Top THAT Stories That You Tell (Possibly TMI)

In My Humble Opinion
41

This is a different kind of story, but it still may be the funniest thing I ever heard.

Where I grew up, every seventh-grader is required to take a health class. To foster learning and keep the kids off the streets, sometimes projects are assigned, and a friend of mine was graced with the assignment of learning about diaphragms. These devices being a little before our time and this being a pre-internet time, she turned to her parents as a resource. The conversation went as follows…

Friend: Mom, what can you tell me about diaphragms?
Mom: They don’t work.
F: How do you know?
M:[looks at her]

42

Here’s one for incredible co-incidence…
In Air Force basic training, you have to mark your clothes and towels with what they call a “laundry mark”. Your laundry mark consists of the first letter of your last name and the last four digits of your Social Security number. The purpose of this is so people with common last names in a flight don’t get their stuff mixed up by the laundry crew. My flight had 60 trainees in it. Somehow, I had the exact same laundry mark as another guy in my flight. What are the odds?

43

1 in 259,974.

44

Haven’t you gotten enough mileage out of that story?

45

I laughed my ass off.

I have a wicked sense of humor.
Meanwhile, Max, enough already! That story is old! You need new material.

46

This is the tale of why I will never ever again go to a waterpark. This is long and gruelling.

When I was 16, me and 3 of my friends went to a local waterpark. This was kind of the poor man’s waterpark, the kind you take your kids to when they’re screaming to go somewhere and you’d rather not pay 16 bucks a head to get into SuperSplash World or what have you.

Anyway, the day started off fine enough. Went there, got into our swimsuits, went to check out the wave pool. The place was totally packed that day, too. Kids everywhere, and two tour groups, one bus full of old people and another full of developmentally challenged youth. Remember this, because it becomes part of the story in a bit.

So we’re in the wave pool, having a grand time. You could rent out inner tubes to ride the waves on, and lots of people had. Several jerks went right overtop of me in their tubes, pushing me underwater. This started to dampen my day. Then the waves started up, and my one friend noticed an…object in the water being pushed towards us by the waves. We watched, trying to determine what it was. At first we thought it was a leaf, but then realized with horror, as it got closer, that it was a very large, chunky turd.

Panic. We turn around and start swimming fast to shore. A large wave goes over my head and I swallow a bunch of water. As I come up gasping for breath, another wave goes over me, repeat effect. At this time I am seriously drowning and my friend is laughing at me because of the funny faces I’m making. I notice the lifeguards are blissfully unaware as they are busy looking at the sky. Somehow we finally stumble onto shore, having escaped the turd. By now, all the water I’ve swallowed plus the thought of what was IN that water begins to make me dry retch. People suntanning on the “beach” watch with interest as I heave all over the place. I manage to keep my puke down, and we decide it’s safer to go relax in the hot tub, which is near the wave pool.

So we’re in there, recovering from our race to shore. About 6 of the aforementioned developmentally challenged teens join us. This is fine, until one of them slides over to my friend and puts his arm around her, asking if she has a boyfriend. Of course, their supervisor is not paying attention, wandering around nearby. Another one of the teens then gets her attention by loudly announcing that he has just gone pee. We exit the hot tub.

So then we think, waterslides. The waterslides should be fine, right? So we go get in line for those. As we are waiting in line, a little boy ahead of us yells that he has to go to the bathroom. A girl behind him (who I assume to be his sister) answers, “Just go on the slide, that’s what I do.”

Ok, so forget the waterslides. In fact, we decide to quit the water altogether and go jump around in the playground, which we are much too large for at this time, but hey, why not. After some time we notice the ball pit. Whee, a ball pit! Irresistible! It’s unoccupied, so we dive in and start jumping around. Shortly, one of my friends stops bouncing and gets an odd look on her face.

“What?” I ask.

“I think some kid shit in here,” She said.

We all laughed. “Yeah, right.”

She then held up her hand to reveal it smeared with utter, utter nastiness.

That’s when we decided to leave. And that’s when I decided to never set foot in another waterpark.

47

TwistOfFate: Did you just make that up, or did you calculate it? And how?

48

Those are the correct odds, if you exclude the any combination where the number portion is 0000. You multiply 26 (the number of letters in the alphabet) by 9999 (number of number combinations, excluding 0000), and your answer is 259974. Hence, odds are 1 in 259974.

49

Don’t tell me I killed the thread. Or maybe everyone’s out at the waterpark today? (noooooo!) :smiley:

50

I’m not sure that 0000 is excluded from the last four of someone’s SS# or if there’s any structure to the last four, but the big flaw is the calculation assumes that all letters are equally probable. They aren’t. To calculate the odds we’d need to know the first letter ofTentacle Monster’s last name and how common last names with that letter are. If his last name is QUENTIN or XYLANDER the numbers will be much larger than if it’s MILLER or COOPER.

In the same vein, though… I was gettig some paperwork done at the legal office a couple of days ago and there were two other people there with the same last name as me. There was a rider on the boat during the last underway with the same last name as me. There was a girl in bootcamp with the same last name as me. I have met more people in the Navy that have my last name (and I’m not even counting people with last names that are slightly different spellings of basically the same name) than I have met that are also from Tennessee.

I have no interesting stories… or at least I can’t remember them.

51

I got 1 in 434 for the probability that his name would match anyone and 1 in 7.9 that any 2 people would have the same ID out of 60 people.

52

Eugh. Where’s that vomit smilie?

Now I never want to go into a water park again, either.

53

In 1991 I backpacked alone through Europe. Towards the tail end of my trip, I went to Amsterdam and stayed at a place named “Bob’s Youth Hostel”. Now, Bob’s was famous for it’s hash and eggs breakfast, and I do not mean hash browns, if you know what I mean. So I started the morning off with a bang. I heard some of the people there talking about going to the Heinekin brewery tour, and I asked if I could tag along. It didn’t matter that I had no idea who these folks were, that’s just the culture of backpacking through Europe. You make friends where you can.

I t was a grand old day that included free beer at the brewery tour and a stop by a coffee house. I ended up losing them part way through the day and going to a concert on my own. It was a fun but blurry day, and all I really had to remember it by were a couple pictures and drug adled memories.

That was 14 years ago. Last fall I was going through my pictures while cleaning the basement. I found one of the pictures of the brewery tour and said to my wife “Man, this guy looks like Rodney, your co-worker”. My wife works at a little 30 person ad agency. But I knew it couldn’t have been him, because I had a hazy memory of those guys being from the East coast.

That was the case too. Until about 5 years ago, when Rodney met a girl, fell in love, and moved to Minnesota. Then got a job at my wife’s agency.

54

Oh man this gay friend of mine had me crying with this story the other day:

He was taking some biology class and they were going over sperm. The teacher said that the sperm is made mostly of glucous and thats what the cell used for energy when it swims. Well he asks in his infinate wisdom “why if sperm is made of sugar does it taste so damn bad?”

THe teacher shoots back “casue the part of your tounge that tastes sweet is on the tip, and when someone cums in your mouth it hits the back of your throat”

:smiley: :cool:

55

THAT is the classiest line ever!

The only thing that would have made that story better would be if you’d swung out on a rope with Jenny in your arm.