This Just In! Cavemen Liked the Nookie!

I’m shocked! Shocked I say!

In other news, bears revealed to be Jewish and the Pope found to shit in the woods.

The Venus of Willendorf is being used as evidence of the horniness of cavemen? Really? It looks to have a lot more to do with having plenty to eat and popping out babies than getting it on to me, but hey, judge for yourself:

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(No active link for this hot, hot, hot paleolithic action.)

I had no idea that such a “widespread belief” existed. I always assumed it was a sexual free-for-all, personally. Why would cultural norms exist before culture itself?

And of course they did it for fun. What animal only does it for reproduction OTHER than (a few weird) humans? How should Og and Grog even have been able to KNOW that sex was connected to reproduction?

Well, Og certainly would. I’m not so sure about Grog, there…nudge nudge

Then again, Og would almost certainly smash…so take that as you will.

Well that makes perfect… huh?! Women have breasts, so men will be able to recognize them as female? Oh, brilliant work, Doctor Leakey. Fess up, Taylor; this little announcement is just your way of justifying the enormous porn downloads from work, isn’t it?

So this is cutting-edge archaeology, is it? Sculptures of ancient naughty bits may indicate that prehistoric people might have regarded sex in much the same way as modern people.

That’s great. So we can finally say with some confidence that the depiction of prehistoric life in the comic strip “Alley Oop” is not supported by the modern archeological consensus.

Turns out that “Reader in Archaeology” isn’t actually a faculty position at Bradford University-- Taylor just spends a lot of time hanging out in the department library. Face it: with a name like “Timothy Taylor,” you ought to be starring in a series of children’s books about your Amazing Adventures with your dog Rusty, not pretending to be a serious archaeologist.

Ah yes, nookie. So easy even a caveman can do it.

No he can’t. They put his show on ABC, not HBO.

I always assumed it would have been an alpha male dominated activity, with most of the females in clan reserved for the most dominant male. Not that the second tier males wouldn’t occasionally be able to sneak a piece of the action, or work out their “frustrations” on one another.

Anyone else see Quest For Fire? I remember the scene where Ika introduces Naoh to oral sex. The look on his face basically says, “We’ve been wasting our time looking for fire when we could have been doing this?”

Am I the only one that looks at these stone ‘ceremonial phalluses’ and ‘ritual fertility statuette’ items and thinks “sex toy”? The Venus of Willendorf has a ribbed head. Ribbed.

Or running about with another couple of mad blokes on a bicycle built for three. I wonder if Timothy’s middle name is “Brooke”?


I did read that some scientists (maybe) have speculated that the shape of the penis is intended to “scoop back” a predecessors sperm (long strokes, obviously), improving the last male’s chances of fertilization (along with a bunch of spermatic tricks to win the race to the ova). From this, and the fact that men get aroused by images of other men having sex with woman, leads to the inescapable conclusion that males are actually hardwired for sloppy seconds :eek:

And FonF porn (for men) has the frisson that the male has no prior genetic competition.


I remember reading a genetic study of chimps in the wild where it was revealed that the alpha males weren’t the daddies of most of the kids. It seems that they were so busy enforcing their alpha status that they didn’t have lots of time for nookie, so the females would make themselves available, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Which makes sense from a vary-the-genepool POV. Donald Trump might want to keep this in mind.

Who the heck would think paleolithic folk were having sex in order to have babies? Are they smoking jimson weed? Yeesh! Very very few people, ancient or modern, have sex for the conscious intentional purpose of making babies. And presumably a lower percentage the farther back in time you go. There must’ve been a time when the connection simply was not common knowledge.

Possibly what the article meant but didn’t get across clearly was that sex had personal/ social/ religious overtones beyond merely answering the call of hormones and the resultant side effect of children. In other words, a fuck was more than just a fuck.

It has been long suggested, most famously by Masters and Johnson, that humans have an enhanced sexuality as a result of evolutionary pressures. Since humans mature so late (in terms of being able to survive independent of patental care), survival for progeny depends much more on parental care and teamwork. Bears solve the problem by placing the burden entirely on the female, humans by establishing a bond between parents, enhanced by the positive reinforcement of good ol’, toe-curling sex. This would explain, for instance, the female human’s receptiveness to sex outside of actual fertility.

Hee hee… Masters/Johnson… :smiley:

The mind boggles at the possibilities of an uncensored sitcom about horny cavemen.

The V of W has a lot in common with present-day cave drawings on restroom walls. She has huge breasts, she has a prominent vulva, and she lacks hands, feet, and a face. Cavemen had no photos of Vida Guerra, so one of them fashioned porn from available materials.

Mmmm… Prehistoric camel toe.