Of course, it also qualifies my friend Mike as clinically insane, but that’s besides the point. Check out this original story he just sent me, for no apparent reason. It’s long, but worth every second of it, even if you don’t know what’s going on. I doubt he did, either. Check it out:
THE DAY OF RECKONING
A common subject of conversation between myself and my friends, is who would win in a fight between any 2 given Anime Super Heroes. Often it sparks a heated debate that while it may be nerdy, is also loud and nerdy. And at the point where each party's knowledge and patience has run out, cries of "KAME HAME HA!" and "AKIRA!" pervade the air as nerf bat's are drawn and a struggle to the death ensues.
After a recent incident which caused the destruction of my pool table and a bank of "French Revolution Commemorative Mugs", it was decided that in the interest of saving physical property and valuable nerd calories, we should find another way of resolving our disputes. 6 bags of caramelized popcorn and chipped ham later, a light bulb went on in my greasy Spanish looking head. I had reached an epiphany, or perhaps the over ripe ham (which had spent the better part of a fortnight under my bed) was causing a false sense of euphoria, but either way I felt enlightened and nausious. I asked myself this question, "What better way is there to decide the most powerful Anime Super Hero, than to have the Super Heroes themselves battle one another?". It was a stroke of genius, or at least it appeared so at the time. However, in all fairness, that wasn't the only thought that crossed my mind in my "funky ham" induced state of awareness. Here is are a few samples of my other, more cathartic thoughts.
The boogy man really isn’t after me, he’s after me lucky charms!
The pigs knew this would happen.
Why don’t I see as many mollusks these days? I blame Ralph Nadar.
Anyhow, back to my epiphany. We decided that we had to get the Anime Super Heroes to fight each other. However this was a problem in itself because, as everyone knows (with the exception of The Easter Bunny and Robert Downey, Jr.) Anime Super Heroes aren't real. To get around this, my friends and I conferred and assigned real world values that would equate with the characters' cartoon world strength. For example, we decided that A-Ko (from Project A-Ko) was approximately as powerful as 4 Ford Explorers with extra thin gas tanks. We also decided that Krillin (from DBZ) was about as powerful as twenty-thousand 2nd graders wearing wet suits. Next, it was agreed upon that D (from Vampire Hunter D) was probably about as powerful as my uncle Patrick swinging garbage bags full of light-bulbs from his golf cart, and Ashitaka (from Princess Mononoke) has the power of a panda bear wearing a ball thong and a flame thrower.
First we assembled the required elements, which took almost all morning, then we commandeered the use of Mellon Arena for the afternoon. It was easy to get in, after all, who is going to argue with my uncle Patrick, a panda bear in a ball thong, 4 Ford Explorers, and twenty-thousand 2nd graders in wet suits? My friends and I organized the four representative groups together which was a little difficult, the panda bear had eaten five or six of the 2nd graders so to make it even we shaved his back; and one of the Ford Explorers had exploded prematurely on the ride over, so we had to replace it with my friend's Honda Odyssey (the big happy mini-van). Each group was then given a 14 foot tall, Japanese, war-flag and we allowed the melee' to commence.
First a Ford Explorer representing A-Ko charged through a phalanx of second graders representing Krillin, but was then flipped when it hit a piece of glass left from one of the light bulbs used by my uncle Patrick, who represented D. Upon flipping the gas tank exploded and killed one thousand six hundred and fifty-second graders in wet suits. Then the panda bear in a ball-thong bit the nozzle off of his flame thrower and instantly reduced himself to 1,500 pounds of flying, napalm covered, panda matter which landed variously throughout the masses of 2nd graders and caused the random explosion of another Ford Explorer which in turn killed even more 2nd graders. This signified the death of Ashitaka and Krillin's strength was reduced to one Explorer and the mini-van. However, upon seeing the mini van the remaining eleven thousand 2nd graders in wet suits tried to jam themselves into it, thinking that their mothers had arrived to take them to soccer practice. The Honda Odyssey might have remained big, but it was not happy. Even the dual power sliding doors and 8 available cup holders could not accommodate the girth of eleven thousand 2nd graders in wet suits, and the scene was eventually reduced to meat fireworks and the remains of a former mini-van. This signified the death of Krillin and A-Ko's strength had been reduced to a sole Ford Explorer.
Now it was down to A-Ko vs. Vampire Hunter D. My uncle, representing D, chased the Explorer down the halls of Mellon Arena in his golf cart while swinging his bag of light-bulbs. A-Ko's Explorer made a hard left into a bathroom and my uncle followed, but when the Explorer hit a fecal matter slick it went into an uncontrolled spin which when it came to rest had pinned my uncle Patrick against a urinal. My uncle conceded defeat after the sensation of having a urinal full of broken light-bulbs pinned to his face became unbearable (wuss). And so the Great Anime Super Hero Inaugural Death-Match was concluded with Vampire Hunter D losing to A-Ko, who proved herself more powerful than Krillin, and Ashitaka as well.
The match over, bets were paid out in the form of Magic Cards and Pez dispensers and we all returned home with a new knowledge of how our favorite Anime Super Heroes ranked (except for those who claim that Krillin wouldn't have lost if it weren't for A-Ko's fill in mini-van but the recount hasn't returned on that one yet).
Are there plans for the future? Of course, next week my friends and I are going to have Wing Zero fight Tenchi Muyo and Akira but we have to scrounge up some more 2nd graders first. Finally, I just wanted to add that the remaining Ford Explorer self detonated in my driveway last night, I guess it got a little nippy out there.
Well, there it is. Hope you enjoyed it, it sure as hell cheered me up!
(I think I need to do background checks on my friends…)
