The Onion posted some useful advice for those embarking on their college careers. Does anyone have something to add to the list?
“Never eat anything you can’t pronounce.”
No, wait, that’s the “Backpacking through Europe” advice. 
Let’s see…
Socially, college and university is among the best it ever gets. Enjoy!
You might as well start crying now. You’re going to fail that calculus mid-term no matter how hard you study for it.
And make sure when you go to the professor to get extra points, you make sure to remind him that you REALLY have to get an A out of the class. Remember to throw in your medical school aspirations. He will not have ever heard this. Your originality will convince him of your intellectual prowess.
Make sure that when you talk to your parents, you always emphasize how poor you are. They will forget you don’t. Just make sure that you aren’t calling them on an expensive cell phone plan, from a swanky bar, and that you aren’t looking like you just fell out of an Ambercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
On move-in day, wear shorts.
There will be long lines at registration. This is not something to complain about. It’s a great way to meet people. Bring something to drink.
Bring: Plastic tumblers, at least two boxes of tissues, Febreze, and a wall calendar.
Long lines at registration? Is this 1990?
Now you only have to worry about the server going down on registration
Sign up for as many 8am classes as possible. This will free up your afternoons for homework and studying.
Ooh, good one.
Start thinking of your résumé NOW. Even start writing it. Put your certificates in one place. Or 3 years now you’ll be wondering “when was I a leader?”
The government expects everyone to default on their tuition loans and they forgive those as soon as you graduate, so make sure you borrow at least as much as the balance you have on all your low interest rate student credit cards.
Uhhh…I think a few of you didn’t actually read the article in the OP. 
True story.
When my wife was preparing for college she asked her sisters if they had any advice.
Sister 1: “Bring a book with you to drop/add classes.” (this was in 1982, where you had to stand in line to enroll or drop out of a class)
Sister 2: “Never go upstairs at a frat party.”
The red light on the video camera means that it is off.
You worked hard for that high school letterman’s jacket. Let your new friends know how cool you were, wear it every waking moment. Doubly so for the women.*
*Yes, I really did have a student her wore her jacket freshman year.
You don’t want to make too many new friends too soon. Be sure to head back home every weekend and hang out at your old high school as much as possible.
Professors know how exciting and novel college can be so don’t worry about going to every single class. Just drop by their office every once in a while to see if you missed anything. And don’t worry about office hours. Those are for the lame students.
Hang out near the high school closest to your college. It’s a great place to ‘ease into’ your college social life.
For men - What better way to learn about women than to major in Women’s Studies?
Women’s Studies classes are the easiest places to pick up chicks!
…that’s what SHE said! :eek:
If you think you’ll fail a class, don’t stay in the class just because the professor is hot.