To: My Beloved Co-Workers. Re: An Interesting Odour

Dear and Cherished Co-Workers:

As many of you are aware, I am guilty of being a smoker. This means that my sense of smell is not quite as acute as a healthily-habited person’s is. However, even I have noticed that these days the fridge contains a certain odour which wafts gently upward as I open the door, an odour that carries with it a lethal, though subtle, impression of rot and decay.

To me, it is most likely the long-departed remains of something that was once in the citrus family. However, I’m not quite sure, and I’m scared to check further. But courage, and duty, both say I must.

Wish me luck. I’m going in this afternoon.

Oh, and this is all just a long-winded reminder for us all to occasionally check the fridge for the ghosts of lunches uneaten past.

For those of you eagerly anticipating the dénouement of the Curious Odour in the Workplace Fridge, your brave explorer can now report:

It was once an orange. Well, it was, one long-ago day, a half-orange, to be precise. I located it near the back of the fridge, lurking in the shadows, covered in dark green mould, and quivering in a rather menacing fashion. Gingerly, I poked it. It hissed at me.

I donned a hazmat suit, and proceeded forth.

After a fight the likes of which would make that chick in Kill Bill (both parts I and II) proud, I captured the embodiment of evil itself, and wrestled it into a plastic garbage bag. Then I sat back, smug, and most pleased with my initiative.

I didn’t realize, however, that it, the Quivering Essence of Organic Evil, had backup.

My friends, if you thought the former-citrus was stomach-churning, you have no idea what inner strength I needed to summon in order to dispatch the…


My shudders make it difficult to type, even now. But it does not matter. You see, there are no words I’ve deemed adequate enough to relay the final battle.

I will be back shortly.

I need a cigarette.
Until the next time,

I recommend two: one for each nostril.

Good luck and Og speed, Savannah. It is a far, far better thing that you do, than you have ever done.

They probably escaped the cooler of death.

Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Dammit! Missed it by two minutes.