Have your kids had kids yet? When they do, their respect for your parenting skills will increase exponentially (and I do know what that term really needs.)
My daughter not only has taken a psychology course in college, she had a PhD in psychology. If you think this helps in parenting, you are extremely naive - which is your right at your age.
Every kid is different, and the kids we have are also different. You may hear people who are parents laughing at you. It is for a good reason.
You’ll get a lot smarter when you have a kid, I promise you.
One grandkid - nearly 4.
Was funny when she was first born, and my kid would tell us things like, “Parenting has changed so much since you were parents.” Yeah - right! :rolleyes:
When the grandkid was young, my kid said she didn’t want to ever tell her kid, “No.” And she and her husband would give the kid endless choices about all manner of little things - like which sink she wanted to wash her hands in. Causing all manner of complications, rather than just picking her up, taking her to the nearest sink, and washing her hands. Sure, it is important to teach the kid agency and how to choose, but some things also just need to get done…
So much that they did seemed to involve an incredible amount of effort and equipment. They were strictly constrained by nap schedules and the kid’s preferences. Of course, they only have 1 kid, and my clearest memories are from when I had 3, and efficiency was more imperative.
Now, I sense that , “No” and “Because I said so” have become tools in their parenting toolbox. As a general rule, as my adult kids progress in their jobs, relationships, and see what is going on with their friends and those friends’ families, I sense that they are elevating their opinions of the effort and intentions my wife and I expended.
I’m always surprised at how well behaved the hypothetical children of non-parents are.
So true!
And how rational. If we’d tried the “Stay up as late as you want” with my son, he’d have loved it. Stay up, watch videos, instant gratification. Sleep in, also good. Miss bus to school, YAY, skipping school! Get bad grades, who cares?
We all make the mistake of thinking kids will be tiny versions of ourselves. In the case of the OP, maybe even tiny versions of his adult self. Dennis Leary says it’s like trying a raise a tribe of drunken monkeys.
OP, more on this delayed gratification. You went to college and are 21. When did you have time to earn the money to pay for it? Or did you earn a full ride? Otherwise you grabbed instant gratification by influencing your parents to pay for it or borrowed against future earnings.
As parents, wife and I allowed children to make inconsequential decisions. Blue top with pink shorts to play in the yard? go for it. Play hide 'n seek in a department store? not a snowballs chance.
Like it or not, Parents are THE role models for their kids. Emphasis on “model”. You want good behaviors instilled in your kids? Then you have to DO them yourselves, not just preach them.
You can tell your kid not to swear but if you talk like a drunken sailor around the house you’re probably going to end up in a school office explaining why your kid called a teacher a dumb bitch.
You don’t want your kid smoking and binge drinking every weekend? Then you probably shouldn’t do it yourself.
Are you a loud person that talks over others to be heard? Don’t be surprised when they tell you Suzy can’t seem to keep quiet during class.
Raise your voice or get physical to settle arguments between you and your spouse? That’s how Timmy is going to deal with his classmates.
I can see so many behaviors in myself, good and bad, that are direct reflections of how my parents behaved their whole lives. And I can see my and my wife’s behaviors reflected in our 13 year-old. Good and bad. I can preach till I’m blue in the face to try to change his bad behaviors (short temper, procrastination, too quiet) but until I can model those behaviors for him, he won’t pick up on it.
For Middlebro that happened as soon as the Eldest Nephew was known to be on the way (we didn’t even know that it would be a Nephew); it’s amazing how much impending fatherhood focuses the mind. Somehow Littlebro has always had a very clear concept of “taking care of little kids is a lot of work”, which went hand in hand with “I’m very glad that as one of the youngest cousins I never had to do that” (his own kid will be in first grade next year).
I dunno. My wife and I stayed committed to not making the same mistakes our parents did. We were going to make our OWN mistakes dangdabbit!
Honestly I think we parents overestimate our importance. Within fairly broad ranges they are going to turn out the same more or less in any case. Lots is just wired in and lots is more the impacts of peers than us. If they know they are loved that’s the bulk of our impact right there. IMHO.
This x 1000!
So this. Until you’ve had kids of your own you don’t know Jack about parenting. Once you have kids you might know a bit about your kids, but you still know Jack about other people’s.
Oh sure, but that’s not my point. When your kids make their own mistakes, which they will, they will discover that parenting isn’t as easy as they thought it was, and that you did a better job than they thought you did.
Same goes for friends without kids, who think they are experts.
On the other hand, my daughter read that you were supposed to give your kid two and only two choices, which would force him to pick one.
“So, you want to do A or B?”
“No.” (or “C”). So you can’t win, either way. But we parents know that, don’t we?
As are in-laws (or so I’ve heard).
But at least they have experience. My in-laws were fine, actually.
Im glad you have a healthy attitude about it.
There is a theory in child development called the “good enough parents.” As long as the parents are proving the basics of security and love and trying, the parents are doing good enough. The kids will be resilient and can learn on their own. (I suppose there are other issues which complicate this but it’s the basic idea.)
I grew up in an extremely abusive family; a couple of siblings could never recover from it. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression as well.
My therapist always talks about the differences between what “normal” parents do and what abusive or neglectful parents do, and how that impacts the development of the child.
That reminds me: Did you ever find out who was braiding the blanket fringe?
I’m a bit confused about what you are advocating here. I just watched the video where he persuades kids to come with him by showing them a puppy, or candy. In spite of the repeated warnings they have heard from their parents, the kids seem to happily go off with him. I guess that’s on them? Assuming they survive their first abduction, they’ll know better next time, I’m sure.
In sensing a trend here. You want absolute rules on every human relation. If I say this tho a woman at a bar, this will be the result. If I tell a child this particular thing, t they will turn out this way.
In child rearing and everything else, there are no guarantees. None. You roll the dice and you takes your chances.