Tiny, Insignificant Things That Tick You Off

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

People who carry on “elevator door conversations”. Two women ride up to the third floor engaged in a lengthy conversation. Abigail gets off at the third floor, but Moira, bound for the seventh floor, holds the elevator door open so she can finish telling the latest office dirt to Abigail.

This doesn’t usually happen when there are others still aboard the elevator, but if someone on another floor has pushed the UP button numerous times with no result the result is an unending wait while someone is demonstrating the art and science of thoughtlessness.

All elevators should have a light and a buzzer that tells those aboard that someone else wants to use the elevator, and please let those doors close.

Redondo Beach City Hall, all of five stories in height including underground parking, I am thinking of you.

102

I’m still trying to understand why would someone who ever has time in her hands pay for those. What, there are no trees near your house? You can go to the forest and pick a few branches off the floor, or ask the town’s gardeners to let you rummage through their cuttings when they trim the trees; if you want them painted, the nearest DIY store has pots of paint in many colors. Actually, your own children’s temperas or watercolors work fine.

Maybe they’re just not into DIY, I guess.
I do not think that being annoyed by people who stop right at the end of the escalator is absurd. I recently had to change trains in Atocha; in theory, there were 53 minutes between the first and second trains, but the first one was running late. I was on the platform with the stewardess; people started coming over to ask how much longer would it be, as most needed to switch trains too (if you miss a connection because the first train was late, they let you get on the next train that has an opening, but for some routes there’s only one train each day). Everybody was upset but polite, most said “I’m not blaming you, eh, I’m getting angry here but I know it’s not your fault!” At one point I managed to get everybody to laugh and relax a bit when I described what we had to do in order to switch trains:

“OK, so grab your luggage, which will probably be as big as mine or larger, that’s if you don’t have more than one bag; get it and yourself off the train without breaking your back, falling onto the tracks or doing somersaults; run toward the gates as fast as your monster suitcase allows; the stupid gate doesn’t open because its detection range is too narrow, so you have to stop and jump up and down while waving your hand, which is made more difficult by having the monster suitcase in one hand and your handbag hanging from the other shoulder; there is an elevator there but customers can’t use it, so you need to cross a river of people which is about the size of the Rhein and moves faster; another set of doors which refuse to open; then get on the flat escalator; when it ends, there is inevitably a moron who stops there wondering what to do, well you idiot you need to turn to your right and take the second part of the escalator, preferably before I run you over and lemme tell you my monster suitcase is bigger than your monster suitcase; if the idiot doesn’t move on time you either manage to twist your way around him without causing major damage or run them over with a yelled-over-your-shoulder “sorry!” which actually sounds like “go fuck off someplace else, preferably some tracks with an incoming high speed train, you douche”; then the next flat elevator with another moron on the other side; then the security checkpoint, show your ticket, place your bags on the machine’s belt, get through, hopefully not be told to assume the position, grab your bags, go through another door that does not open unless you stop and wave, check out the information screens to see whether your train is already announced, yes it is, aaaargh, of course it’s on track 15 which is the farthest one, run over as fast as the monster suitcase allows, get there out of breath and there is some moron who can’t find his ticket and is blocking the door. And you don’t even kill him, but mostly it is because you’re out of breath. And by the way, since we went through security when we got on this train, can anybody explain why can’t we just walk from here to the next train without having to cross the river and run over some idiot who doesn’t know how to get off an escalator?”
Woman who had to take a train to Valencia: “No idea, but you can bet it’s for our security! :p”
Greek chorus: “Oooooh yeah!”

Oh, and when I got to gate 15, there was both an idiot who couldn’t find his ticket and a couple who didn’t know how to fold the stroller; judging by the amount of baby stuff, these were first time parents. The people checking tickets got those to step to the side so the lest of us could get through before the end of the month, yay for them. But seriously, running over someone who stands right at the end of an escalator in a busy train station or airport ought’a be legal.

103

The cyclists, when arriving at a red light, who don’t want to lay one foot on the ground. So they engage into that silly jerky choreography where they go as slow as possible, in precarious balance, zig-zagging as they wait for the green light.

When they do that, I have the urge to kick their rear wheel.

104

I have lived here in LA all my life and have lived through numerous earthquakes, and I can say with certainty that the worst thing about a quake comes when you turn on the TV to get information and hear some variation of these phrases:

“A whole lotta shakin’ going on!”

“Shake, rattle and roll!”

“All shook up!”

I think many people born after the Fifties will have no cultural connection with these words, and wonder why TV reporters are so fond of them.

105

When I’m on the train and I have a book in my lap and headphones on, I don’t want to be disturbed. That means I’m NOT going to lend you my cellphone so your drunk ass can call your wife to come pick you up at the station. It’s 7:30 in the morning, for fuck sake!

People who say the same stupid joke every time all the time. I was at my friend’s house and the neighbor was going somewhere. “where are you going?” cried his boy of 10 years old. “crazy” The Father Of Wit said. Hahahahhaah!!! Then repeat this conversation about 4 more times until the moronic kid figures out he’s not going to say.

Those commercials on the radio with those two annoying people talking. Yes, ALL of them. Especially ones with car horns or police sirens in them.

When “People” use “quotes” for “emphasis”.

When I’m sitting at an intersection, I hate it when the pedestrian monkeys bang on the walk sign over and over again as if it will make the light change faster. It doesn’t. It’s probably fake anyway.

