Throwing away your packrat SO's junk, behind their back

In My Humble Opinion
1

We’re moving this week and going through a lot of things. I hate to admit it, but I’ve tossed some of my SO’s stuff without permission. Why? Because I already know the answer, “Keep it.”

Ugh, NO!!! We do not need electric bills from 2003. We do not need the 1996 Christmas card from the Vice President of so and so company that wouldn’t know you from a hole in the ground.

Am I wrong?

I know, the polite thing to do would be to have a discussion about it. However, moving is so stressful that I’m not sure that would go over too well.

Yes, I’ve tried the “Please go through that stack over there to decide what you want to keep.” approach. The next day, I"ll find the entire stack packed in yet another box that we won’t have room for.

2

Are you me because I am going through the same thing. I’m moving in with my SO and we’re clearing out the basement of his 1982 Consumer Reports which probably rates the “radar range” very highly. The first and second set of cordless phones that were replaced because they were no longer working sit on top of a box from a computer that he no longer owns.

My friend used to be like that and his wife has broken him slowly of the packrat behavior by having him lay out the items, taking a picture of them all, then getting rid of them.

It pains him to throw it away himself but limited space requires (not so) drastic action.

3

My FIL owns a decent sized company and travels a lot for business. Standard Operating Procedures once became to get employees to throw away obviously obsolete things a few at a time (meaning hundreds or thousands of pounds of stuff) when he went on trips. We are talking green screens for computers in the 1970’s to soggy boxes of paperwork from 15 years ago to rolls of carpeting from 10 years ago with mildew in them.

I don’t understand the pack-rat mentality at all and it influences my perception of the person in question. I am an opposite of a pack-rat. I think all objects should step up to me on a regular basis and make their case why they should live on. Many can’t justify their existence and they get trashed in short order like a harsh version of the death penalty.

4

I’ve done it. I’ve even done it in the garage. He hasn’t missed those old motorcycle seats, or the spare parts for things he no longer owns.

I don’t packrat my own stuff either. Make sure you’re not tossing his useless stuff to make more room for yours. :slight_smile:

5

I’ve done it, and for even lamer stuff: really, do we need this half filled out financial aid application from 1988? Seriously, I’m not making that up. I have no problem ditching that sort of paperwork - although I don’t go near his class notes or old school papers; as an academic, he does actually need some of that stuff, and I have no idea what. But every so often he’ll dig out a paper from 10 years ago, make some revisions and publish it. I guess if I was feeling crunched for space I’d scan all that stuff, but we’re not that hard up for room yet.

What I won’t get rid of is the personal effects: love notes, pressed flowers, journals, that sort of thing. Those are his to keep or dispose of and I won’t press the issue there. I have requested that he confine them to his rather large nightstand, however, and he’s fine with that.

Now if I could only get rid of that hideous lamp that was in his childhood bedroom…but he’d kill me for that one. He’s holding onto that lamp so that someday he can put it in an authentic '70’s den. You know, when we actually have a house. I’m going to have that ugly ceramic brown and orange drippy lamp forever, I just know it.

6

Rationalize it like this: “You’re not tossing potentially needful stuff. You’re helping create the hot collectibles of 2050.”

7

Yes. I just did it. Three pairs of pants that no longer fit, and have dirt and bleach stains. We do not need them. He’s been meaning to look them over and think about whether to keep them for two months. So they’re off to the trash, thank you.
Someday I’ll make the huge collection of drugstore/grocery receipts disappear.

8

Beware the limits of technology - scanning eats up time and memory a LOT faster than papers eat up space. Until there’s an automatic book-and-document handling machine that doesn’t cost a megabuck or chew up fragile texts.

9

I would kill you if you did that to me.

And you’d better hope I won’t ever need or search for whatever you threw away. Because then, your agony would be very long and painful.

10

I would love to, but I have a feeling that if I did and if he ever realized it, he would count it as a huge betrayal. He’s terrified I’ll do it anyway, and thus will not allow me to clean/organize anything in the apartment. As a result, there are still a few corners that look like we just moved in, even though we just signed our second annual lease at this place.

