Things your favorite authors do that annoy you

Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe novels are among my favorite books. I’ve read all 47 of them multiple times, and every few years I’ll run through the whole series again, just to be able to spend some time in the brownstone on West 35th Street with Archie, Fritz, and Wolfe.

But there are a few things about them that just bug me. No, it’s not the anachronisms, like the fact that Stout gives Wolfe’s house several different street numbers, some of which couldn’t be between Ninth and Tenth Avenues, or that lawyer Nathaniel Parker is called Henry the first few times he appears, or that police Lt. George Rowcliff is identified as J.M. Rowcliff in one book, and sometimes spelled Rowcliffe. These are small and insignificant points that provide fanatics with fun trivia factoids.

I’m also not unduly bothered by Archie’s sexism and rare mild racism. By the standards of the day, Archie and Wolfe are quite woke.

No, there are several things Stout mentions or has his characters say or do that are just wrong and that bug me very time I come across them. Here are a few, in no particular order:

The window in Wolfe’s office. This is mentioned several times, but Manhattan brownstones are row houses, and no matter what street number you put Wolfe’s at, there must be other houses on both sides. The office is between the front room, which has windows that open to the street, and the kitchen, which looks over the back yard. There cannot be a window in the office unless there is a vacant lot next door. Although not impossible, it is unlikely, and nothing is ever said about it to explain the window.

The soundproofed rooms. The office and front room are said to be soundproofed and on a few occasions claims of extreme soundproofing are made (e.g. a scream couldn’t be heard). If you’ve ever been to a recording studio, you may have noticed that the doors between the studio and the outside often have an “air lock” and in almost all cases are very thick, much more so than ordinary household doors. Real soundproofing is not as simple as Stout seemed to think.

Killing people by running them over with a car. This is how quite a few victims in the Nero Wolfe corpus meet their end, but it has always struck me as a rather improbable and unreliable way to try to kill someone. Most such murders are done with a stolen car, a task that would not be simple for the non-professional killers who are the usual perps in the stories. Although a few are done in remote locations, many are done on the streets of NYC, which raises the problem of witnesses. So many issues.

Opening locked doors. Archie’s method of getting into a locked house or apartment is to grab his big ring of keys. But by the 1930s, when the stories begin, simple skeleton keys that might be common to many locks were a thing of the past. The notion that you could carry a large enough variety of keys to get into a strange house is ludicrous, and nothing is ever said about picking locks, which would be the way any competent private detective would do it. This is a technical blind spot of Stout’s that is among my chief complaints. Someone should have clued him in to this.

I may think of some others, but these are my main ones with Nero Wofe.

What are yours?

It’s a very minor annoyance, but I don’t see why Stephen King can’t write a naturalistic novel without sticking in one paragraph, completely inessential to the plot, where something paranormal happens. (See, for example, the last page of his latest, Never Flinch)

Mine die on me. (Robert Jordan, Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams)

Or turn out to be monsters. (Neil Gaiman)

King has too many novels with chase scenes in them.

Robert Heinlein is an impressive writer, but it wasn’t until I started listening to him on audio that I realized that his characters all have the same verbal tics – phrases they use over and over, and which only started to annoy me when I heard them.

Heinlein, like Rex Stout and Arthur Conan Doyle, apparently couldn’t be bothered to go look up details in his past works to be certain they were consistent. So we end up with Nero Wolfe’s globe being of different dimensions in different books, as well as the street address varying all over the west side.

I don’t recall reading about the window in Wolfe’s office – I don’t see how there can be one. One wall is against the front room. One wall is along the corridor and has Wolfe’s full-length bookcases. One wall is behind the desk and has the trick painting and the only real outside wall has Archie’s big mirror on it and maybe Wolfe’s paintings. Where would he have a window?

Archie’s keys don’t bother me. You don’t need classic ward-type skeleton keys – you could have other general-purpose keys, and supplement these with lock-picking kits.

Right, he is actually a quite good contemporary novelist.

But there is often a sort of ‘hey ho, here we go’ point in a lot of his books where you can hear him thinking: OK, we gotta switch in some horror now… that’s what the market demands…

My complaint about Charles Dickens is that he often tries to squeeze in a novel’s worth of plot into the last 20% of the book (after he had so much fun building characters in the first 80% of the book).

In The Shakespeare Requirement, Julie Schumacher had a weird fondness for tacking an independent clause onto the end of a sentence (she enclosed it in parentheses, like this).

But he never talks about picking locks. Ever.

I like Haruki Murakami’s books, despite the fact that he leaves some essential questions unresolved. If he wrote the sort of books where resolving these sorts of things didn’t matter, it wouldn’t bother me, in the sense that (with apologies to Harrison Ford) “kid, it ain’t that kind of book”. The thing is, his books are those kind of books, and he often leaves key questions unresolved. Despite that, they are quite good, and I still enjoy them.

Things that make me eye-bleedingly angry:

  1. Chapters that are 3-4 pages. That’s it. Here’s a scene. Its three pages. Here’s another scene. Its three pages. JUST WRITE THE FULL SCENES, STOP GENERATING SO MUCH BLANK SPACE!
  2. I generally read books during lunchtime. I have about 45 minutes. I will estimate how much of a book I have left by the page count so that I don’t end up with having only a dozen or so pages to finish during my lunchtime read. STOP ADDING IN 50 PAGES OF ADS AT THE END OF THE BOOK, OR PUTTING IN TWO CHAPTERS FROM THE NEXT BOOK! aaAAARRGH!

I disagree. Archie says to Saul at one point “You say it’s only a Rabson” (referring to one of Stout’s made-up lock brands) but you need more than a hairpin for a Rabson." He may not use the phrase “pick a lock”, but he’s definitely implying it.

To me, it’s writers who don’t write denouements - Jack Vance and Neal Stephenson come to mind, but there are plenty of others. Their stories just… stop. I’m not asking for a full Lord of the Rings, here, just give us some time to breathe after the plot is resolved.

I don’t think it’s about the market, I think King just really, really loves horror, so even in a non-horror story, he still likes to indulge himself.

Harry Turtledove is like that. I read a lot of his alt-history books years ago, and every one has the same kinds of turns of phrase. “The next X he met that was Y would be the first!”, usually with X and Y consisting of some racist stereotype. There were others, but that’s the one that really stuck with me.

A number of things are starting to grind my gears since I started listening to Heinlein audio books. Which is quite disappointing. It’s turning me off of what used to be one of my favorite authors.

The end of the Planet of adventure saga it’s specially galling, after four books of toiling to get a spaceship to return to Earth we get “The spaceship took off and left the planet”, or something like that, as a last line.

One fairly famous American mystery writer whose name I’ll put in a spoiler box used the same trick in virtually every one of her books. The killer would always be the person with an alibi and no motive. At the end the alibi would somehow be broken by some unguessable mechanism and the motive would be revealed after the fact. This was in the 30s, in the Fair Play era, but I never considered doing this to be fair play. The books are otherwise lots of fun, if you like screwball comedy. (We get a Summary button now instead of a blurred spoiler?)

Summary

Phoebe Atwood Taylor

As for Wolfe, lots of people have made floor plans for the Brownstone. Some of the best are by his big fan organization The Wolfe Pack. One shows the front room with a window on the street.

Iain M. Banks went to the rape-revenge plot well a bit too often for my liking.

Who was reading the books? I don’t think there are any instances of RAH reading his own work anywhere? Maybe the tics were somewhat an artifact of the speaker?

They should all show the front room with windows on the street. More than one person leaves through that window. Or did you mean the office?