Today's Driver's Ed. Lesson

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Rule #1: It’s in poor taste to go faster than the car in front of you.

(Early this morning I was involved in one of the most entertaining car accidents in all my years. I was motoring down a back road in my land yacht [a gigantic Merc. wagon] at about 50 mph when I noticed a pair of headlights closing on me from behind at a serious clip. Just at the moment I expected the lackwit to pull out and pass me on a blind curve the simpleton changed his mind and slammed into me instead. Considering that the poor fella in the little red Honda now attached to my bumper had just bled off about 20 mph all at once, I figured I’d be neighborly and slow things down a bit more.)

Rule #2: If you must drive like a jerk, owning little bitty cars is contra-indicated.

(What I hadn’t noticed before I took my foot off the gas, busy, as I was, with this red metal leech, was that the lackwit in the Honda had a dipshit in a Mercedes 560 pasted so close to his rear bumper that I never even saw the second pair of headlights. Naturally, bleeding off 20 mph all at once, then another 25 or so a second later was more than the dipshit could work with, and he plowed into the back of the Honda.)

Rule #3: Misery loves company.

(I still wasn’t quite sure what the hell had happened, but I guess I figured that if the same lackwit could hit me twice something wasn’t working in the universe, so I took my foot off the brake and hit the gas, if only to keep control of my yacht. At this point the universe settled back down into proper order, and physics decided to wake up and do some work around here. The lackwit was rather more firmly attached to the dipshit than he was to me, so when I hit the gas it pulled me apart from them and left the two of them to chart their own trajectory. I’m guessing that the Mercedes engineers never did any testing on the handling characteristics of a 560 when it has a crumpled Honda Civic for a hood ornament, since they both went careering off into a field in only a few seconds.

The kid in the Honda got a few cuts, a totalled car and a good scare; the dipshit spilled his coffee on his suit and had to be towed away with at least $10k in damage; I’ve got a pretty suitable dent in my nice chrome bumper, but I’m kinda growing fond of it already.)

I was going to say something here about age and youth and arrogance and aggression and irony and unstoppable forces and immovable objects and stuff like that, but I have to go and get fitted for a neck brace now.
Dr. Watson
“This concludes Today’s Lesson, please hand in yesterday’s homework to Mr. Coldfire on your way out. Thank you.”

2

Bravo Dr…glad you are okay and so well written…

As a Honda owner I will remember to avoid traveling inbetween two Mercedes.

I have learned my lesson, thanks.

3

Ah, Dr. Watson, I hope you’re kidding about the neck brace. But even if you’re not, you may find comfort in the sure knowledge that your account moved your fellow Dopers to tears of commiseration (::stifled snorting, nudging: :), sympathy (::muffled snickers: :slight_smile: and empathetic pain (::howling, tears down the face, honking, hold-the-ribs laughter: :).

Ahem! Yes. Well, we have no doubt that your structural integrity, and that of any vehicle of your choice, were more than equal to the slings, arrows, and fuel-injected stupidities of your fellow drivers.

::blows nose, pulls face into line::

Glad you are okay, and congratulations for not treating your moronic fellow motorists to a patented, erudite Watsonian tirade featuring bizarre physics, feckin’ rodents, alcoholic aliens and unflattering analysis of their limited and inbred gene pool and probable destination in the afterlife.

Hang in, Watson, and be well.

Veb

4

Bravo Dr. W. I was sitting laughing my face off for a good five minutes. I got myself going again when I re-read it.

There is the true ring of a master in the imagery of “busy, as I was, with this red metal leech” and “The lackwit was rather more firmly attached to the dipshit than he was to me”

Glad to hear you, the lackwit and the dipshit came out OK.

Bill

You don’t have a thing to worry about. I’ll have the jury eating out of my hand. Meanwhile, try to escape.

Sig by Wally M7, master signature architect to the SDMB

5

A topic dear to my heart, since I have been on both the giving and the receiving hand of a fenderbender. Well, OK, looks like the Honda kid got a bit more bended than juts a fender :smiley:

Great story, Watson… the moral of course being: “Don’t mess with two metric tons of German steel - unless you’re bringing a Starfighter”.