11

I understand the frustration and desire to just get rid of it all, but it would be a huge betrayal if s/he ever found out. To the packrat, every thing is vitally important, or potentially so. There is no reasoning with them, unless you’ve got some psychology training. They have to see that there is a problem and be willing to fix it.

Peter Walsh (formerly of TLC’s “Clean Sweep”) has some simple, easy to understand books out that have really changed people’s lives.

12

Let’s talk about old polka records, and I’m talking so old they’re 78s. They are his mother’s–who is very much alive and kicking (sadly) and lives not a mile from us. I am tempted at times to deliver them to her door–just to see what would happen. There are only 2 of them, but the represent a much deeper problem. Happy meal toys that are missing parts (even if they’re not, I’m willing to take the hit of that opportunity cost), bits of old board games, sweaters that Bill Cosby wouldn’t have worn (but that #'s 1 and 2 sons may find a use for), old magazines etc. It’s hell.

I just toss shit. Over the past 46 years, I’ve regretted throwing 3 things–as in 3 separate items away. That’s it. For those odds, I’m willing to bear the wrath. He hasn’t regretted anything that I’ve thrown away on his behalf and w/o his knowledge. He’s a status quo kind of guy–if it’s here, he wants it to stay. If it’s gone, he doesn’t notice.

I worry most about #1 son with this. He is messy, messy, messy, despite my attempts to help him organize. He keeps stuff, too–I’m talking stuff like 12 empty (used) deodorant containers–stuff like that. My sisters had this problem–I think it’s an altered brain chemistry thing (which helps me not whap him upside the head, but still), so what’s a mother to do?

13

Missed the edit window, but to say one should bow to the packrat’s need to keep everything because it’s “vitally” important is skewing the relationship to enable a neurosis, IMO. There must be limits–we all live within limits. How it’s done is crucial, but purging and setting limits must be done.

Crap–just realized–the above post should read 12 polka records, not 2.

14

I did it. However I did it with a lot of warning.

We were moving from OH to KS and the entire basement of our house in OH was packed to the rafters with his stuff. I’m talking about a broken record player, a sweater from junior high (ugly and it no longer fit)–that caliber of stuff.

He was already in KS and I was left to sell the house, pack it up and get all four of us (two children) ready to move. I told him at the beginning of January to clean out his things or else I would have to do it by Valentine’s Day. I told him at the end of January.

After Valentine’s Day I hauled seven loads of stuff in my station wagon. Yes seven. I do not regret it a bit, he had plenty of time to do so and chose not to.

Those of you who are pack rats need to understand that to some of us your clutter is physically painful.

15

It’s a problem. For myself, I can’t see throwing away my husband’s stuff behind his back, but he’s not that bad. Yes, his closet is full of cables and monitors, and there are keyboards in the corner and so on, but when I get unhappy about it he does something. Every so often I ask him to clean something up, or if I can throw away that box now, and it happens–so it’s tolerable. While I would love to have a picture-perfect household, the fact is that I have a room stuffed with fabric too. So as long as it doesn’t cross the line, I won’t be throwing anything of his away.

But he’s not that bad; I can trust him to consider my sanity and do something about it. Plenty of people hoard to the point that it becomes unacceptable. What should a person do if the SO’s stuff is crowding out the ability to live comfortably? If your partner refuses to recognize that the stuff is taking over, if you can’t trust him to take your needs into consideration, that’s a real problem. If it gets bad enough, it can poison the relationship.

So do you try to talk about it and work it out? Do you sigh and live with it until you’re so angry you can’t take it any more? Do you try to get help for it?

I think there’s a real difference between ‘messy but tolerable’ and ‘serious hoarding problem.’ And how you react is going to have to be different. While my first reaction to the OP question is no way, that’s awful–I’m not living with drifts of paper from the 80’s, and I can really understand throwing that junk out.

