pill, no side effects 2. a pill that makes one happy & content with what life they have at the time & no side effects 3. glasses that translate voices & sounds into text 4. a invisibility pill, no side effects 5. a stepford woman.

Gristle. I love gristle. Not fat…but gristle. Especially if it’s charred just a bit, but not burned.

a time machine.

a ‘soft saw’ - something that was fully string-like, that
you could put in the middle of a long piece of rope.
Throw it over a high branch, and pull on each end of the
rope until the branch falls.

You CAN get those…I used to have one. It wasn’t that easy to use, tho, because there you’d be, sawing away, standing under the tree, WITH SAWDUST FALLING IN YOUR EYES. Of course, you don’t have to look up, but if you didn’t, you stand the chance of getting bonked in the head with a REALLY big piece of wood.


Where? What do I ask for?

a big bear with a modified medulla and no other brains, with a reengineered alimentary canal allowing full insertion of my legs and torso. and with lots of chloroplasts.

I’d crawl in and wear him like a jumpsuit. My head would stick out of his mouth, like I had some kind of tribal headdress on. It would take about three weeks of poststroke-like physical rehabilitation to really get a hang of moving the bear around. but once i did, huzzah and goddamn! he’d keep me warm in the winter, warmer than any jacket I’ve ever had. And wouldn’t I be the cat’s meow ambling through the city streets?

Plus, when I don’t wear him, he’s a rug in my drawing room.

Go to a camping store or a hardware store and announce, “where are the things that I wish for, yet already exist?”

or, check out one of these sites:

Geez…I can’t remember where I got it…I think it was at a camping store. There are two kinds: one has a cable with a section that’s really rough and toothy, with a rope on each end. The other uses a section of chainsaw-like chain, that is with teeth.

Note that I said I used to have one…they don’t work that well, and I think I tossed mine. I think mine was called a ‘pocket saw’ or something like that, because you could coil it up into about a 4" ring and put it in your pocket…provided you didn’t like those pants much, anyway.

Diane, my pappy used to make the “old maids.” Well, actually, it was called parched corn. Take some sweet corn and dry it out (if you have a gas oven with a pilot light, leave it in there for a few days and it dries out nicely), remove the kernels from the cobs, then put it in a wok with some corn oil and stir while it heats up. Throw in some salt, and it’s good stuff.

I’d like dry ice cubes. Put them in your drink, doesn’t water it down as they melt, and you’d get that cool smoking/fog effect.

As for that saw, I had one of those, it was called a wire saw, from a camping store. Have to be careful with it though, fold it so it “creases” and it breaks.

I’d like a bag of the mutant conjoined pretzel sticks.
But the more I think of it, that might take the mystique out of it.

You know, you’re kicking back for an evening of Monday Night Football with your bag of Mr. Salty’s, and about 1 out of every 30 sticks is that elusive “double”. Ooh, I just get so excited. I’ve been known to call friends in different states to announce my discovery.

Wow! They stole my idea for a soft saw!

They must have a time machine, too!

Thanks, guys!

I want a holodeck. You know, the thing from Star Trek where you get to live out your fantasies? Course I don’t want to pay a lot for it, so I’d wind up with some cheapo off brand holodeck. Alls I’d need would be the one program involving the '88 World Series and Mike Scioscia and olive oil.

When I was younger, my brother put me in a box at 5:00 pm, and when he let me out, it was 9:00 pm. I had travelled ahead in time four hours!! Creepy. It only worked in one ‘direction,’ though. I wonder what ever happened to that box…