olivesmarch4th, I fully sympathize with you… And am glad that things turned out for the better, even if after way too long. That’s kind of how it is on this end. She’s grown up, and even though the past cannot be undone, the benefits of being on speaking terms outweigh the benefits of dropping her and her side of the family entirely.
Laudenum, stepfather made it very clear from the beginning that this was a gift, and something that he was proud to do for his children (that’s plural). I appreciate this gift wholeheartedly, and wish that there were more step-parents like him out there.
Granted, he was also away at work for what seemed like 90% of my childhood… But, eh. I can respect that, as well as the fact that you can actually hold an intelligent conversation with him. As Kimstu mentioned, he’s another reason to not cut ties with the family.
Thanks for commenting, guys. This thread’s just making me realize, more and more, that one can’t be forgetting the good things.
She doesn’t have an obligation to pay him back, but she certainly does have an obligation to treat him kindly. He voluntarily and graciously forked over a boat load of money to educate someone he wasn’t related to by blood. The education he helped provide will help her stand on her own two feet, which is essential in maintaining the emotional and physical distance from her mother.
To the OP, living well may be the best revenge but living happily is a sweeter one. Good luck to you.
I’m on excellent terms with my mother, but I barely call her once a month. No reason, that’s just how my family is and we’re all happy like that. You should be calling your mother a lot less than I do.
She has the same obligation to treat him kindly that she has to treat all human beings kindly. Gifts that come with obligations are not gifts, and she has stated that this was a gift. (Of course, she also stated that he is not really the problematic person: he isn’t using his gift to manipulate her or suddenly reclassing it as a loan.) She’s also given no indication that she has been unkind to any of these people, ever.
The OP was the recipient of extraordinary generosity. She was also the victim of a ton of abuse. Those two things neither go together nor mitigate each other. Being given a college education and being given a pet rock obligate exactly the same response: thank you. Nothing further. It’s normal for such a generous gift to occur in the context of a more complex relationship, and that is what determines her future obligations. Not the cash value of what she’s received. The OP seems well aware of this and I don’t see any evidence that she’s behaved badly wrt the stepfather.
The only obligation she may have to treat him kindly is if he treats her kindly. The money is irrelevant. If he paid for her education and then treated her like shit, the money does not entail her putting up with it. No matter how you look at it, the money is irrelevant to their personal relationship.
Otherwise, please provide a price list. How much money gets you kind treatment from a child or step child you’ve:
[ul]
[li]Otherwise ignored?[/li][li]Emotionally abused?[/li][li]Physically abused?[/li][li]Sexually abused?[/li][li]Whose mother you have mistreated?[/li][/ul]
Not that the OP’s stepfather has done any of these things. Only to point out that in a [step]parent/child relationship, money confers no enforceable obligations of any kind. Spend a million bucks on my education and then punch my mom in the face, I’m still taking my mom’s side over yours. [Hypothetical; my mom’s a monster.]
I have lived your story. I just spread the abuse out over about sixty years before I did anything about it. I’m sisty-six now.
My mother is still living and will still be abusive if I let her.
We relate best by telephone. I call her once a week. If she becomes hateful or cruel, I tell her that we will talk again next week and I hang up. (She is 97 and lives in assisted care.)
She lives less than three hours away, but I visit her only once a year at most. If she becomes abusive, I leave.
I acknowledge that I can both love and hate her at the same time and I frequently do. She has been both loving and very cruel. For a year or two I have turned down any gifts of money from her. (I know that she can’t shop for me; that’s not a problem.)
You have to make your own rules for yourself. I understand that your baby-sibling makes quite a difference. The abusive remarks are going to continue to come from your mother, I assume. How you handle them will be what you have control over.
Wow. I feel so bad for those of you who had to endure such hell, and admire those of you who emerged from it and built a life. And I appreciate my wonderful parents all the more.
I used to know a woman whose mother was a bit questionable as a parent (but was probably tolerable) but whose paternal grandfather is something of a bastard. He got extremely wealthy from the scrap metal business. He set up a trust fund for each of his granddaughters, which they were to get at 18. Or 20. No, wait, 22. Actually, 25. And by that, I mean 30. He kept moving the age back just before they turned those ages. But he never let them forget that he was doing them a huge favor, and that they owed him big time for it. They owed him their undying loyalty. They owed him unquestioning love.
Finally, the young woman in question had had enough. She sued her grandfather for her trust fund – and won. She then met a great girl (a relationship that her grandfather would have disowned her for), bought a house with the money, moved the girlfriend in, broke up with her, then lost the house. Oh well.