I’ve never used the sites, but I wonder why everyone is having so much trouble. If I am looking for a 45ish athletic build who is a non-smoking liberal who wants to fuck on the second date if everything goes right, but not looking to get married, don’t the search results give me the closest matches in my area?
I understand that it is not like using a search feature on Amazon, but what are some of the issues you all encounter? Do the results not meet the search criteria? Did people lie on their profiles? Perhaps what you consciously think you want and thus put in the search box isn’t really what you want?
IOW, say you just got out of a bad relationship and all you want right now is casual sex. Do you feel bad for putting that on there and say “looking for a relationship”?
45, athletic, non-smoker, and liberal are often searchable criteria; for the other part, you’re on your own. Tinder (a smart-phone app) was, I gather, originally geared toward folks looking for a short-term hookup, but it seems to have shifted more toward those looking for a more lasting relationship.
Once you find the profile of someone you want to meet, it’s not always easy to find something to say to a complete stranger. I’m a guy, so the biggest issue is just finding someone who will write back if I contact her. I’ve heard that women have the opposite problem; lots of incoming messages and only a few worth replying to.
I’m not looking for casual sex, and a relationship isn’t something you can just pick out of a catalog.
The technology is helpful, and can introduce you to a lot of potential partners, but it’s not perfect. You either find someone you want to be with, and who wants to be with you, or you don’t. If you can figure out the answer to that, I’ll sign up on your website.
The problem is rarely the site and usually its users; people lie outright or to themselves about their build, their height, their age, their intent, their past, their income, their availability and their interests. They’ll be attracted to someone whose intent doesn’t match theirs and decide to see if that person’s worth lying to or changing for or trying to change the other’s person’s intent.
And that’s the people who KNOW they want to meet someone in person; those who aren’t sure will waste tons of other people’s time trying them on for size online or in text before fading away till they’re bored again. That’s why I’ve had to institute a strict ‘No Second Chances’ policy for myself; if they lied or flaked on communication once I have to call it or I will inevitably end up frustrated w/ wasted time. Life’s too short to wait for someone to decide if they’re interested in you clothed w/o seeing of pics of you naked, much less to explain why they stood you up w/o notice.
But I’m upright about that in any dating profile or am making a first date plan in person from a Meetup group (I will have gotten to know the guy before getting to that stage). It’s been a long time since I wound up dating a guy who isn’t for me while trying to change him for weeks/years (which makes both people miserable).
I tried match.com once. Some friends of mine talked me into it. I’m female and I was 58 at the time.
I got absolutely nothing out of it. Maybe I wasn’t doing it right or something. I’m physically fit, attractive and slender with a nice figure. I put up some nice photos and what I thought was a good profile. I never initiated any contacts but I “liked” a whole bunch of profiles, hoping for a response.
I saw that lots of men in their late 50’s and early sixties would claim that they were looking for a woman between 35 - 60 or 65. But I think they were all really looking for 35-45, but if they said that it would make them look shallow.
They had some really stupid and annoying questions to answer as part of the profile. Stuff like if you prefer cats or dogs. And there were 2 choices for smoking preferences and they were phrased something like A. I don’t care if you chain smoke like a chimney B. Smokers are dirty pigs and I wouldn’t let one within 10 feet of me. Absolutely no way to say, “Constant smoking bothers me, but I’m not going to care if you sneak one every now and then”.
I had some guys contact me but they were all over 70, really overweight, or scams. Like the gorgeous 35 yr guy from halfway across the country that saw my profile and knew I was special. And apparently a lot of the old dudes in Florida retirement communities spend their Friday nights hitting up women on match.com.
One of the over 70 guys seemed interesting. He was reasonably good looking and active in some good political causes. I exchanged a couple of messages with him and included a link to a nice profile piece a journalist friend did on me for a local online publication. He didn’t tell me much about himself in his responses or answer my questions. He just kept asking bunch more questions about my likes and dislikes. It didn’t really feel conversational, I felt like he was trying to determine if I was “good enough” to bother with before telling me about himself. I lost interest and stopped responding.
And that was pretty much my experience. Also,(unless something’s changed in the last few years) be aware that if you have a free account on POF, you’ll get emails claiming that Loverboy777 or FartFace or other specific users want to meet you. They’re fake, POF is just trying to trick you into signing up for a paid account.
I wanted to add that I really just wasn’t into it. I tried it because some friends swore by it but at this point in my life I have a take it or leave it attitude towards dating. That may factor into my experience.
Match was the best fit for me. No matter which you use it gets to be frustrating at times. Match seemed to have the biggest number of choices. PoF and OKCupid felt like a vast wasteland. Filled with women I was not interested in at all. I have no idea why. Zoosk kept trying to pair me up with women that were more than 50 miles away for some reason. Never once matched me with someone local.
It’s all just a crapshoot. I know my chances of meeting someone randomly were about zero. Whatever method it takes to get that first date doesn’t matter. After that it’s just dating. My very first date on Match became a 5 year relationship that I thought was going to be it for me. Since then I’ve had a few shorter term relationships. It works a hell of a lot better than hoping for fate.
Just out of curiosity, but why not initiate contact? If it wasn’t working for you the way it was, change things up. If you only respond to the guys who contact you first, you’ll only meet the kind of guys who contact you first.
I’m a guy and this was me several years ago. At first I tried a free personals site — Yahoo!, IIRC — while also accepting that the likelihood of finding a quality friend and soulmate was low. Which was okay at first because after 12 years of marriage and loyalty I simply wanted to go out on a date or three. I wasn’t looking for sex by the 2nd or 4th date, I had 3 grade-school children and did not want to complicate or confuse their lives. I needed to get used to basic, light dating, and conversing and interacting in that mode.
The free site served its purpose very well. I dated several ladies briefly, and one lady more extendedly. It was a good starting point for me.
If that’s your purpose Zyada then maybe that approach can work. Good luck in your searching and dating.
So long as both people know before they meet that one or both are basically dipping a toe into the dating pool for their own peace of mind, they’re golden. It’d probably lead to great conversations about themselves and their hopes.
I want to repeat this cause sometimes stuff like this just doesn’t occur to people…community theatre is a good way to expand your social circle and you don’t even particularly have to be good to get involved on SOME level. Whether costumes, props…background. Theres all sorts of niches to fill. And its a good way to meet people.
Like I said in an edit to my post, I think that’s because I just wasn’t into it. It would’ve been nice if someone had noticed me, but I just didn’t feel more than lukewarm about ANY profile I saw. The whole paradigm just doesn’t work for me, I think. I need to met people in person. If I try anything like that again I’ll do Meetup.
I’ve tried online dating off and on on more platforms and for way longer than I care to count and/or admit. Ann Hedonia’s experience is pretty much my experience. (Except I would initiate/have initiated contacts.) It’s been a huge waste of money and time.
That said, it does work for some people. The paid sites tend to weed out some of the worst of the lot.
I know it’s mentally and emotionally exhausting to acquaint yourself w/ strangers enough to see if there’s interest. But that’s the human condition and this is the only life we are sure we get; find a Meetup whose activities feed your brain as much as being w/ that group drains you.