That’s when they’re the easiest!
Sort of kidding but raising toddlers and young kids is a walk in the park compared to adolescence and teenaged kids.
The ideal age to have a first child is 28 +/- two years. Additional children should be born by the time either parent (whichever one is older) is 36. Those are the ideals I have compiled in my own brain base on experience and observation. It gives both the children and the parents the best possible deal. Any younger and the parents are potentially reckless based on life experience and financial security. Any older and the parents are self-centered and the kids somewhat screwed by having older parents.
Putting off children into the late 30’s and beyond is fraught with difficulty that those going through it may not want to admit. Tens of thousands of dollars in (possibly failed) fertility treatments and then using donated eggs isn’t wrong but isn’t the ideal that most people started with. Fertility in females starts to plummet much sooner than most people realize. It begins in the late twenties and a rise in genetic diseases such as Down’s Syndrome spikes up sharply after age 35. A significant portion of celebrities, executives, and others that people see having babies in their late 30’s through earlier 40’s are having children that aren’t genetically their own through donated eggs. Again, there isn’t anything wrong with that per se but many people would have chosen a different route given other options (which they may have had at one time).
YMMV
Get a puppy – a smart breed that will make you take charge. It’s probably the closest to being a parent that you can get, and if you find yourself not being able to deal with it you can give it away and your “to have or not to have kids” question is answered.
MMDV (my mileage does vary): I completely disagree with this. I don’t think there is any such thing as an “ideal” age to have children. Each person will have the maturity and be emotionally ready to become a parent at his/her own pace – there is no magic age. I have seen my cousin deliberately become a parent at the age of 19, and I have seen my best friends adopt a newborn when they were in their early 40s: neither child has been “screwed” by the age of their parents.
Likewise, I think what you wrote about fertility treatments is crap. Many people in their late 20s need fertility treatments, and many people in their late 30s get pregnant just fine without them. Yes, it gets more complicated physically to have a baby after the age of 35 or so, but that doesn’t automatically mean fertility treatments, donated eggs, and/or birth defects. Geez. Not to mention the fact that you are solely dealing with the act of contraception – actually being a parent is the same no matter what your physical age/limitations may be.
There is an “ideal” age for having a child and it is based on biology and social factors. It obviously doesn’t apply equally to everyone but a large number of people seem to be misled about the harsh realities when it comes to late stage child rearing. People, especially females, often get tricked into thinking that any age up to 42 or so is equally fine even though it isn’t so. You might get lucky but the odds start plummeting at a sharp rate after the late 20’s for most people. It is almost comically sad with the number of couples I know that have had to resort to extreme measures to get a child, any child because they waited too long. Adopting a child from Guatemala (like two couples I know) should be great for the kids and it will work out but that wasn’t the deal that they wanted when they started.
Likewise, having kids at an early age like my parents did (21 and 22) is great for the kids from a youthful parent standpoint but today’s financial security demands usually make that less than ideal these days as well. I got to watch my parents grow up as I was doing it and that wasn’t ideal.
The question was directed towards a generalized ideal and I stand by that even though it may not be a perfect fit for everyone. I absolutely stand by the fact that many females are tricked by the media and others about how fast their biological clock is really ticking generally speaking.
Well… FWIW eschewing even the possibility of physical discipline or judicious corporal punishment puts you (IMO) into the “don’t have kids” category. There are families where the parent (and interestingly quite often the mother) will not hesitate to to enforce physical punishment on willful, misbehaving children, and the kids are generally quite polite and well behaved, and there are families where corporal punishment is meted out injudiciously and capriciously depending on the parent’s mood. Those kids often have serious discipline problems.
Corporal punishment is not “bad” or “good”. It can be either, but for it to useful, effective and non-destructive to the family and individuals, you have to wield it fairly, judiciously and appropriately. Trying to unravel the psychological Gordian Knot of the motivations of a willful, disobedient and/or destructive child who persists in acting out may work for some kids. but for others getting out the sword and cutting the “knot” of misbehavior is instructive enough.
Let’s have the corporeal punishment discussion in another thread.
For what it’s worth, my husband was terrified he would be a bad parent for reasons similar to yours (fear of frustration when dealing with an irrational person, mostly). However, both of us really wanted children and, after careful consideration and much discussion, decided to have a baby.
We have an eight-month-old son now and my husband is one of the most patient, adoring dads I’ve ever met. He knows himself very well and when he feels himself getting angry or frustrated, he hands our son to me or if I’m not there, sets him down and takes a few minutes to calm down. I can understand your fears - even as his mother, I find our son by turns the most wonderful and most annoying person I’ve ever met. But it’s gotten better and better as he’s matured and become capable of more effective communication.
