There are at least two other fora this could go into, but I’ll give it a shot here.
I just had a long discussion with a friend of mine about having children. The situation is that I believe, and believe that I have good reason to believe, that I wouldn’t be a very good parent. I have impulse control problems, I have problems with aggression, I have low patience, and I really hate when people act irrationally and refuse to listen to reason, as children are wont to do.
When I read about parents who beat or otherwise abuse their children, my first thought is “Why the hell did you have children, you fucking idiots?”. I don’t want to be one of those people, and I fear I would be if I had children, so I think the responsible thing to do is not to have them. Plenty of people shouldn’t have children, and the problem isn’t that they shouldn’t but that they go ahead and have them anyway. I can be different and do the right thing.
My friend says, basically, that the very fact that I have thought this much about the matter and hate people who beat their children so much, means that I would be a much better parent than I think, and that I would never beat my children. Maybe so, says I, but if I fear that I would, shouldn’t I play it safe and not have children? Shouldn’t I make as sure as I can that I won’t be a childbeating asshole?
In the past, I have on a few occasions used violence when I really shouldn’t have. I’m not proud of this; in fact I’m embarrassed and pained. It was mostly when I was a teenager, but I don’t see that as an excuse.
So: Given that I believe I would be a bad parent, and that there are some people that shouldn’t have children, is it not the right thing for me to not have children?
Well, that’s up to you. I don’t think you should follow people’s consensus on something like this.
My wife and I are childless by choice. I, too, believe I would not make a good parent. I simply don’t like children and am not interested in BEING a good parent, so I felt it best to avoid the issue altogether. I managed to marry one of the few Thai women who don’t want children.
I think it is the right thing for you to not have children. I read this a while ago; “Having kids is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. If you don’t want it with all your heart and all your soul, don’t do it.” I actually think my husband and I would make good parents, because if we did have kids, it would be a whole-hearted commitment to doing right by them. We just aren’t interested in having them. We are also people who shouldn’t have kids; we don’t want them.
Of course it is, but that’s not exactly what I wanted to discuss. The question is if someone like me, given what I said above, shouldn’t refrain from having children no matter what their own wishes are.
Well, no, the question originally was rather YOU should have children – that’s what it says at the end of your original post – not someone LIKE you. From the original post, I thought maybe you might want a consensus, then go with that, which I would not advise.
I can assure you that whatever is said in this thread, it will in no way dictate any decision of mine to have or not to have children. That decision is several years into the future no matter what. What I’m looking for is a theoretical discussion on the matter raised in my original post.
Are we married? Naw, you sound like you know your own faults, while my husband ignores his.
If you don’t like kids, then by all means, don’t have any. Lots of my friends are childless by choice, and they all have legitimate reasons. I feel you should really WANT to have kids before breeding.
Your friend has a point though. Maybe someday your thought will change. If they do, you’re all ready half way to becoming a normal parent.
Okay. My best advice to anyone on the subject is not to have children just because they think they SHOULD have children. Societal and familial pressure and all of that. I could never tell an individual that he or she should or should not have children.
Although I HAVE seen some families where I wished at least one of the parents HAD been “fixed.”
Disclosure: I am a parent of two, with one on the way.
I fully, wholeheartedly believe that anyone who thinks that maybe parenthood isn’t for them, or that parenting is not really a gig they’re interested in taking on, should absolutely not have children. This is not to say that being a parent does not involve moments of ambivalence or outright wanting to run out the door and never come back, because it does. But it also includes good stuff that outweighs the crappy stuff. If you suspect that for you, the crappy would outweigh the good, you should go with your gut. It pisses me right the hell off when I hear seemingly well-meaning people go on and on about how “You’ll feel differently once you have some of your own” or “Oh, the fact that you’re being thoughtful means you’ll most likely be an excellent parent!” Well, great, but what if you don’t feel differently once you have some of your own? What if your thoughtfulness doesn’t actually translate into good parenting? If you don’t want kids, don’t have them. That’s my advice.
My husband and I are childless by choice - mainly my choice. For many of the reasons you have named, I have never thought I would be a good parent, and I have never been one of the women who really wanted kids.
If at some time in the future you decide you want children, the fact that you are honest with yourself about your flaws (and we all have flaws, some of us are just more honest about them than others) seems to make it more likely IMO that you would work to overcome them and deal with them in regards to your children. What it would boil down to is: do you want kids enough to conbat your flaws?