I once had a guy bump in to me in almost gridlocked traffic. He took the 3 seconds he actually got to move that half hour to look at the shop windows to his right. He wanted to buy me off with 100 Guilders - needless to say I had him fill out every possible insurance form and later claimed the full 23 Guilders my new license plate cost (In my defence: the car could have easily been damaged without exterior proof. And a replacement bumper is WAY over 100 Guilders) :smiley:

Defect borg:
“Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated”.

WallyM7 on Coldfire:
"Yeah, he knows a little about everything because they have a good prison library."

6

Beautiful! Beautiful!

I would love to have heard the two followers explain what happened to the po-lice.

7

I was kidding about the neck brace Veb, much to my lawyer’s annoyance. I told him the story over lunch today and he said, “For the first time in your life you have one rich guy and two insurance companies square in your sights, and you have to be a perverse bastard and walk away without a scratch.”

I offered to cook something up for him, like maybe a ‘trauma-induced sexual dysfunction’, but it seemed pretty clear that nothing less than a good dismemberment was going to cheer him up.

Dr. Watson
“Truth is the cry of all, but the game of the few.” – Bishop Berkeley

8

I can’t help but picture busloads of tradesmen and artisans unloading at your doorstep :smiley:

Ignorant since 1972

9

Reminds me of my first accident…sniff. I owned a 1972 Chevy Caprice–a huge car that was good at hauling me and my friends…as a matter of fact, the first few times I moved I could fit everything I owned into it.

Anyway, back to my accident: I was driving down a snow covered road and a lady with a brand new Mustang (still had the window sticker) was right on my tail. I braked a tad and the next thing I knew I slid into a snowbank. She was right behind me and slammed into my backend.

Her car=totaled

My car=broken tailight cover

Glad your OK!

~Bo~

10

For Pete’s sake! Dr. Watson, you are one of a handful of people that can make a car accident funny. Man, that was a great read!

Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)

11

ROFL!

Oh oh! My sides hurt!

Doc, I’m so you’re alright, but oh my how you make me laugh!

VB

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

12

Glad to hear you’re all right, Doc. That was the best description of a car accident I’ve heard in a long time. :slight_smile: It reminded me of a similar tale in my own past. . .

Back in 1989 or thereabouts, my Mom and I were on our way home from Denver. In front of us there was a small car and in front of him were two bicyclists on the edge of the road. We were all going slow because the bicyclists were messing around.

Then one of them decided to fall over in the street in front of the car. No problem, we weren’t going that fast. The car in front stopped well short, mom stopped behind him. . . and somebody behind us was off in la-la land. WHAM!

I don’t know how fast she was traveling, but she pushed Mom’s Isuzu Trooper into the car in front of us. Luckily, we were all buckled in.

Final score: Minor scratches for the bicyclist, scratched paint on the front car, a loose bumper for us (which rattled noisily until we got it fixed) and the car in behind was totalled-- the radiator shoved into the engine.
– Sylence

I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.

13

Dr.Watson: You are a piece of work indeed! :slight_smile: If you ever desire a comedy writing job, feel free to come to me. I think you’ve definitely missed your calling!

You made my day!

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

14

Sigh… Come to me for a reference that is. Sadly, I’m not one of Conan’s producers yet.

15

Doc W–quick! I need to know how to determine the difference between a dipshit and a lackwit! The WB network wants me to make a pilot about it, starring Jim Belushi and Pauly Shore, but which one is the dipshit and which one is the lackwit??? Hurry, man, nbecause this sucker is sure to be cancelled soon!!

Bucky

16

ROFL!!! Oh, dear! Dr. Watson, that is the funniest thing I have read in quite some time!! I had to wait to post this for another day, because I started laughing my head off every time I tried to do it yesterday. My sides are still a little sore today. Still got the giggles today, but I think I can type now. :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

I am so very glad that you’re alright. Oh, and the lackwit and the dip. too.

Priceless, absolutely priceless!!

You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming.
Og Mandino

That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.<a true Wally original!>

17

Gee Doc,
That was really terrific, I loved every moment of it. I could picture it all, I think I know that lackwit.
Thanks for the lesson (undertaking learning to drive at 43), I’ll stay posted for the next installment.

Wisdom is the boobie prize,they give you when you’ve been --unwise!