We had some threads on hoarding a few months ago and it really seems that a lot of people struggle with this. :frowning:

16

My wife is a hoarder. She can not let go of anything. I threw away her bicycle and it was hard to do. I put it on the street for pickup and she snuck it back in the garage . I finally got it done at 2 am. She had not ridden it in 15 years or so. it was totally rusted and the wheels would not move. The tires had decayed and all mechanical works were rusted in place.
I try to slip a box of junk out every week. It will take a long time to remove the clutter.

17

I agree. I am extremely cautious about doing anything behind my SO’s back - that’s too much like betrayal. However, I don’t have the OP’s problem; neither one of us is a packrat/hoarder. So I don’t know whether it’s wrong or not.

18

Sigh - Himself and I are very similar in our packrat natures. When I clean, I do throw out his crap. Likewise, he tries to get me to do something about mine. Neither of us are very sucessful.

19

Huge Betrayal. Relationship Ender.

That’s my personal opinion and attitude. If you throw away my stuff without my permission, you are destroying my property and disrespecting me in a big way.

You want it gone, make the effort to talk to me about it. At the very least, pick and chose what you want gone, discuss it and give me a chance to tell you why I don’t want it thrown. A box of old magazines may be nothing, or they could be my Dragon Magazines #30 through #100 (which I have), which would be worth well more than their collective cover prices if I sold them. A box of old records might appear to contain nothing but old utility and credit card bills, but at the bottom of it, you’d find the important papers from my divorce, which I might need if my psycho ex-wife decided to do something completely insane, then lie about things (as she’s done before) that I could easily prove a lie if I had those records.
Back in 2000 on my last IT job, a woman from another area, who I didn’t know, was at the desk of a co-worker talking about how her husband was in Europe for two months and she was going to use this opportunity to get rid of all his guns and his hunting equipment, because she didn’t like it, and she knew he’d never give them up. I told her straight out that this was a divorce in the making, and why. She retorted that her husband loved her too much, and if he wanted to keep living with her, he’d just have to deal with it.

About six weeks later, she was back at the co-worker’s desk, bawling her head off. Her husband had come home a couple of days previously, walked into the bedroom to unload his suitcase and noticed his stuff gone. When she informed him of what she’d done, he repacked his suitcase, left the house, found a lawyer the next morning and filed for divorce.

“How could he do this to me!”

I had no sympathy. I pointed out that I had warned her that this would happen and that he didn’t do anything to her, she did it to him. My co-worker was rather unhappy with me, cornering me later and telling me that this woman needed support right now, not blame. Nope, sorry. She did a shitty thing, I told her it would happen, it did. You reap what you sow.

Now maybe you’re not talking the same kind of thing, but as I noted in my description of some of my stuff, what it looks like on the surface is not always what it is. If you destroy my stuff behind my back, you’re showing me that you don’t respect me enough to deal with it honestly and as an adult, and that you don’t respect my property. That ain’t love.

20

I think we’re talking about at least 2 different things here, maybe three.

What the woman did re the guns etc was wrong (I don’t even like guns, but I’d never do that. Then again, I’d never marry a guy who was into guns, but I digress). I think we all agree that her actions constituted betrayal and displayed an almost pathological need for control. I doubt anyone here (including the OP) is advocating for such a thing.

Most of us are in this murky middle ground–the stuff is shit, we know it’s shit, but for whatever reason, SO can’t let go. I don’t throw out sentimental stuff-he still has his white all metal Tonka tow truck (it still works) for example. But old bills from 1987? Popular Science mags ditto? Old Penthouses? VHS tapes of Land Before Time? ebay is not the answer to all clutter.

Then there is true weirdsville–the hoarders. I feel bad for these people, but IMS, it is related to OCD and needs to be addressed either medically or via therapy.

So, it’s a spectrum. What used to get to me was the constant-ness of it. I would get the house to some semblance of reasonable un-clutteredness and either we’d have another child or he’d fill up the space with more crap. Now that our youngest is 10, I have finally (just now) cleaned and stored the pre-school toys we want to keep (for grandkids) and pitched the rest. He had trouble with that–he wasn’t ready to admit that we no longer have small children. Me, I’m waiting with bated breath for the 10 year old to move out! :slight_smile: