To the moderators

I’m a message board virgin. I’ve never browsed or posted on any message board before I found this one.

So, ever since I started lurking on these boards more than four years ago, and finally joined this year, a question has been nagging me:

Do the moderators actually read every post in every thread on their board, or do they just respond to user complaints?

I just want to understand the job of the almighty mod, so I can model my life after them. I want to be a mod when I grow up.

Well, first of all I am going to move this post to About This Message Board where it would better belong.

To answer for myself: I do not read every post in my forums. I try to read, or at worst skim, every OP (though I can’t always). I am fortunate to serve forums that interest me, so I do a lot of reading and just keep an eye out. I also respond to reported posts as well, which is the best way to get a moderator’s attention.

I pay fluiddruid to do my reading for me. She gets a farthing per word.

Most of the moderators pay fluiddruid to do their reading, as they cannot read themselves. Several of them can’t even tie their own shoes, hence the extremely popular saying, “Like a Dope Moderator’s slip ons!”

The admins, tho, are a different breed altogether. Or should I say species? They are not Human, but are super evolved jellyfish with microprocessor enhanced manipulative organs. This explains the even more excessively popular saying, “Like a Dope Admin crapping in the deep blue sea!”

Of course, the real power on these boards is held by the MPSIMS Guru, Bosda d-chi of Tricor, or whatever the hell his username is. He holds ultimate veto power on any descision made on these boards, weilding that power like a wet trout to the back of a head. This explains the ultimate saying of popularity, namely, “Where’s Bosda?”

Just thought I’d help.

I pay SkipMagic to pay fluiddruid to read my posts for…wait a minute…

Actually, my method is similar to fluiddruid. Skim, look at titles (you can tell a lot about a post by the title) and then rely on you to report the rest.

And I try to respond to the posters who report bad posts after I determine the best course of action.

A fine choice of [sub]underachiever[/sub] career there, my friend…

Or sometimes just farthing in the deep blue sea.

I can’t afford either Skip Magic’s or fluiddruid’s mark-up for reading.

I try to read all the posts in every thread in the Pit every day but most often it just ain’t possible. Pesky stuff like work gets in the way. Maybe I could read and post from work but I don’t. It’s just a really lousy idea for me for a lot of reasons. That means that I usually don’t get caught up until evening, by which time a lot of problems have already been caught and solved.

Anyway, that means a lot of reading in a relatively short period of time. I don’t kid myself that such fast skimming equals precision. That’s why I appreciate the ‘report this’ function so much. Too much negative emphasis is put on ‘tattling’. A lot of reports are for routine coding fixes, housekeeping things, etc. that we’re happy to do but might miss. Reports are a huge help in drawing our attention to problems fast. “Clean up in aisle four!” isn’t entirely a joke.

My biggest regret is that crunched time doesn’t allow more thanks to posters who do report problems.

Don’t be misled by our nifty black outfits. Crappy faux leather doesn’t breathe, y’know? We aren’t fascists by nature; it’s just the damned chafing.

<puts NoClueBoy on The List.>

Hence the oft-heard expression, “HEY! Watch where you put those microprocessor enhanced manipulative organs! Thanks for warming them up first! 'Preciate it – now I have an igloo on my crotch! Hey! HEY! That does not go there!”

As with others, I do a lot of skimming. Some threads I stay on top of because either they interest me or I can tell they might be trouble. Members reporting issues is pretty much indispensable to me.

And, I can too tie my own shoes, though sometimes I must extricate myself from the fish tank following the adventure.

I generally use a chi compass and the severed head of a chicken to determine which posts need my attention. I used to use Spider-Sense a lot more, but it just doesn’t tingle the way it used to since the board went pay-to-play. I pay fluiddruid to tie my shoes for me.

Oh, shoot, I wasn’t supposed to tell you I was a mod! Oops…

For me, it varies by forum, content, and what my life is like that day. I tend to read every post in Comments on Staff Reports. I certainly read reported posts in Cafe Society, and I read threads where I have an interest.

Thank you very much, almighty mods for giving me an insight on the life that I can only hope to lead.

Until that day comes, I will take it upon myself to act as a moderator in every office conversation regardless of the fact that I might not be actually involved in said conversation.

My cow-orkers will inevitably appreciate me for this and will sing praises and name their children in my image.