Oh hell, think of the backup THAT would cause. Cars all over the median and the road with deceased drivers. Tow trucks would not be able to remove the DG (dead gawkers) cars fast enough. It would drop the cost of a used car, and raise the cost of replacement windshields and upholsery stain removers and cleaning supplys.
Osip
What a wonderful image to brighten up a Monday morning.
And Fuck Violent J.
By the way, a few flames should be thrown towards:
Motorcycle riders that love to ride 20 mph over the speed limit and weave in and out of traffic. Trust me, when I see your carcass spread out all over the highway a mile down the road, I’ll be sure to do the right thing and drive around!
You might think you are a badass motorcycle rider on your cheapass Japanese moped, but maybe you should follow the example of TRUE badasses: biker gang members who I almost always see travelling in numbers, staying in the same lane, and going the speed limit. Maybe the local chapter of the Hell’s Angels will also see your sorry ass lying on the side of the road, and do the right thing as well . . . beat you to death!
Maniac, pill popping truck drivers. Look, we all know you need to make your run on time or you don’t get paid . . but the next time you tailgate that little car already going 70 mph, PLEASE keep in mind that whoever is in that car has a family and must eat too- and not out of a straw!! And as for you, yeah that chick checking her makeup in that Geo Storm . . PULLING IN FRONT OF AN BARRELING 18 WHEELER THAT IS 20 TIMES THE SIZE OF YOUR KIDDIE-CAR FROM THE LEFT LANE TO THE RIGHT LANE TO MAKE AN EXIT- not bright.
Speeding cops. I love when I’m driving down the highway, and a cop wizzes by me at 90 mph without his emergency siren lights flashing. Hey, Pig Boy, I know you are above the law and all that, but if you really feel a need to speed, at least have the courtesy to flash your lights . . so that you don’t rub it in and I can get the FUCK out of the way!!!
Also, a special FU to that PA State trooper who was tailgating me on Rte 93 outside of Hazleton who decided to pass me on a 2 lane highway . . and almost wiped out 4 cars and himself with three cars coming the other way!!! Sorry I wasn’t going 60 mph for you . . seeeing that the speed limit was 45 and I didn’t want a ticket!!!
Nice example of safe driving, Flatfoot.
Inner city teenage bicyclists. Here is a clue: it is NOT a good idea to ride a bike across the street, against traffic, on a busy street!
Even a dumber idea: PULLING OUT IN TRAFFIC FROM BETWEEN TWO PARALLEL PARKED CARS INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.
Not seeing you in time since I have a reaction time of less than 1/100th of a second, I will hit you when you pull out in front of me. Then most likely your drug addicted, alcoholic single mother who never had the time to properly raise you because she was too busy whoring herself to the locals for crack money will find some scumbag ambulance chaser to sue me, and take everything I own, and have MY ass thrown in jail for manslaughter.
Now that’s not fair! Nobody else is supposed to be able to hear the jokes I tell myself inside my head!!!
Yes, merely gently tugging at your chain(sic).
Thanks for being amused rather than offended.
b.
P.S. Vinnie, I couldn’t have agreed more. Maybe we should propose this column as the basis for a “driving for dummies” book, you think? we’ve certainly covered most of the important bases.
Have your people call my people and we’ll do lunch! 