Tailgating, I understand. I understand that it means that you have fermented, curdled douche fluid flowing through your veins instead of blood. I understand that it means you are so totally ignorant and selfish that you will risk other drivers’ safety to gain, well, very little ground. But for Jesus Mary of Mother…'s sake! It’s fucking raining and snowing at the same time tonight! It’s Christmas Eve! This is the worst possible time to tailgate! EVAR!
Let me give you a list of all the things it would be safer to tailgate than my car on I-95 tonight:
The Rockbiter. Yes. From The Neverending Story. He would bite into your car.
A pit of spikes.
A brick wall. But, like, made out of nuclear bricks, or some shit.
A piranha.
The Nuclear Rockbiter in a Walled Pit of Spikes, Holding a Piranha At You.
Yes. Even that last one. Don’t laugh. It has happened. And the time is soon nearing when it will happen again. Why? Because when stupid fuckers like you can’t realize that if you were to EVER use your blinkers, EVER leave a sensible distance between your car and the car ahead of you, or EVER have any kind of consideration for yourself or the drivers around you, you’d better fucking do it now, then obviously the Universe is ill, and crazy shit like having big dudes who eat rocks and emit beta particles and have hungry bitey fish JUST MIGHT HAPPEN.
Also, PASS THE FUCKING SALT TRUCK. To help you remember this, I have composed a clever parody song, a la that dude who always wrote those parody songs. I can’t remember his name, but boy was he weird:
Don’t Fear the Salt Truck
Aaaaaallll the lanes are full
Toooooo the left, please pull.
I don’t fear the salt truck, nor does my mother nor my dog or my fish
You can be like we are
Come on driver, don’t fear the salt truck!
Just step on the gas; don’t fear the salt truck!
And you’ll zoom on by; don’t fear the salt truck!
Or I’ll kick your ass!
Yeeeessss, it’s throwing salt!
Nooooo, it’s not my fault!
at risk of being the nerd I am I actually learned this. Salt lowers the freezing temperature of water. This prevents the water from becoming a sheet of ice on the road.
People only tailgate because it distracts them from how small their “units” are, as compared -by- their wife -to- the mailman, milkman, paperboy, pizza-guy, and the pharmacist.
LOL! So the OP is pissed at tailgating AND people not passing salt trucks (the most despised type of people on earth)?
JRootabega, have you ever been rear ended? You sound too excited about tailgaters if you’ve never been in a huge ass wreck because of tailgating.
Tailing is hardly the most dangerous thing to do in a car…I can think of dozens of more deadly laws to break. What’s up your ass about tailgaters?
I don’t mind tailgaters…mostly because it almost never happens to me. And if it did, who cares? They’re behind me! I got lost of car between me and whoever wants to tail my rear. And it’s never my fault if they hit me.
Point of order: If the salt truck is salting a road that was plowed some time ago, then yes, you should pass the truck as it’s going kinda slow and dropping a sand/salt mix, the sand part of which contains the occasional pebble or golf-ball sized freakin’ rock that will bounce off the pavement and crack your windshield, so getting out from behind it is a Good Idea.
On the other hand, if the salt truck has a plow blade on the front which is busily plowing the fresh-fallen snow from in front of it, then passing the salt truck is a Very Bad Idea. Drop back 2-3 car lengths per 10 mph (at least far enough that the above-mentioned salt, sand and concrete rubble aren’t bouncing onto your windshield), and be comfortable with the fact that you’re going to get where you’re going eventually, and not stupid enough to pull out into the next lane, hit the gas, lose traction, slide sideways in front of the salt truck and get plowed right off the road by that thundering behemoth that was driving ever so slowly just a few moments ago.
Bottom line is that we all think we’re perfect drivers, and everyone else is a four star butthole. Yeah, I hate people who tailgate me, as well as those who cut into the proper following distance I’ve afforded the vehicle ahead of me, so I’ve got to slow down even more. While we’re on the topic of stupid shit people do when driving, let’s not leave out: cell phone yakking, eating your burrito mc fish burger, reading the paper, shaving, putting on makeup, whacking your kids, whacking off, and deciding 50 feet from the exit ramp that you must cross three lanes of traffic moving at 70. Driving a truck over the road exposes you to every breed of asshat out there-I can’t count the number who almost became road pie, thinking I could stop 40 tons like it was a friggin’ Honda Civic.
Next time, leave sooner and quit driving like you’re the subject of craniorectalopathy gone wrong. :eek:
JRootabega, that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. I don’t know why it affected me this way, but I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, and my five-year-old thinks something’s wrong with Mommy.
Gotta love a Blue Oyster Cult parody. And I was guffawing before I even made it to the song. Good work, m’man.