Newscasters who try to use banter during the newscast. It’s wooden and forced and everyone knows it. Stop trying.

106

Air quotes. OMG, please please don’t.

107

It’s ハーフ (ha-fu). As in, half-American, half-Japanese. Or half-American, half-Canadian, etc etc.

This freaks some foreigners out. ‘It’s an English word! Clearly the Japanese are calling my child half-human!’

No they aren’t you idiot douche. It’s a Japanese word, and it means ‘someone with parents from two different countries’’. Get over yourself and your pwecious widdle ‘double’ child. I friggen’ hate pretentious prima donna parents that go out of their way to manufacture insults to their devil spawn.

Just because English doesn’t have one nice convenient term for people with parents from different countries doesn’t mean Japan can’t have one. Go play in traffic.

108

I’m driving in the left lane of a two-lane road, approaching a red light. There are no cars ahead of me in my lane, but two cars ahead of me in the right lane. The second car in the right lane zips into the left lane, in front of me, so he can be first in line at the red light.

It’s a good thing I don’t tote a weapon.

mmm

109

People who misuse the phrase “per se” make me twitch violently. Yeah, yeah, it’s become common usage, whatever. It is still extremely annoying. I worked with a guy who would do this all the time and it drove me freakin’ nuts.

110

Apparently boards people who ignore other people’s arguments, especially when at levels of authority.

And people being jerkish under disguise of being “curt.” There’s a reason that word sounds as nasty as it does.

111

The fact that we, as a species, just can’t seem to agree on any common or fixed standard - even when it would be easy to do, and would be immensely beneficial to all concerned. We can’t agree what side of the road to drive on, or which side of the car has the steering wheel. We can’t agree whether the numbers on a keypad should go down (like on a phone) or up (your computer). We can’t agree what sort of plug or socket electrical devices should use, or the voltage. I find that the more travelling I do, the more these and a hundred other inconsistencies have come to annoy me. It seems that wherever there is a chance to do something a different way, just to be different, someone somewhere long ago took that option. Instead of, you know, just saying ‘Hey, it would make life easier for everyone if we all just agreed to do this the same way’.

I also find it impossible to watch TV news because I’m so distracted by the institutionalised inefficiency. We start with a guy reading the news who could, in theory, just tell me what’s been happening. Instead, he introduces a subject and then hands over to a ‘correspondent’ or ‘editor’ of some description. This new person tells me a bit more, but then might say something like, ‘So-and-so has this report’ and cues some spurious piece of on-the-spot reporting that adds nothing. I know that occasionally the on-the-spot pictures have some dramatic value, but in 95% of cases it’s just a reporter standing somewhere boring and saying the news event happened nearby - in other words, there is nothing to actually see now. All I need is for the first guy, the one reading the autocue in the studio, to tell me the day’s news.

Oh, and yes, the apostrophe thing. I know it’s a lost cause now, and our species has decided it just doesn’t matter, but I just don’t know what is so hard about using apostrophes correctly.

112

I am riding my bike. You are loitering on the sidewalk. You, as I ride past: ‘Hey, shorty, can I ride with you?’
I am beyond sick of hearing this. No, you may not. Has that ever worked?? Guys who honk at female pedestrians and yell some ‘smart’ come-on as they drive past, same question. Stop it.

113

“Workin’ hard, or hardly workin’? Ga-hyuk! Ain’t I funny and original?”

Joe

114

The word “snack”.

115

No shit. “Reporting LIVE!!! from the bank that was robbed at 8 o’clock this morning, even though it’s now 11 at night! We’re so awesome! It’s LIVE!!!1!” What has been accomplished here besides wasting time and resources?

And… one of the credos in broadcast news is that the anchors and reporters are supposed to use normal, everyday language in order to appear natural, as if they are carrying on a normal conversation with the viewer. First of all, have you ever seen a news report that doesn’t sound completely rehearsed? But forget that - my gripe is with all the stupid cutesy puns and names they use in their effort to “be natural.” An example that comes to mind: here in the Pacific NW, three cities apparently have nicknames - Seattle is “the emerald city,” Portland is “the rose city,” and Spokane is “the lilac city.” I learned this from watching the news. In their effort to appear natural, they use these stupid names all the time. But, not once in real life have I ever heard someone refer to these cities by these nicknames. If someone told me they were going to visit “the emerald city” this weekend, I think I’d have to tell them, straight to their face, that they’re retarded.

116

We have a winner! This is the silliest entry so far and, as your prize, you may choose a snack of your choice.

d&r

117

The signing of emails with “best.” What does that even mean? “My very best to you”? Well then say that. “I’m best and you’re shit”? Well, fuck you too, then.

What it really means, I have decided, that retarded managers see other retarded managers they admire using it, and decide it’s the in thing to put in their emails, so they do it. Regardless of how meaningless it is.

118

I do a lot of photography, and I get something similar from the same girls…the “Charlie’s Angels” pose. It’s similar, except they put both their hands together to make a gun. I’ve adopted a new policy: “No guns.” Then I lower my camera and wait.

119

Does it piss me off when I hear a news correspondant or radio talk show host or guest make their point by asking a question?

Yes, it does.

Just say what you want to say as a damn statement!

120

Netflix envelopes where the movie description gives away serious spoilers.