Toddler acting up at daycare - advice?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve heard from a number of my friends that their kids are angels at daycare and then monsters at home. My two and a half year old seems to go the other way. For the most part she is quite well behaved at home and when we go to playgroups with her - cheerful, helpful, obeys the rules, plays nicely, etc. Obviously at 2.5 she isn’t perfect - she does struggle with sharing, and she does have her contrary moods at times, but she responds well when we discipline or redirect her and the majority of the time she is a pretty easy kid. We have always been careful to make our expectations and the consequences clear and consistent, and we really have never had any major behaviour problems at all.

But not at daycare. I was able to stay home with her for over a year, and then she stayed with family for another year, but a few months ago the need arose to put her in daycare. She started going to a sitter, but after a couple of weeks there had been two occasions of her hitting other kids and that sitter didn’t want to watch her anymore. It took us several weeks to find a home day care with an opening, and she started there last week. During the weeks she was at home in between, she was great, as usual. But then the first couple of days at the new daycare she seemed to have a lot of trouble following the rules and was generally pretty naughty. We talked to the daycare provider about how we could help at home, and together with her made a couple of changes that seemed to help. We figured she had just been adjusting to the new environment and testing the limits, and that she was starting to settle down now. We had several good days, but then yesterday she hit someone. She wasn’t playing well with the other kids and ended up hitting one. The daycare provider dealt with the situation at the time, but I don’t want it to happen again and I don’t know how to help.

It breaks my heart, because it just seems so unlike her, or at least the her I know at home. And I feel so powerless - how can I help her learn not to do it, when I never see it happen? I mean, we do what we can - obviously we have always told her that hitting is not ok, and she has never been hit or seen people being hit, so I just don’t know what else to do. I think maybe the main problem is that she got used to being the only child, since although we made very sure to take her to drop-in play and playgroups and organized activities to learn how to interact with other kids, we were always there so she didn’t have to share the attention with the other kids. Of the three occasions, there seem to be mixed reasons for the hitting. She’s not always angry when she does it, sometimes she seems to just be overexcited and loses control. I think it may also be for attention.

In addition to wanting to help her behave better at daycare, we are also now expecting a sibling for her so she won’t be the only child at home anymore, either.

Any advice would be so gratefully appreciated.

2

You’re on the right track. At 2.5 she understands what you’re telling her. Keep reinforcing it. Sometimes kids need to be told things about 3 thousand times before it sinks in. If you’re consistent with your message she will eventually come around. Perhaps withholding certain privileges on “bad behaviour” days might also get her to clue in.

3

You are doing the right things, just stick with it. She needs to learn that even if she is naughty she is still going to daycare, Mom isn’t able to stay at home with her anymore.

4

Having a child nearly the same age, and seeing all the other little critters in her daycare class - I can assure you that occasionally hitting another child at that age is really no reason for concern. I would suspect what happened in each case is another child did something that she didn’t like (tried to take a toy from her, touched her, tried to hug her) and she didn’t know the “right” way to respond, and just did the only thing she could think of.
It doesn’t sound from your op that the daycare provider is concerned, so I would try not to worry.
Trust me, I’ve been there. I used to get daily reports (from my kid, no less - the daycare never worried much about it) “I bit Ethan!” “I hit Tucker!” If I asked the teacher I found it was definitely true - they just weren’t concerned about it.

5

Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better.
We’ll just keep at it then, and hope it’s just a phase!

6

I agree - it is the age, and also common for her during an adjustment period. Does she respond well when she is corrected at daycare?

If you are confident in the daycare and how they are handling it, and you are consistent at home, she will grow out of it. I know it seems like a huge issue now, but she will be on to something else soon enough. Kids that age hit because they don’t know what else to do with their frustration, not out of malice. Or, as you said, just for attention. Make sure to praise her when she does play nicely, give her more attention when you catch her sharing, etc.

7

The reason she doesn’t hit people at home is that ther is no one there trying to play with her toys. A two year old is not capable of understanding the concept of sharing, and aggressive ones tend to hit. There is really nothing you can do about it. Just try to pick a good daycare with a good teacher and a good mix of other kids. A good teacher should be able to minimize the hitting. Just try to emphasize listening to the teacher, and using your words. She should grow out of the phase.

8

Can I suggest a slight modification here: you and the teacher should use the same words. This ensures a consistent message. Worked wonders when I was with my nephew.

9

You can always embed the little tyke in clear acrylic until she’s 18.

10

I second the ‘use the same words.’ We just put our daughter in part time daycare. I took a visit one morning just to see how they operated, before we put her in. I listened how they talked to the other kids, and asked them how they disciplined them too. I think it’s something like 2000 times before the kids get it/understand what you’re saying?