Based on my limited experience, a lot of parenting, especially early on (I can’t speak for later since this is my first) is acting appropriately before you get to someplace you might do something you’ll regret later. In other words, you have to know what your breaking point is and hand the baby off or set him down in a safe place and walk away for a few minutes before you reach that place.
But having babies not for everyone. It’s a very, very scary experience sometimes and some people just don’t want kids, which is no big deal. Not everyone has to want them or even like being around them.
I agree. Women need to know this and make an informed decision. It isn’t fair, but many women DO have to choose between giving birth to kids themselves and their career. The myth of having it all is something that many women find out is a myth when it is too late for them to have their own kids.
Actually, I’ve spent quite a lot of time with dogs, and I seem to be able to handle them well. I’ve never owned one, but I had one living with me for nine days, during which he had a rather severe stomach illness that made living with him very difficult, but I never had a problem. When he woke me up at four in the morning needing to go out, I went out without delay.
I think it is because I don’t expect dogs to act rationally or to listen to reason (I can’t really ask that for them until I learn to speak Dog), but I do expect it from humans.
This just struck me as an odd expectation given how little humans act rationally and listen to reason. Sometimes, it seems, it would be more reasonable to expect this from dogs than humans; dogs’ reasoning is less complex and therefore more understandable sometimes.
Yeah, I know. I considered adding something like “in spite of all available evidence”. Never said I was rational either; in fact that’s kinda the problem.
I feel the same way as you do, Priceguy. My dad reacts to pretty much any high-emotion situation with high-snark verbal abuse and self-destruction. I don’t think he’s ever hit anyone except in self-defense, but he’s just someone you don’t want to be around because when he gets the slightest bit emotional he loses his tact. I show flashes of that in my personal relationships, and I don’t have kids. I fear that having children would turn me into that, and I feel a responsibility to society to stay childless. Not to mention that we’re severely overpopulated anyway.
I guess what it comes down to for me is that I don’t feel anyone needs to justify their reasons for wanting children or not wanting them; given that the process itself is biological, sexual, and emotional at our most basic level, having a gut feeling is good enough. So to make a long story short, I agree with several others here that, for the most part, you should have kids if you want to and not have kids if you don’t. (I don’t mean you specifically, Priceguy.) And if you think there’s some chance you could end up fucking up someone’s life by doing it, that leaves it up to your own risk-benefit analysis.
Personally, I think you shouldn’t have kids if you have any doubt about how you would control the rougher edges of your personality. And I commend you for seeing your own faults with such clarity. That said, I always thought my cousin would make a terrible father, and he’s turned out to be pretty good at it. He comes from mom’s side of the family, though, which doesn’t have any anger problems–they’re all really mellow people.
Nobody said it automatically means anything. Though I agree that it’s a bit presumptuous to give a default magic age, Shagnasty was basically saying near the end there that you’re playing the odds a little more if you wait a long time to have kids. Remember that Romeo and Juliet were 14, and if their love were more accepted they would have been expected to start having kids no more than a handful of years later. The female reproductive system was not made to handle children as late in life as most intentional pregnancies are now.
My mom was 37 when she had me. She was also on the pill when I was conceived.
I guess my point is the female reproductive system can hold surprises. To quote Jurassic Park “Life finds a way”.
Again, nobody said anything is 100%. In this case, it’s not even close. All I’m saying is what I’ve already said, and I don’t feel any need to repeat it.
Don’t know if it is much use/interest, but I just want to point out the importance of not having kids unless you are really certain that you want them and have the resources to care for them. Once you have the kid, you can’t give them back. You’re pretty much committed for the next 18 years. And you can guarantee that the time will come that they will push your buttons at a time when you are at your weakest, tiredest, most frustrated, etc.
Being a parent is by far the toughest thing I have ever done. There were many times that I found myself furious with my kids - from a baby who would not stop crying and would not go to sleep, to teenagers who gave you “that look.” I’m not proud of the fact that a number of times I had to really restrain myself from striking my kid out of anger. It is hard to believe the first time a thought crosses your mind like, “If you insist on crying, I’ll GIVE you something to cry about!”
I can remember many times thinking that if I was this angry at my kid, how much tougher would it be if I were not (reasonably) emotionally stable, financially secure, and in a stable relationship, if I had not wanted and planned for my kids, and with all of my kids reasonably healthy. Really made me understand how child abuse could happen, especially if a parent were lacking in any of those areas.
Regarding timing, we had our 3 kids when we were between 26-31. Now, at 46, I’m very glad my kids are in HS and college. Many of my friends have very young kids, and I just don’t think I would have the energy to deal with it.
I also kinda view it as when do you want to have your free time. My kids will be out of college by the time I’m in my mid 50s. Hopefully then I’ll be healthy and financially secure enough to spend some time doing whatever I want. With my kids out of college, I will have more flexibility to decide when I wish to stop working fulltime. I guess the alternative would have been to live it up in my 20s and 30s before having kids.