I see far too many people who have children who shouldn’t have them. I feel very sorry for some of the kids I see who have harsh or neglectful parents. I believe all children should be wanted and cherished, not spawned by someone who had kids because the in-laws were nagging her or because “it’s the proper thing to do.”
It’s not easy - although it is easier now than it was 20 or 30 years ago - to openly admit you don’t want children. There are people who will look at you as if you have two heads. Then there is the tired old line: “but if you had one you would love it.” Uh, no. There are far too many abused and neglected children in the world for me to be able to believe that line.
Good luck with what ever decision you make. I can see it is one you are not taking lightly.
Well, on the one hand, I don’t know a parent who doesn’t have moments of doubt about whether he or she is really doing all that great of a job parenting. It’s nearly universal to have self-doubt on at least an occasional basis on this subject. However, I would say that before having kids, if you are not at least reasonably confident that you can be a good parent most of the time, you probably shouldn’t do it. Just my take.
Ain’t that the truth. My husband and I are very careful about who we tell about our being childless-by-choice. When asked if we have kids, we usually just give a very non-commital answer of, “No.” and don’t elaborate further.
I spent most of my life certain that I didn’t want kids because I thought i wasn’t up to such an awesome responsibility. This cost me a lot of girlfriends I can tell you since I was always up front about this.
Now that I’ve had some modest life experience under my belt (I’m 33) and have witnessed quite a bit of child rearing and feedback from parents (I come from a big family. I have 13 nieces and nephews) I think its something that I not only can handle but do quite well. I also think I have the emotional/mental/financial stability necessary.
Now I just need to find a purty, nice, smart, and witty lady that wouldn’t mind putting up with me forever.
I figure there’s little hope due to that last qualification but the quest goes on nonetheless…
I also am in the situation of not wanting kids because I don’t particularly like them and I don’t deal well with them. I don’t look at other people’s children and wistfully think to myself, “Someday…sigh” I look at other people’s children and think, “Go home! Don’t come back until you are 18!” I know kids are not for me. Even if I did one day start thinking that I might like to have them I would need to think long and hard about it because I can’t see my impatience and such just melting away into June Cleaverville someday. If you think you would be a bad parent I say don’t chance it, just lavish love upon nieces/nephews/cousins/etc. I hate kids but I love my cat and treat him like a prince among men (well, cats). Just because I treat him well doesn’t mean I would be good with children, but just because I wouldn’t be good with children doesn’t mean I don’t have love to give. This is why people have pets.
It sounds as though you’re wondering about it enough that it may be worthwhile consulting a therapist , more as a consultation than as treatment. You mentioned problems with impulse control, patience, aggression - even if you don’t have kids these would be worth exploring and would probably improve the quality of your life overall. I see such a full spectrum in my practice, people who didn’t think they wanted kids and do fine with them, people who had them because they thought they were supposed to and struggle with actively disliking them much of the time and people who are utterly obsessed with having them and yet don’t have them. I’ve never really wanted any myself, and don’t have them; because of my training I think I would likely be a “good enough” parent, but I think I’d always be working at it, that it would never just come naturally to me. I don’t want to work that hard. That said, I love my partner so much that if she really wanted one, I would do my best. I’d be more of a “dad” though, I think.
You might also want to take into account that impulse control problems may be genetically determined. I don’t know this for sure, but if they are, then you’d have a chance of passing this down to your son/daughter. Then you won’t only need to deal with your own impulse control problems, you’d have to deal with your their impulse control problems while trying to deal with your own.
There are a lot of people in the world who have worked hard on their personal flaws in order to become better parents. I know many parents who were abused as children, who have no template whatsoever on how to be a good parent and do not know any way to react besides screaming–and they try, every day, to do better than they thought they could do, because they are committed to being a loving mom or dad. A therapist might be a good idea to help with that–but the plain fact is that (barring severe mental issues) if you want to enough, you can learn to control your temper more and to be more patient. It would be hard work, but it can certainly be done; you have that choice. You are not immutably impatient and aggressive and you can choose to work on those traits.
Whether you want to do that or not, another subject, yadda yadda it’s been said already and I don’t need to repeat it.
Hubby and I got so sick of people trying to convince us that we should have children that we eventually told the most persistant ones that we were infertile and that ended the discussion.
What’s always perplexed me is that the greatest pressure to breed always came from the people who complain the most about how miserable their children make them.
